For those who don't know my wife is a legal caretaker for both her elderly moth as well as her emotionally disabled brother. I have had the bother living with me for some ten years now and the mother for about a year and a half.

The thing is, her mother is a gem. I don't mind living with her at all, and although I love my brother-in-law with all my heart some time his emotional demands can be very... much.

He mostly stays in his room all day without leaving but when he leaves it can be a big "if" on his temperment.

I guess I was the target today the moment he walked out because I have made some firm personal stances in order to try to improve the quality of life in which we're living.

Pretty much, our living condition is absolutely unsustainable. I have long since been running low on being able to keep up with paying the rent (which I've been mostly doing on my own since covid started) and because of that my credit card bills have been going higher and higher, to the point that now those bills are becoming too much to keep up with.

On top of that I am still paying off my student loans.

So, after a very-needed therapy session, my therapist recommended that I start setting firm boundaries for myself and possibly even consider moving out until I can take care of myself, none-less-three other people. And I... agree.

I can't care for three people if my own life is only sliding deeper and deeper into a shitty situatuion, and continuiong to do so will only lead to a bad end for all of us.

And as much as I love them, I fear a lot of the indipendence they need (or how good they have it) won't be realized until I give them a tough-love hard kick to start taking better care of themselves rather than laying everything onto me and my wife.

Our mental health is going down hill, our finances are going downhill, and the living situation we're in are going downhill unless we make some serious changes.

you are paying rent for FOUR PEOPLE???

unsustainable and horrendous I am so sorry

missnaya: Yeah, it's been like this for a while now. I'm currenly the only income working a 40 hour job for a three bedroom house for a famliy of four in mone of the most expensive cities inthe world

truthfully, I'm amazed I was able to make it last this long

So while I know it was going to be a much bigger emotional and financial burden on my wife to try to cover for three people, since she was the one who volunteered to be their aretakers, it was a ground I knew I had to take for us to have any semplence of a future

*semblence

and... surprisingly. My wife took it really well. I'm so amazed by and proud of her. And even though she's been sick on and off the past month I can tell she's at least trying.

Problem is the trying is enough to delay my decision but not prevent it. And I've spoken with her and she's aware of that. And she is truthfully abolutely find with finding more stable work or moving on her own until we get our finances sorted.

Even my mother-in-law although worried and more just questioning why she even moved out here to be cared by us to begin with considering our circumtances (fair), is willing to accept it.

But my brother in law is freaking out, Of course, because it means his free ride is hanging on by a thread and he'll actually have to learn to be taken in by a city care-giving system and have a caretaker who isn't willing to give him access to things like unpain internet utilities and endless weed and videogames

(because he's been lashing out at us for years whenever we don't get him these things)

Mywife has already made the decision that she is no longer going to be his caretaker because of the emotional abuse he's been putting her through

and because of that I guess his next step was to try and convince me to legally take on the role

Now, context: I love him as a brother, but I never agreed to taking him in as a permanent resident without rent, and I was always hessitant about my wife taking him in and being his legal guardian since I knew her capabilities were not the best with her bad immune system and own mental-health to sort out

So I of course gave him the truth, as logically as possible. A: I can't be his caretaker because I don't have the time or energy to care for him between my full time job and how many other things I'm obligated to. And devoting any more time to caring for him will reduce my job below fourty hours and thus put me in place for a demotion

- somthing which would make our situation even more unlivable

B: I am trying to make this family thrive by giving a hard push, one that all of you have known about for months now, in order to make you self-sustainable. Because his dissability does not make him unfit for owrk, he just refuses to

C: I don't wish to be a caretaker when I can't even take care of myself at the moment

And oh boy the emotional guiltripping speil I just got. "Aren't we family to you" "Do you not aknowledge how much I've done for you?" "How about all the times I've made you dinner so you didn't have to?" "Of course I don't want to do better, the world is going to hell and theres no point in doing so anyway"

I just... Am very sick of this and that sort of coornering is only making me want to double down on my stance to want to move out and go back to living with my parents

who have offered multiple times as they miss me living so close, and they are even willing to let my wife come and live there as well, they just rfuse to take in my brother-in-law (mostly because they've been very iffy about him for a while now)

but yeah, this was my rant. I am not falling for his emotional guilting any more. I'm done with it, he is not my responsibility and I am so glad my wife has set her boundaries so that he will so no longer be hers either

because, and this is something he is absolutely correct on, she is not fit to be his caretaker and has only been doing so out of older sister love and obligation

oh fuck that yeah get outta that environment

Is your brother-in-law legally disabled, or is this a case of 'capable of holding a job but chronically unemployed'?

I'm glad that you're not budging on this, Cat. I'm so proud of both of you

Follow your instincts here - don't let him manipulate you into relenting.

firebenderjess: the later. he's been in legal disability before but even then always still deemed able to work so long as he does that whole stupid government "make under $2000 in you bank account" the thing' but a year or two ago government disability spontaneously kicked him off on random and he didn't want to put in the effort to get it reinstated

mimarin: thanks Alice, I know you've been in the know about this for a while now and I appreciate you for all the support you've given peacocksdance through this

Yeah, if he's not willing to put in the effort to get his SSI back, then you shouldn't be obligated to put in the effort to pay his rent.

missnaya: believe me I'm planning on it. it means I'm going to have to start packing my valuables and slowly shipping them off to my parents while saving up for a plane ticket, but I set a loose deadline and if I don't see enough improvement by then I'm leaving

You're welcome. I care about you both and you deserve better. He's going to have to grow up and be an adult, that's all there is to it.

firebenderjess: exactly! there are so many ways he can start making an income, whether it's resigning up for SSI or finding a low requirement job starting at super part time and building upto whatever he's comfortable with. we live in San Francisco and there are tons of resources available for people who go through exactly what he is

but he's been playing up weaponized unnvompotance for way too long now and won't do anything unless he is literally handheld through every step (even things like making phone calls or walking down the block to make a bank account or go to his doctor)

*incompetence

and any time you try to get him to push his limits he goes into the "I might as well do nothing and wait to die since the world is fucked anyway" route

When I got kicked off of SSI due to missed paperwork, I...put in the work to fill out the necessary appeal forms and get back on!

he refuses to clean his room and then complains how the buildup of garbage and mold is having an adverse effect on his health

And I've dealt with social services in San Fran. When I was going to college there and couldn't find a job with needing to be able to go back home over breaks, it was pretty easy to at least get SNAP benefits.

we give him funds to better care for himself for things like clothes and a better mattress but instead of saving up for them he spends the money in weed and videogames

he guilted his mom into giving him nearly $2000 a few months ago to get him parts to build a new computer and then then had been trying to corner me into building it for him

Weed can be beneficial to certain people, but I get the impression he isn't using it therapeutically...

firebenderjess: he's using it for self-education but has been over relying on it to a stupid degree, and when he takes a break and goes into withdrawals it gets bad

and I say this as someone who enjoys the occasional gummy

Sounds like he needs to cut back without cutting off, then.

*self-medication

firebenderjess: hes tried but whenever he gets stressed he builds back up again and the current political vlinate and his constant doom-scrollibh in the news have not been helping

*climate (I hate typing in my phone )

Understandable, but that sounds like maybe he needs to take a break from the news feeds...

mimarin: I know, I just hate that it took me this long to realize that, in trying to take care of them because of how much I love them as family, I've been enabling this poor behavior

There are tiers of 'your own oxygen mask first' going on here.

firebenderjess: getting him off the Internet is p much impossible. he's a media addict and any attempt to stop him had been impossible. anytime we try to take something away his brain escalates to self-harm

Have you considered inpatient care for him?

we have sent him multiple times, since such services are optional by the person being admitted they can only keep him as long as he wishes to be there

I totally understand. We want to take care of our loved ones and as compassionate people, it's hard to not want to reach out and support. There's something that a therapist taught me that's become a bit of a mantra "thou shalt not give beyond thy own capacity". I try to remember it in situations like this.

Even under arguments that he's a danger to himself in his current mental state?

mimarin Similar to the "your own oxygen mask first" mantra I mentioned above. I've also heard 'you can't pour from an empty cup'.

Yep.

mimarin: exactly, and after staying at home for the past three months due to my broken wrist I've finally realized how much I have been overextending myself past my limits. I'm sticking to this requirement no matter how much he tries to bargen or guilt trip

firebenderjess: a sad legal truth. people can only be forcefully admitted for a certain amount of time, it's the same reason why a lot of people with horrible mental health are living on the streets as they can't be forced against their will to stay in care

That this is the second time that you've been out due to an injury definitely speaks volumes about the amount of strain supporting him has put on you.

Then, unpleasant as it may be...he might need to see how relatively good he had it before he refused to put in the bare minimum effort to help himself.

^ - I've been saying this for a while

and that's exactly where I'm at. I'm not giving into his pleading and am determined to stick to my deadlines

my original goal is that they start financially putting in their weight by the end of February or I start preparing to move (I told them this in November)

Yeah, he's had time to get some things in order.

now they're not there yet but my mother-in-law and wife have done their best the past two months to at least start contributing more, so I told them I'll continue to push the deadline in comparison to how much they've been contributing

I think that's fair for them. I know that your wife has been trying and working hard, despite the setbacks.

It seems like he's the biggest issue from what I've observed.

exactly, and I have faith in my wife's capabilities, she just needs to get out of bad prioritization habits more than anything. she's got this. and their mom has been making more than enough to survive on her own with her elder benefits, it's just that her kids have to stop relying on her money so much

Yeah. I believe in her, too. And it is good that her mom's getting elder benefits, that does help.

I do think getting brother-in-law out of the house and into alternative care will relieve a lot of strain.

mimarin: yeah the main problem with that sadly is money. government care is a temporary hold and if he wants anything more suitable he'd have to go privatized, and that stuff can rake up to a couple of tens of thousands of dollars at minimum

Understandable. In the meantime, setting firm boundaries is a good step.

And again, like you said, he's not your responsibility. He's in his thirties now. He can't remain an adolescent forever, especially when he's treating the women he's living off of with such disrespect.

jfc what a Situation

Aroihkin: One of life's joys really /sarcasm

/HUGS

fireduck:

I love you both <3 I'm proud of you for stating your boundaries

fireduck: It's been difficult to keep on them with how often it emotionally gets targeted back at us, but I'd like to think this was a life lesson that both of us needed and have grown from because of it. <3

/curls around

That challenge is WHY I'm proud of you for sticking to them

I hate that you're targeted at all

its hard to make a decision like this but I'm glad you're sticking to it and that your wife and mil are doing their best to meet you in the middle

fireduck: That means so much to me BG, thank you

emexceedschangezearu: Yeah, I'm genuinely surprised by how weel both of them responded to the boundary overall. I guess I just expected everyone to react like my BIL is

On me for presuming the worst really, I think that's just the anxiety taking

Oh, yes, the stress/anxiety catastrophizing, I know it well. /hugs

It's very easy to spiral into the worst case scenario.

mimarin: Yeah when he tried to get me to agree earlier today one of the reasons he thought that him, my wife, and my mil should pay less than me for everything was because he said I was more physically and emotionally capable and thus more able to provide such things, when he said that it bothered me and I didn't know why...

Then I remembered later int he day, I'm also diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I take medication for these things, I go to therapy for it and am constantly working to get it under control, but when it gets bad it gets bad

Just two years ago I was sent to the emergency room for a mental breakdown due to how hard I was being over worked to support everyone

I remember that very clearly.

I am not more capable, I am just trying more because if I don't how else are we going to survive?

It's a tough position to be in. it honestly sounds lke there's some learned helplessness issues with him which is all the more reason to stick to your guns.

And realizing that made me angry that he tried to use my masking in order to survive as a reason that I should be the one utting in more work than anyone else

It says a lot about his level of entitlement, honestly.

mimarin: It really does

I'm so mad on both your accounts. He's lucky that I'm not physically there to intervene. He would not like what I had to say one bit.

I really do think he sounds very spoiled and entitled and there's some toxic amab mentality mixed in there. He needs to do some serious work on himself.

mimarin: And this is why me and ani need to kidnap you, so we can all be closer to stick up for and support one another

Absolutely.

mimarin:

This is why the three of you need to come to Seattle >>

fireduck: tempting~