once again realizing I have not-insignificant body dysmorphia, and while it has never been enough to kick off disordered eating, I spend way too much time like. WORRYING about it

it just struck me again while I was at the gym, like. my body is way more in alignment with what I feel it Should Be according to [requirements] but it's still not enough and I am hoping it can be enough someday. I'm not sure what that will take, but I think my workout habits are pretty reasonable (3x a week for about an hour each)

but so much of my weirdness at faire this year was I just feel ugly and amorphous. I hate having my picture taken. I will feel that I look cute in the mirror and then I glimpse myself and I go god who would talk to her

it's so fucked. I know it's disordered. I will mention it to my therapist. it seems to only crop up periodically, but I think those periods are When I Am More Public Facing

I'm about to go do our onsite week at work and I can feel it creeping in for that too. this is why WFH is the fucking best for me

choosing when I have to be perceived and stress about it

I'm not really sure when this started happening to me but it definitely is not improving as I get older

it's just like. realizing how much pointless mental energy goes into worrying about whether or not I am Acceptable To Look At. it's exhausting