I have been on a waiting list for top surgery for about a year now

the surgeon's office has been trying to get in touch with me to set up a surgery date

unfortunately I... can't imagine dealing with surgery with the health level I am right now

so I shot them an email saying plz can you shove me further down the waiting list and they said to get in touch with them when I'm ready

(after avoiding them for two weeks because asking for consideration is difficult)

they did originally say the waiting list was about two years ago so dealing with this a year ahead of where my brain had put it on the list was annoying

I wasn't happy about the wait originally but it turned out to be something I was relieved not to have to deal with right away and then I did have to deal with it

anyway obviously I'm disappointed, but I think my brain is doing its automatic compartmentalization thing because I could be a lot more upset

I just don't have the energy

I kind of feel like I'm doing transing my gender wrong by not prioritizing the surgery

so I guess my brain has the energy to feel weird about that

I still want to have the surgery and I'd be disappointed to have it taken off the table for good, I know that

but my dysphoria is only occasional when the compartments break down and let all the bad feelings out

so delaying it... is sad but should be fine

I am proud of myself for stopping my avoidance and handling it like an adult

gentle reassurance to your brain that you are not doing transition wrong at all, even if you didn't have the other health stuff /soft pap + offers blanket