Wow, no kidding! So why the need for a label - just to give your family something to hold, or do you want one to define yourself, or ?

I'm not all that sure myself but it takes more than 140 characters to explain.

certain things would make a certain amount of "sense" that isn't just idiosyncratic to me

my claims of disability would look more credible both to my family and their critical voices embedded in my head.

and I've had a hunch I was on the spectrum since I was about 7 years old

it'd be gratifying to have been right all this time.

My therapist started out trying to slap a new label on me every visit. i would listen carefully, and then say Nope, not it. Eventually, she

stopped.

I think the thing that freaks me out the most, is when I see my mom have episodes, and wonder if that is my future - but she has been like

that since I was little, so I remind myself and calm down. If I must have a label, I chose "unique".

"unique" is a good one. I don't mind "eccentric" but when I have to go begging for financial support, for example

I need something with greater ontological weight

Aside from the depression, (which I think part is T related) from what I have learned about you, your panics are the handicap, yes?

severe social phobia is my main problem besides depressive non-motivation

feeling like a 10-year-old in an adult world is common among aspergers and autistic people as well, and that characterizes

a lot of the social anxiety

but it covers other things too, like not feeling prepared to deal with bureaucracy, ignoring collectors (everyone does that I know )

not answering the phone, not answering bureaucratic mail, fear of meetings, interviews, conventions..

etc

most of my anxiety is either social- or performance-related

performance anxiety is to me another form of social anxiety only protracted out over "projects" and "commitments"

two things that I only like to do if I am the only one involved

Maybe because you think you won't be perceived as you see yourself?

mostly because I think I will be torn to pieces, either literally or metaphorically

it's almost like my lizard brain expects them to eat me

my academic brain expects them to deconstruct my argument into tiny little pieces

I expect to be yelled at by most bureaucrats

That's kinda deep.

it's pervasive. I'll say that.

Ooh, see, I think "goody!" when I see an opportunity to vent on someone who invites it.

I don't recognize those invitations

But I am kinda aggressive if my calm is broken

lol, we should pair up. I could play super hero for you.

the scene in Its a Wonderful Life, where Jimmy Stewart is sitting in that chair in Mr Potter's office

the chair makes him about two feet shorter than Mr Potter

I feel like I carry that chair with me everywhere i go

yeah

Have you always had it? Even as a small child?

yeah. my mother protected me a lot because I was so introverted I scared her.

I hated participating in class. I felt like I was on trial with every question.

and then the whole family disappearing in the rapture thing added its own unique layer..

I expected my family to disappear at any moment, and soon.

literally.

I'm told that a kid who is not on the spectrum might not have taken that story/"prophecy" so literally

I totally want to blame religion for a lot of things

I fell for it hook line and sinker

I do blame religion for a lot of things

ahh, I get it!

I would run crying through the house in a panic if my parents were late coming home and my brother was off somewhere

Jacob has Asberger's, and though highly intelligent, if something didn't fit neatly in a box, he became befuddled.

I had lots of boxes.

You didn't think you would be taken, too?

I wasn't "saved" in the opinion of my church till I "walked the aisle" at 13

I can appreciate boxes, but I couldn't imagine coming to a full stop if something didn't fit. I would just tape another box over it.

of course I was so introverted I was scared to death to walk up and talk to the preacher by myself

ohhh, one of those

awww

they had me between granite and stone and cement and whatever other hard surfaces you can think of

I hate going to church with my sis, because the preacher will do alter call until everyone in the place comes up. She gets mad because I can

wait him out.

in the end I never decided to walk: it was decided for me. but that's a story for later. I gotta go to bed. it's late!

haha!

I would totally stand there and stare him down.

"hi. I'm satan. nice to meet you."

ok, sweet dreams

I wear slightly risque clothing

laterz. like later this evening.

ha!

tiny bit tight, always nipple poking through

and sit up front

'night

hehe. good night.

knows someone that put "highway to hell" in the church PA system and broke the key off in the cabinet lock.

She turned out to be a remarkable person. Have no "control" subject from her church to compare her to though.

I believe thinking for yourself makes anyone a better person. (mind you, I said "thinking").