I think some of it's probably just hormones. maybe even a lot of it. but it's so demoralizing. to think of yourself in terms of productivity

and I don't even mean like work, I mean
I used to write fic. all the time. where did that go. I have so many stories to tell but sitting down and getting things out is so hard now and I used to read all the time and now it's a struggle

what am I even doing with my life besides wasting it

existing is hard and it fucking sucks that everything is fucking hard

I cooked food for the fam the other day and I pass by the god damn dishes and get exhausted just looking at them bc I had just cleaned them and yes yes the inherent sisyphian nature of cleaning laundry hygiene dishes over and over but it's also actually just so hard

and then you physically finally do them and it's boring but the actual act of doing them isn't hard it's just the getting to it is hard and the idea that it'll have to be done again in short order is hard

and then I feel fucking stupid for thinking it's hard

everything in my life feels like a repeating cycle and it's exhausting

I want to leave my jobs which means pick up another job and start from the ground up again and maybe I'll have it for three months maybe I'll have it for three years and then I'll get bored and tired of it and rinse and god damn repeat and I can't get anywhere

and then the feelings of lazy privileged stupid boring disappointment creep up

Hope you feel better friend

I apparently needed to do a big cry and get the feels out and now I'm like okay back to normal instead of spiraling