o-oh...

yep p. much

hmmm

oooooh

Ugh the tea really REALLY helps

...I'm inclined to say that they're good things evolutionarily

which is to say that if your main problems are plausibly significant, direct threats to your survival and/or the propagation of your genes, they're very well tuned for on average providing a net advantage

they are not well tuned for the sociopolitical and economic environment we've created for ourselves

She (author) says as much too yes

this

...rofl nice that we're on the same page there (so to speak)

I did have to scroll back

I was like "Ehhhhh I don't need to make a copy paste of this I know it, it's intuit" and two little voices in my head debated if anyone else wanted/needed/would find it useful vs. "let's not copy the WHOLE BOOK THO"

-- when I was 12 I found out about my Mom's childhood trauma and she was hospitalized ETC. STUFF but I read a LOT of books on anger management and psychology and forgiveness (ayyy) and so whenever people talked about triggers online I definitely thought they meant anger triggers lmfao

......I mean

anger triggers are basically just a subset of trauma triggers, so

Yeah

But anger triggers are more

"Get your shit together, no one else is responsible for how you manage your wrath"

because you already have to start realizing "Oh I'm not mad that someone likes something I don't. I'm mad that I FEEL LIKE my likes aren't being respected, because historically people I love haven't, and I'm latching onto this thing they liked to give it a target that isn't them"

...I'm not sure how that's fundamentally distinct from any other sort of trauma trigger.

I'm getting weird about this now

I would cw for Coldplay (because certain people ((I'm not naming)) would get really ragey about it) but then I was thinking how Robbie (Mom's service dog) hates/d Aviators because his first owners (abusive) would listen to it in a bad mood, but listen to Metallica and Guns 'n' Roses in good moods (Robbie's favorites)

The more I think about it (obsess over it) the more I get because what is the difference? Robbie just aggressively barks when he's upset (whether Aviators or thunderstorms -> eventually runs and hides from them)

So what is the difference; does the difference matter, what can I individually do about it, and what should others, what is the morally responsible thing in society etc.

"Am I obsessing over this because it's easier than tackling my anger and hurt about Moosey?" = very yes obviously

so... my thinking at least is that the root survival/stress-response emotion is fear, and others (such as anger) are metabolized from fear for more specific purposes, e.g. when the brain has decided that the best defense is a good offense

which is why I'd argue that at a basic level, stress triggers are stress triggers, and whether they trigger feelings of anger or anxiety or depression or whatever else is kind of just the flavoring added to the snocone, if that makes sense

if there's something special about anger, I think it's that it drives drastic action, so it's more likely to be directly harmful to other people... but other emotional reactions can also be very harmful to other people

(that is to say if there's something special about anger in terms of its moral implications)

Oh well they also discussed how the general survival response is the three: fight, flight, freeze

I think more recently people have been adding "fawn" to that list, interestingly, but yeah basically

fawn? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yesssssssssss the Trumpist response

brain goes "Something Bad Is Happening!!!" and triggers survival response, the flavor of which depends on the brain's best guess at an optimal strategy

I can see where that'd be fear but

yes

well, I think it's more like... appeasement and flattery and trying to defuse the threat by either giving the source what you think it wants, or convincing it that you're on its side and therefore shouldn't be threatened

Trumpist sychophant ass-kissers

at least that's the way I think of it

But yes

I get it but also

I don't think they're capable for the ANGER part unless it's like

ahhhh no still that's more the fear because

Like definitely that's what the dumbfuck did in France bragging about Mar a Lago of all fucking things

He was so scared of Trump he fawned about him .... while in France behind Trump's back

definitely some republican politicians who were all "Trump is obviously insane and stupid" and then he became popular with the voters and they were suddenly like "Trump is the best ever no one would ever criticize him" have a fawning reaction

tbf when I'm scared I go 4 ways too

Fight, freeze, -- and then I just pray \:|/ // USUALLY I can't run away but I did manage one and I suppose "SHUT OUT THE WORLD" is a flight response

yeah dissociation/distraction/avoidance I think are abstractions of the flight response

But praying is kind of fawning over God

...hm. Usually I think of fawning being directed at the object of the fear, I'm actually not sure whether it's the same thing when directed to a third party hoping they'll intercede.

Nope I think it applies because it's not like anyone's directly afraid of Trump they're more afraid of the dumb triangulation shit he'll do etc.

Also this which makes sense

<- so basically they go into the Tribe trigger and then then defend Trump as their passive aggressive (or just... aggressively insulting) way of replacing their own fears and intimidation with "Nah this isn't so cool, it's actually lame(r) than Mar a Lago " losers (she says after dismissing New Skete as not being SUPER COOL

AND AWESOME AS FUCK because what she wouldn't give to be so fucking badass away from the world in the mountains and surrounded by art and love 24/7)

Ditto

"Stopped" is like

congratulations that's 99.9999999% of my rage right there

Ah. I was going to say, I don't think people are more aggro in the car because of it's a WMD so much as just "people are more going to record road rage where they feel more "Trapped" than the mall where they can fucking Flight --> but

the environmental territory markers on cars makes way more sense

CC: What angry emotion did you feel?
CC: Yes. :|

"Thoughts associated with the emotion"

- 1) this is fucked up
- 2) he's fucked up
- 3) Fuck him very much
- 4) I don't care about him
- 5) Yes I do, and I don't want to
- 6) Okay I guess I want to because I don't want to be an unempathetic loser who hates my favorite person?
- 7) He's not my favorite person anymore
- 8] Again, fuck him.

8A] And I'm not talking to him. New bff is Satan now.
9] I'm not even going to visit him
10] At least until I calm down.
11] I told him to treat me as a teammate
12] I guess he's incapable and that is why I am mad and rejecting him
13] No, I'm not afraid of being rejected by him, because 1-12
14] I can't protect him from himself, from anything

he doesn't want/allow me to
15] Does he even give a fuck that his decisions affect others?
16] I don't care if he does/doesn't realize that. Fuck him.
17] I do not want my emotions to hurt Mom
18] I am fed up with his fucking bullshit
19] Tucker's Law: If a cunt can fuck something up, the cunt will pick the worst possible time TO fuck shit up, because that

cunt is a fucking cunt.
20] I like tea. Fuck him for being fucking dumb and always picking the things I need.
21] Fuck him for trying to control things rather than him fucking self.
22] Fuck society for fucking up
23] [Redacted for unrelated reasons]
24] I should fofucs back on things I love

*focus

What body sensations did you experience?

Actually a slight shutting down of most things which was pleasant. I did need more calories than I previously anticipated and I was a little worried about what that means for later. Slightly warm head, and tense jaw, but generally better focused?

LIFEMORTS -> Family definitely. + general Resources fear about my energy/health (Life/Limb?) which turned into "Well I don't have to spend shit on him because I don't want to and I'm so annoyed with him right now." and then I made some executive function decisions about if Mom doesn't have enough (she's not doing great and does worse when Moosey is bad) ->

Possibly running away to NY because again, can't reiterate enough "fuck him"

I was basically telling Kyle EXACTLY THIS word for word before I started reading

kopperhed Brian is on my phone with Mom so it's been kidnapped, this is why I am here instead.

Luffy-bro is not a happy Luffy either, and like I said; Tucker's Law

re: hurt. Yes. All of the above.

Expectations? No. I don't even expect him to be sane and rational and adult. Just talk to me about things. Maybe that's unreasonable, but in that event, I do not feel comfortable trusting him with me. \:|/

Did my world end? =\

Let's put a thumbtack in that for later

Good timing

/bawls

-- Legit or personal history

BOTH. [Batman]

Re: Legit; must be addressed or just happens?

- That's the neat part. I DID address it, hence me seriously being pissed because I thought I had majorly fixed it and I don't understand what/why went wrong

- What is the best way to address things

I don't know. That's another ragey thing. Because this is obviously not going to be a one & done. and that was one of my "GRRR" modes because I CAN accept that this might just keep happening, and that I can't prevent it, but it's been seen as an all hands on deck situation and I don't foresee that changing at this

point which I am not cool with

I guess if we remove the personal history aspect; I have addressed it -> to others but I shouldn't have??? maybe. Empath baby bro was obviously not someone to answer "I am reading an anger management book because I am furious" + the why with disregard how it would affect said baby empath bro

(see below)

To avoid further hurt;

I have a mixed process on this; in both ditching responsibility whether perceived, societal, resource scarcity, moral, or arbitrarily derived

Run away to NY to deal with the resources, but idk maybe that's unfeasible and irresponsible anyway idk

To avoid the emotional hurt; I was really close the other day to just ditching Moosey (emotionally) anyway and

-- Unreasonable expectations; Idk is "Be a fucking adult or talk to me when you are going to do something EXTREME like even just going for a walk and don't lie to me and act like you can go for a walk when you can't or I'll fucking tell you to lay your dumb ass down" unreasonable?????????

I definitely modified my expectations for him recently. :||||||| And then some

Can you keep the hurt to others to a minimum?
I thought I could and failed. So. \:|/ I was however, doing to others what I would want them to do to me (golden rule) and acting off outdated data (my memories being weirdly colored/wrong in certain places)

- I definitely could have addressed it later HAD I BEEN "[Allowed]" but I wasn't. I CAN however, definitely be calm, talk to Kyle, THINK harder and ask everyone else (family et. al) to give me a bit more space first/foremost.

-- THANKS TO FUCKING TUCKER'S LAW

I have been trying to help Luffy-bro all week+ too because stuff with him / Mom / Aunts / DRAMA THAT I FUCKING HATE I HATE THIS DRAMA SO MUCH WHY AM I INVOLVED??????????????? BECAUSE I LOVE PEOPLE? EWW GROSS

so

I've said a billion times, I won't ditch people if they need, but it's hard for me to both take care of myself and ~~~everyone~~~ at once. And -> further thoughts

"Did I cause this? I couldn't keep my voice down (enough to what Moosey asked for) despite trying repeatedly for 24 hours ESPECIALLY talking to Luffy-bro and maybe Moosey decided hospital was better???????? BUT THAT AGAIN HE COULD HAVE FUCKING SAID SO So fuck him

Yes. To all of that.

FOOD ALLERGIES

WELL SHIT

my life makes more sense again

true and fair

>>; don't look at me

Well shit. I understand why they struggled to differentiate CFIDS from depression now

I love you if that helps

IT DOES I love you very much

It makes me feel a lot safer knowing if all else fails etc.

oh wait

CC:

??

Those overlap HARD with CFIDS

relevant since that's also what the brain is saying

(re: cats, i think there's also Order in Society involved a lot of the time--someone cutting you off in a car is a lie like someone cutting in line, for example)

.......cars, not cats

My phone thinks i really like talking about ducks

oic

THE JOKE IS I MEAN FUCKS NOT DUCKS.

Yes babe <3

So basically I was told; Trigger warnings are more for the PTSD total freak outs that you're literally working on fixing/healing from the trauma but still need to avoid the worst of the center of the blackhole while you can. Or for example; me and dolls. If my life is completely fine for /checks notes/ 10 days in a row (which

hasn't happened in like 12 years :V) then yes, NO PROBLEMS WITH DOLLS. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut the worse everything else is, the more dolls get me a bit FREAKED.

This I knew. It's very important to reframe your life as a story (complete with understanding and acknowledging what came before, where you want to go and how you'll get there, and what you don't have control over, and the role(s) others have played in your side of the story)

yeah one of the things I've thought about often since I was a child and haven't heard discussed explicitly very often is the security of exercising power

that lashing out and hurting people soothes anxiety by reassuring the brain that we have some power to affect our environment

which I think also relates to the "bliss of evil"

Yes

But that's obviously not healthy

Biggest trigger - failing at escaping :V
day to day anger - immobility
expressed by - Grumpy >:|
Made worse by - Not taking space for myself (getting better at)

oh yeah no, you shouldn't, I'm just saying it something I worked out a long time ago and kind of assumed was obvious but I guess not

Yes

SO that my current emotional state makes more sense from the outside

Admittedly it was a little more like 90 hours, but it's fine, I'm doing my best. It's a PROCESS

"the future" is cut off but you get it

And I do fucking love surfing

I was just telling Luffy-bro my love language is "buy me shit" (especially books because POTENTIALITY) and I was glowing over Kopper buying me books >:3333

I laughed and --

I felt angry and disrespected, underestimated (again), undervalued (again), and like I was being set up for failure and that others weren't holding their own in either
1] staying out of jail/hospital/EMERGENCY situations
2] giving me warning or cooperating with the helpful methods I try to gave them
3] Recognizing how much of the universe was drowning and

"NOT NOW DANG IT"

What I want is control okay no, I don't, because that's stupid. what I want is HEALTHY BOUNDARIES (achieved checkmark, + PLAN for the future in case of slippage), turning SHIT into GOLD or you know. knowledge and experience which is >>>> gold.

-- I felt much better when establishing a small line of communication with brother, though this must continue and I miss him now because I can't further fix and/or verify and/or strengthen but that's just life, some things have to be TRUSTED

+ Plans and "I am in control of [x] but not [y]" was clearly established; appeasing my wolf hierarchy instinctual

"requirements" (for stability)

Necessary to note: I HAVE to sing and breathing exercise to you know... survive. But yes, I get SUPER bad moods if I don't do it DAILY o.o Oxygen -> brain is very important to be fair

Standing meditation for others

I wish I had this about /checks notes/ 25-5 years ago BUT

This is the ONLY exercise God "lets" me do at this point (actually no, he let me go on a way too long walk where I underestimated the length of the trail and where it reconnected see also: traded memories for Satan as a guardian)

But I also find it easier to do while playing video games :|

Smart

I also find it uncomfortable/UNHELPFUL AF to be told when to breathe (generally, I'll do it for certain tests/hospital stuff) because I have control issues yay

My fucking jam, bread, butter, and green tea every day

So it also REALLY REALLY helps me that on the weekend there's all these awesome protests because it's people doing the hard physical labor that I cannot, and carrying forward my emotional torch, and that reminds me therefore to sit back and let them charge it, (even if I want to help -->) because someone has to help them when

they get home to strategize, carry the healing, and help with the other things they can't do because they're doing what they can and there's only so much time etc.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD <---- The most important page afaic

lmfao I love this book. 10/10 Highly recommend, would print copies and stash them all over for free resources in my redemption club house/waiting room / offices

((recontextualize the story - I didn't include the page+ because it's a lot but

ON A SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER Fucking Catholic note

I mean INTENSELY EXTREMELY --

I hate that part of Reconcilation (the Secrament for Penance) is confessing / CONFESSION to a priest. I am arbitrarily WILDLY public with things because it is the only control I can have over certain things (like this) and then because of that; I have had to work very very hard to understand what is PRIVATE and what I am allowed to NOT share and no one else

can EVER take away from me and share FOR me

-- This is also part of my PRIDE

That I'm a good CC who would not have eaten the one fucking fruit God said "Don't eat that" even though all I want is more knowledge; I am also crazy and it's not that I want the knowledge, I want to LEARN I love learning :VVV (curiosity? Yes. Absolutely; but--)

So telling some rando I don't have thaaaaaaaaaat close / never mind intimate a relationship with and pretending this HUMAN MAN is acting as an interface for God the Father is a little hard for me to come to happy comfortable terms with

BUT; telling soemone else is a hugely important part of learning to 1) trust others ((MY FUCKING WEAKNESS)) 2) forgive yourself 3) accept that you fucked up too and what you can do better and accept that you are a part of society and yes, they have some say/input on how you interact with them too. (huuuuuuuuuumiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiity is hard)

I love my life and everyone here

UnF*ck It Build Your Own Bundle | Fanatical-- be like a CC, get this book or others really cheaply with others too and/or workbooks if that's your thing

I didn't get ALL of them; but the ones that appealed to me and originally for the sake of writing Veteran Affairs spiritual successor to MASH etc. (so PTSD is a big deal, addiction because Moosey was on my case about it, anxiety, because dealing with HUMANITY is my biggest "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck do not want", eating because duh.)

If I have it, I'll cliffnotes it for you upon request (though it still might be better to just get a copy if you can, no joke, they're a $1 apiece or $0.53 if you're crazy enough to get even more of them than I did)

I was able to move back to FLUFF fiction last night (Pumpkin Spice Cafe It's good! So far. I'm not far. But anyway) and nonfiction and theology today

/cracks neck

But Moosey is getting moved maybe to a hospital room for longer stay (sux 2 B him) so I might read the addiction one asap WE SHALL SEE

-- RELATED Because I HATE Veigar (Riot/ League of Legends, Legends of Runeterra)

But I know why now :||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

And I keep trying to play him because

It is letting me practice dealing with extreme annoyance/aggravation and while not being stoic; not cracking full on from it Is this masochism? It feels silly. but I love training.

Moosey be like: CC YOU ARE ADDICTED TO TEA
CC be like; /snaps pens, goes back to scribbling furiously in notebooks!

What is addiction -> Chapter 1

OH HEY

TIMING /rainbow the more you know

aksdj;aslkjd also it's always fucking Britain and their fucking line swear to fuck

Things that increase propensity for addiction

o.O

Relatable. I do enjoy breathing.

I think Luffy-bro was right that trying to cold turkey stop tea was WAY MORE STUPID because it's not like God was compensating and curing me of the things that tea helps with (CFIDS, Cystic Fibrosis, etc.)

Luffy-bro was like "IT IS LITERALLY A MEDICINE THAT YOUR BODY PHYSICALLY NEEDS. WHAT THE FUCK"

moosechangerpat HEY STUPID

oooooooooooh interesting. There is a huge section on gambling addiction (obviously) but the chemical addiction is the adrenaline rush so they keep increasing the amount gambled because they're addicted to the rush and you need more of it to get the same effect (fear) so that deepens the hole ->

NOT to be confused with workaholicism which is not tackled in this book but I can talk AT LENGTH why it was so difficult for me and what fed into it and ->

THAT was more my Luciferian pride TM and identity (hard worker, identifying MYSELF by WHAT I do, and HOW I do it, and if I am not working, WHO AM I WHAT IS MY VALUE, WHAT IS MY WORTH!?!?!) + ENJOYING THE GRIND Which is not... common... and you know. God specifically made sure to give me that (and an obsession with MERGING games) for specific unique reasons

So while gambling is obviously "greed," it was never "dangerous" for me because it's petty in the face of my fucking overwhelming ambition -> but working was that dramatic and the HEALTH consequences of the workaholicism

were a MINOR addiction to the SATISFACTION of achievement (for the sake of achieving) and exacerbated my sleep issues (which have ALWAYS been an issue even as a baby, I'm basically nocturnal, so of course I struggle in this society) and ehhhh sort of a 50/50 on the social thing because in SOME ways my addiction was -> LITERALLY I DID NOT WANT TO BE HOME

((Where I was abused, couldn't do shit about it, and wasn't stable enough to set boundaries / much less expect them to be resepcted.))

But while I could still enjoy certain things that were not work ie; more relaxing. I STILL do not enjoy yoga (it bores me \:|/ yolo, especially after a weight lifting addiction ++ row crew and that has SO MANY chemicals

involved; albeit semi-natural; I was still using it as a crutch to overcome the pain of migraines + illness + avoiding the other problems I wasn't capable of facing) and I WILL color but it's not my go-to if I can do something else I prefer more of. THOUGH Merging games are nothing if not my speed and very soothing. --> the biggest thing I think is that

1: I can be in the moment -- literally didn't used to. I wasn't addicted to the stress of being constantly "AHHHH I NEED THE DO OR DIE PRESSURE" I just had a broken thermostat (see anger above) and if I wasn't working, I wanted to be. So it was harder to enjoy... fun
2: I am much more healthy with new meds / WAY less migraines and so the "OMFG THIS

IS WHAT IT IS LIKE NOT TO BE AGONY?!?!!? HOW WONDEROUS" was a big. fucking. deal. (exercise gave me enough adrenaline to override the pain, workaholicism TUNED OUT the pain slightly by "I WILL DO X I WILL DO X WILL DO X" despite the pain)
3: I no longer hinge my sense of self on productivity \:|/ I don't need to. I know who I am now. That's a gift I wish

I could give everyone. And indeed; I will work on it.

---- BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

4: Working dogs will make a job for themselves if you don't give them one. This is just. It's what they love. It's how they express their love for you, life, and BEING. Robbie doesn't like playing ball or fetch or PLAYING that much. But you know what he loves MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE? working.

She gave her hyper productivity drive to me

There is a great sense of satisfaction and self in a job well done. In getting that boulder up the fucking hill. In seeing it there. In others helping and wanting it there. Or even just the art of "Check out that fucking boulder mate. How'd he do that?"

Well don't hurt yourself

It's just a matter of "what is work" and making it something society (and/or God) can appreciate and maximizing its potential for all.

Interesting

yes word fr fr

ALSO WORTH NOTING: NOT masturbating makes men more inclined to violence, self-harm, self-loathing externalized into hatred of community & so the LITERAL nazis encouraged steroids and amphetamines so that they would be violent rage-aholics who literally shunned everything that would make them more cuddly, nice, and sweet and

peace loving because they knew other cultures ETC.

moosechangerpat DO I NEED TO GET YOU THIS IN PAPERBACK? :V

I THINK I MIGHT but you can use my digital OF ALL of them when you come back

Since I also got a bunch of the sex ones

lmfao I love her

black boots and gray sweaters /nod nod

In other words, my over-exercise addiction was indeed self-medicating to compensate for the migraines etc. though that begs the question

why did I get a buzz when I did curls with a LIGHT balance weight ala my old school "lifting" addiction

Now part of it was pride related back then. and maybe some HOPE since post coma I felt like "omgawwwwsh 1] no migraine (blood thinner) 2] I can actually do mild exercise to recover O_O"

that's the other thing, I definitely loved over-exercising -> buuuuuuuuut obviously it reached a bad level when I was just flat out collapsing and immobile and had to start making choices about my priorities and "I would rather not be FULL ON PARALYZED and unable to feed myself for 3 weeks..."

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

roflmao pat pats the alligator :VVV But yes this is the theory I have about the Garden of Eden + Adam and Eve (and the other 3, Satan, Lilith, etc.)

-- The project was to compensate / teach the corrections for the evolutionary behaviors that were absolutely correct for EVOLVING (great apes need to fear the dark and some other things) but Adam and Eve tried to jump ahead (because Satan + reasons) and therefore missed 95% of the training program

/stares into the distance

/distressed CC noises

Luckily 4-7 were moot and reassuring and 8 was the "Has anyone closet to you commented on this being a problem" to which I said - "yeah but he's the one in the mental ward so :VVVV"

I like this. This is applicable imo to most facets of life

This made me laugh and MORE SOCIAL WORKERS EVERYWHERE

wow less than a cop. dang

07 I'm on it

interesting

I definitely didn't think the rape/trauma centers but that's smart

<- THIS silly. Do not try to do that again until/unless you are licensed

Makes sense

important

Neat

Can confirm, first line of defense/treatment for CFIDS/fibromyalgia was antidepressants (it's a microbiome thing though so it's not 100% wrong) but did nothing for the workaholicism / exercise "addiction"

lol

I forget if I capped her talking about the Native American wellbeing organization but yeah related

/nod nod nod nod

She points out how yoga helps with anger too (see above) and the key thing: Don't. Do. It. If. It. Hurts. :|

Now FOR ME

Who was in constant pain and indeed, did it because it took the edge off the pain (and fueled my identity/soul crisis :V) I couldn't TELL what hurt or not for a long. fucking. time. ESPECIALLY because doing things wouldn't hurt right away; until a bit later and I'd be PARALYZED indefinitely buuuuuuuuut

It's very very different now as I have meds for the physical pain etc. and I can breathe better - very important

Yup. I do yoga. I don't love it. But it doesn't hurt

(actively helps a lot)

acupuncture and massage work too

<---- VERY fucking important

MooseChangerPat

Ugh. Definitely a point I kept making about the poor

Also pisses me off because the super rich KNOW and exploit it especially because they are socio/psychopaths

So much to fix

All of it.Ugh I mean. Fatigue. Because it frustrates me the most (See: rage at being STOPPED) wrt: fixing; also fatigue because I keep eating a lot more sugar because it's easiest to grab and SOMEHOW less dangerous for me given that I haven't ever had it send me to the fucking ER for allergies (yet hahah)

adding a healthy habit; I am trying to do the yoga; OH! And meditation/prayer is REALLY helping esp. when I get so tired I can't do other things; BUT ALSO Just letting myself go to sleep not try to keep go go go doing

It's a big deal for me

I am also trying to take me time but also not go total isolation (as would abso-fucking-lutely be my wont) by letting Mom/siblings/others keep me around and I try to answer my phone "no matter what" etc.

It is a process

I am pioritizing letting them find me

I can't promise to look for anyone; I'm not psychic enough and that's too much for me; but if you find me, I'll do whatever I can.

=> traumatic invalidation explanation

I'm sorry I suck at this, I will work on getting better

hmm

Hunger for Meaning is basically the working dog "law"

If you don't give a working dog a job; they will MAKE one (or just be so fucking insane it will be bad.....)

8|||| That depresses the shit out of me but yes. I'm not addicted to poor health. FTR. Extrapolating into theoreticals -- stuff I did when I was too WORK WORK WORK / friendships (which... no shit. I had very few friends as a kid) playing for the sake of playing and a healthier relationship with my Dad

ahahahaha Relatable

Me trying to give up tea. My family (except Moosey & Garp!Dad) screaming at me "NOOOOOOOOO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THAT IS MEDICINE. MEDICINE D:<"

ahahahahah I did feel that way about Moosey; fortunately I only have the digital copy atm

FTR Dumdum (Moosey and/or the psycho stressed out dumdum in his head) -- Mom DID do this for me with regard to working out. Straight up "stop trying to do dishes. Yes, I hate dishes. But it is easier for me to do dishes than carry you out of the kitchen"

Okay finished

Welp, this was incredibly educational. Also I'd like to reiterate, I'm very sorry I had sort of a mental break and got arrested/went off the deep end. I am taking very important steps to make sure I don't run into many of those problems again.

It's very important to distinguish the difference between addiction and medication, because they can be pretty much the same thing. If you go cold turkey off a live saving medication, you're still going to die slowly and painfully. The same can be true about whatever you're addicted to, which is why it's not often the best method for overcoming it.

Also You dont' get addicted to tea and caffeine addiction has a very different quantifiable (scientifcally) measurable composition

as they mentioned; the gambling addiction is the only one known to be treatable by certain meds and can help but extra importantly; all addictions are an attempt at self-medication at the misplaced needs

While this was a good thought experiment and provable demonstration for "wow tea is WAY MORE EFFECTIVE at compensating health when you start at a baseline deficit" removing that aspect was not something I could effectively compensate around ESPECIALLY given the environmental dangers (mice, that house in general, the CFIDS/Cystic fibrosis CAMEL CC genetics)

also the things you listed as "addiction signs" were not. fucking. it. man. Never go behind my back again, and especially not for things about me

you don't gotta apologize for mentally breaking; that's not in your control obviously. But most addictions ARE about control. You need to start accepting that 1) apocalypse? Out of control of us, only God at this point. And we take his orders. 2) CC's health? Not yours. 3) Your health? Not yours * (minus some things you CAN do to help, and please do them)

Hang in there buddy, you got this. Talk to Dad if you need more guidance. Like the VeggieTales song. And if you have a question; go ask your Dad. (yes, I know he's wrong sometimes, but not about the basics, he's not a total idiot usually )

Also yes; this is public. It's called accountability. I ain't doing this in private now, to keep you forcibly on the level. It's part of my anti-gaslighting technique FOR MY OWN SAKE. (Not your fault, my control not yours.)

** This does not mean you have to say everything in public or that you cant' DM me etc. I am still careful about what I said. Again; my decision, not yours, make yours as best for you and I will react as I feel best.

I'm pretty sure "addiction" is supposed to be defined in terms of specific categories of negative effects from sustaining it, to differentiate it from therapeutic or biological dependency

"You suffer if you don't have it" is not a good metric, that applies to literally everything you need or want, in some way.

but it's like how the clinical diagnosis of a phobia requires that it be disruptive/harmful in your daily life, so like... an irrational fear of clowns triggered only by being within arm's reach of an actual clown is generally not going to be diagnosable, because that's... just not an issue for most people

yeah I like Dr. Faith's definitions for it which is rather than dependency (as that is true for all meds, and you know; oxygen) in addition to disrupting all other aspects of your life negatively, it lights up certain areas of your brain in a way NON-addicts don't; and not just usual "I enjoy this weird thing most people do not!" but in a fixated overused

NEGATIVE way

From my personal experience with addiction... it tends to become sort of an unhealthy dependency. So if you find yourself starting to escalate because you can't be satisfied, and the new amount makes you feel like crap shortly afterwards... it's falling more in the category of addiction than medicine or... idk... fun?

yes

black holes etc.

Very much the case in gambling; sommmmeeetimes the case with shopping but not that often tbh ime and no; not the case with my caffeine. I'm just burning through more calories trying to be active daily than before when I was sleeping a whole month :V

But feeling bad about yourself after the fact was never the case with mine >> it was kind of the opposite. I felt worse about myself everytime I tried to do less. (see also -> Identity plurk that way)