made the mistake of watching a generally sensible Youtuber's video about how daycare fucks up your kids actually and I'm in my feelings about it, because obviously

but also we had a state of the company meeting this morning and because I work for Hasbro, a toy company, one of the things they touched on was like. our market is shrinking because people aren't having kids

I'm in that really uncomfortable Oh No I'm A Woman place because this feels like my fault on all sides, Callen needs me but I have to do a job to pay our mortgage and bills (and I am just a person who Needs To Work or I'll go nuts)

but my job is like people need to have babies or we'll go under lmao

obviously it isn't that dire, I'm being dramatic but there was deffo a chat about there being fewer kids now

it just puts into such clarity how fucked US society is ig, and I can't help but cry about it a little bit. I would love to have Callen home but it's just Chris and me, Callen's grandparents live far away, we can't afford an in-home nanny or au pair

I'm breaking a little bit bc after I had covid and now chris has covid we're just seesawing like 100% of the responsibility between us and nobody can help us because Fucking Covid

and I'm like. I love that little boy so much and am I destroying his life by having him spend most of his days out away from me

but this is the only time (him being at daycare) I get to feel like a person, when I'm the one doing everything because Chris feels like shit

I LOVE that I've been able to bring him to the faire with me but I still feel so completely alone and unsupported in the endeavor, bc my entire community dropped out right before the season started. and I'm just exhausted. I'm trying so hard and I don't feel like I'm succeeding

this kind of thought process is historically a trigger for my OCD so I'm trying not to lean into it but HERE WE ALREADY ARE

I couldn't have even waited that much longer to have a kid, I'm almost forty!! I'm already at the age where it becomes significantly less safe with every passing year, so like. it was always going to be this way

I did this to myself on so many levels lmao

banning myself from youtube for the rest of the week

I'm usually SO GOOD about staying away from Mommy Blogs/Youtubers. I was WEAK

thanks for coming to my TED talk, How To Let Guilt Control Your Life At All Times

wish i knew the magic combination of words to say to make this feeling evaporate from you, i am so sorry shit is so real rn

aw man. you’re great and Callen is and is going to be great.

dude you are a great mom, you are doing as much childcare as you can and making the time count when you're together. i was a daycare kid and it was fine tbqh. leaving your side also helps kids build a lot of important social skills that will help callen be happy and healthy, he is such a social butterfly already and it's great to see.

don't let youtube tell you what's what

yeah dude, this sucks and it's an impossible position for you to be in. i know the brain demons won't listen to it, but fwiw, daycare is great and so is callen. the most important thing callen has is parents who love and care about him and are doing what they need to in order to be able to keep doing that.

and that includes making sure you don't destroy yourself and the things that make you feel like a person

^ this, 100%. daycare is helping you keep everything together so that when you do spend time with callen and together as a family, you're not totally strung out and you can have a good time and make great memories with him

Yeah like you know what makes a happy kid? Happy parents.

Taking care of yourself and tending to your own desires and needs (including working!!) is almost certainly a much bigger factor in having a mentally healthy kid than, like, the specifics of how he spends his time.

I'm no scientist. But that just makes sense.

Also you have the right to be mad at all of us childless motherfuckers

if you weren't sending him to daycare someone would give you shit for ~not socializing him~. you literally can't win.

Or maybe motherfuckers is the wrong word. Actually precisely the wrong word.

i think pippin conspired to make this video to try and get you to keep callen home where he can monitor him at all times

strong theory

You’re probably right

Pippin has been like PUT ME IN COACH this entire week with all the covid happening

if you’ve hung out with us in real life you probably know what voice that was

also ty everyone, I am feeling better. I just needed a moment ig

totally fair to have a moment <3 glad you're feeling better

Idk what that YouTube shit is talking about, daycare kids do great!!! Patently untrue imo

im sorry all this is knocking you down though

I don't really have anything else to add just here to give you a hug as one Ancient Toddler Mom to another; not having close community/family support is SUPER HARD and y'all are navigating that the best you can.