I must have been visibly stressed because my dad even picked up on it and he is usually very bad at sensing moods.

To make the existential stress I was having compacted, maybe a final straw, my laptop's fans are starting to give out

My dad offered to fix them yesterday himself. But it's a laptop and I know how ridiculous just getting to laptop fans can be

So I just said I'd take it to like geek squad and get it sorted with them, but he insisted

So he bet me on whether he could fix it or not

ROOKIE MISTAKE

The bet was.

He can fix the fans himself, or he buys me a new computer

First off, ya I'll be taking that deal

Second off, in no way is a new pc necessary. This one works fine, the fans are just dumb

So he took my laptop apart and then got frustrated by the fact that the cooling system is, indeed, welded over the fans lmao

WELL he dug his way to the fans and could not find anything wrong besides the usual pet owner signs of excessive cat hair accumulation

Which was cleaned out. We put it back together and

It still makes angry fan dying noises

So I have won the bet

I should be enthusiastic, I am. Sorta

SO my dad has this tendency to be very willing to spend money or buy gifts when things are going wrong. He is like retail therapy in human form

I think he's fine with the pc purchase idea because of Katie's appointment tomorrow

We're all pretty certain what they'll find, we're sort of down to just hoping it's treatable

Because it's very similar to what happened to my poppop and grandma, both my dad's parents. Poppop's was treatable until it wasn't. Grandma's just wasn't at all. Both had pancreatic which isn't a far stretch from colon

So it's likely weighing on him a lot

I am very much psycho analyzing my dad here lol

My mom died around mother's day. 2 weeks before it, I think.

I don't remember what we did that year, I think it was around the time we had the memorial service but the holiday was like a big fuck you lol

THE YEAR AFTER, my dad took Sam and I into Georgetown and basically handed us his credit card to let us go nuts on mother's day

I got a messenger bag that I still own somewhere. Sam got a matching bag she never used and I now own that one too lmao AND Sam, being Sam, got herself an entire outfit

But more than the things we got I just remember it being very out of character for my dad who is usually very stingy about what he let Sam and I spend

But I also didn't want to question him because we were all sad and I didn't want to risk the water works

Anyway, I bring up that story because I feel like this is the same thing on repeat a little

We're very worried about Katie, we're very upset with the world and what's happening and I think just offering to get me a pc made him feel better

I am not sure I'll take up the offer, to be honest

Which is very much looking a gift horse in the mouth but idk. I'm just sad but I don't think this is what will make anything better or happier

Tomorrow's gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I'm gonna try to do all my class work in the morning so I can mentally jump through any news that comes from the appointment

we're here for you

I know your dad is not the best at....emotions, but it sounds like this is the best way he can say "I'm scared too, it's okay" without him. saying that.

Yeah, I think you're right and thank you

it's hard when you have a parent who's kind of emotionally constipated

or shows emotions....in not great ways

Yes, that is extremely spot on

He is a roller coaster with emotions and grief especially.

My dad really likes Dune. I remember watching the original movie with him when I was like 5. He's a really big sci-fi nerd without leaning into Star Trek or Star Wars territory. His thing was always Dune and I think Moon Maid or something like that.

Anyway, the reason I mention it, is there's a Dune survival game coming out soon and my current pc definitely can't handle it

But maybe a new one can and maybe he'd like to try playing it

It seems more actionable for happiness things than just buying the pc

We'll see. Just thoughts for now hm hm hm

that might be nice for him!

my thoughts and love are with you and yours. I hope things go okay tomorrow, and even if they don't, I'm hoping there's an easy resolution and things are treatable

Thank you <3 so much, really

of course <3 I'm around tomorrow and this week, too, if you want to talk - but no pressure, just offering

I appreciate it c:

I just went downstairs for some water and my dad's watching Pride and Prejudice, the '95 BBC version. It was my mom's favorite. I haven't seen him even glance at that series since she passed

Sheesh we are really going through it