One of those I might delete this later plurks... but I also kind of just want to be upset at the void and this is my void

My aunt passed on Friday. In truth, I was informed yesterday. We were informed yesterday. But I decided to say "okay thank you for letting me know" in the text that I was told about it and then compartmentalize the fuck out of it but now I'm home and it's harder to avoid

She had brain cancer, we knew it was coming. She had dealt with it for 7 years, a pretty good run by brain cancer standards. An uncle with the same kind dealt with it for 5 years. I think that says a lot about my aunt and her support. Not that the uncle had been lacking

I'm not torn up about it but I wish I was. I have sympathy for my cousins but not to the extent I should. If there is grief it's for what wasn't not what could be if my aunt were still with us. Which probably doesn't make sense

I have to decide whether to send condolences to my cousin or not

Cousin not cousins because I can't get one of their phone numbers

I think if I don't send anything then any possible relationship we could have is doomed. If I do it might still be doomed because it's been so long with no connection but it also might not be

You remember who wasn't there more than who was for some things

And speaking from experience, this is probably one of those things. But I'm not sure if I'm capable of being the better person here

We were the ones cut out from any relationship with them. I saw my aunt by pure coincidence in 2018, right before I left for China and right before her diagnosis. She needed a place to stay in Florida and my dad lived there so he was useful! These are the times they contact, when they want something lol

I was there by accident. I wanted to surprise my dad for father's day which was right before my trip to China that accidentally lasted 5 years unending

So naturally, I slept on the couch lmao

But it was nice, especially now that she's gone, that I got to see my aunt

When she was happy and ignorantly healthy (if that's a thing you can say??)

I remember thinking Damn, she sounds and looks like my mom so much. It's eerie. Or what I remembered of her

In 2018 my mom would've been gone for............... 15 years..? 16?

So that anything triggered my brain to think that way is impressive. I remember reading somewhere that you forget the face after 5 years, voice after 2 years

It's probably an average of some kind, but anyway. Long story shorter, I'm sad but for what feels like all the wrong reasons. I was more devastated with Aunt Kimmy's death, who wasn't even my "aunt" but was more there for me and my sister than our blood related aunts who cut us out

Family is fucking dumb sometimes. And my mom's side of the family is a hot mess but still a mess I wish we could be apart of for some silly reason.

Oh. LOL there's the anger and the grief.

AHA we found it

I'm going to go back to re-reading my book and maybe go for a walk. I probably need to decide whether to contact my cousin by tomorrow. Maybe my uncle as well (who hates my dad and has always avoided us like the actual plague). But despite those flaws he called my dad to tell us she was in hospice and

I don't think it matters when you lose a spouse, the grief of any widower or widow is the same. It could be 20 years, 30, 40, 50, whatever. The parallels between my uncle's grief for his wife of 40 odd years was no different than my dad's grief for my mom having been married for 17 years.

My parents were high school sweethearts, my uncle and aunt were college sweethearts

I haven't seen or spoken to this uncle since my mother's funeral. Soooo any contact might floor him and I worry about that. But I think I should. More than I should even contact my cousin directly

Ugh okay enough sadness. The book won't suffice, I need violence. I'm probably going to play a game and fight some stupidly hard boss that's way out of my level range until I win. Orrrrrrrr... the weather's not bad. Maybe some archery hm hm hm.

Yeah. It's an archery anger. LMAOOOOOOO

Fun side note, I mean. It's about another death but we're already on that train so may as well. When we found out my grandma was dying of cancer in 2018 (coincidence to leaving for China? I think not) I decided to vent with some archery

Shot an arrow CLEAN through a window. Only left a tiny, perfectly circular hole. Got stuck in a bush. My great aunt was a toxic woman to live around and I was certain with all the bad news combined that telling her I broke a window (however impressive it was) was going to make her snap

Instead she laughed, cupped my face and told me it was okay and that was probably the kindest thing that toxic woman ever did for me lol

When you need it the most

That said, lessons having been learned, we will be shooting away from the house HA.

family is a weird thing.

Family is weird af

Who designed this concept and who hurt them to make it so weird