(Or West but that will just take you out of the dungeon)

>inv

INVENTORY
- 10 gold coins
- Leather armor
- Coil of rope
- Healing potion

>dennis

I don't understand that command

>lie on the floor trying to muster the motivation to get my motivation back

You gather the motivation to explore deeper into the dungeon, but not the motivation to go home and pay the bills or do the dishes

>eat the demon prince

You don't see a demon prince here

>eat the whole dungeon

Come on guys I made a whole map

it took like twenty whole minutes

>take off all my clothes so that I make no sound as I sneak through the dungeon and also possibly seduce any monsters that enjoy my figure
>then go east

>Go East
This chamber contains a large locked door decorated with engravings of goblins, and also a huge hole in the middle of the floor

The hole has signs by it that read "HOLE OF DOOM"

"DO NOT ENTER"

You cannot see the bottom of the hole

>attack the darkness

you miss

>cry about it

Now you have a headache, and you're thirsty

>drop a rock in the hole and wait for a sound

.....

...........................................

.............................................................................................................

No sound

>knock on the goblin door

No answer

Looks like you'll need some kind of key to pass through this door

>make a loud goblin mating call and perform the naked goblin mating dance in case a goblin is watching from somewhere

>afterwards go back to the beginning and north

You meet some goblins in the starting room who were on their way to investigate the noise

"Hey did you hear that goblin mating call? It's been a HOT minute since I got any."

>wink seductively at the goblin and wiggle my butt
hey cutie
i left something important behind that door back there
think you can let me in
if u know what i mean

You notice that one of the goblins has a key on a string around his neck

"The human is hitting on me. Gross"

"Listen unless you can find some sexy goblins, I don't care."

rude
i am currently roleplaying as a half minotaur half mermaid

(bottom half of the minotaur, top half of the mermaid)

please respect my species

>eat the goblin who doesn't have the key

"The minotaur/mermaid is hitting on me. Gross"

thank u

fuzzysquish: You are under attack by goblins. They have rusty knives

>go full werewolf and roar to intimidate them

They stab you

you take damage

>"Hey! Rude!?

"You ate my friend!"

"He just wanted to get laid!"

"Rude yourself!"

>"He was tasty! What did you expect me to do?"

they stab you again, you take damage

>whine

If only you had a weapon, you could fight back

>regurgitate the rusty knife carried by the goblin i ate

sighs

amateurs.

>stab the goblin

The goblins flee

lastbastion: if you do any speedrun shit I am throwing you out

wait come back i need that key

>throw the knife at the head of the goblin running away with the key

see, what you SHOULD have done was hold up a sign that says HOT SINGLE GOBLIN LADIES IN YOUR AREA, PUT KEY HERE FOR MORE INFO

nah i'm not speedrunning i'm here to hang out in the demon prince's room but off to the side and heckle the party about it

im up in the statler and waldorf booth

Holsety: you take damage from throwing up a knife

but do damage with your throw

damn

The goblins escape with minor losses

>complain that this is oppression against a minority species group and that this kind of discrimination is why half minotaur/half mermaids can't progress in society today

>hope for roleplaying xp after a five minute explanation of the systemic biases

seems like that knife wasn't exactly cutting it! DOHOHOHOHO

>at least i got a knife

>go north

You pass through the goblin lair, though they've already fled for now

Further north you see a subterranean forest

There is a sign by the entrance to the forest that says "Forest of lies"

>use my knife to change the l to a p so it says 'forest of pies'
>enter and search for blueberry pies, my favorite

You find a blueberry pie

>smile happily
>consume pie

IT'S A CHERRY PIE

THE FOREST OF LIES CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM

why would u do this to me

more injustice against my benighted people

Life is hard in the dungeon

>sadly eat the rest of the pie while weeping

pie eaten

>loudly proclaim 'THE REAL LIE IS THAT THERE IS NO FOREST AT ALL' and wait for the forest to disappear and reveal its treasure

It doesn't work

this place sucks

Exits to the North and South

I forgot to say that

>thoughtfully consider the options

>search for an exit to the west

you do not find any hidden doors

>search for an exit to the east

you do not find any hidden doors

this seems wrong but fine
>proceed north

You find a hot spring where a trio of sexy goblins are relaxing

If you're into goblins then these are some primo specimins

>believe in my own sexiness despite previous setbacks
>wink seductively and waggle my butt
hey cuties <3

"We're not into minotaur/mermaids, sorry, but if you know any horny goblins, we'd love to hang out with them"

"Hey Gobbi didn't you see another minotaur/mermaid somewhere deeper in the dungeon?"

"I think he might have been a mermaid/minotaur"

;_; ;_; ;_;

sigh
there were some horny goblins earlier
they fled (describe the direction they fled)

"The demon prince was keeping him in a golden cage."

"Oh, heck yeah!"

The run off to the south

>soak in the hot springs now i am sole master of its cleansing waters

>ponder how attractive a mermaid/minotaur would be if it has the opposite halves that i do
>decide i would probably go for it still

Sounds like you have a goal, then

Also the hotspring recovers your HP

(are there exits)

Only back the way your came

so South

south three times then

You are back at the entrance to the dungeon

The sound of goblins fucking comes from the south

exits North East South

south, stealthily

You see a goblin orgy and also a merchant cowering in the corner

There is a key in the pile of goblin clothes

>snag the key stealthily
>hail the merchant whisperingly
>might you have any wares that will help me in this dungeon
>also any wares that may make me more attractive to goblins

The merchant opens his coat, revealing a rusty sword, a cracked staff, and a bent dagger

10 gold coins each

But he will throw in a potion of goblin attraction for free if you make a purchase

yessss

>open the equipment interface to check the stats of all weapons including my current rusty knife

All three are better than your rusty knife

The sword does the most damage. The staff lets you cast magic. The dagger lets you sneak attack

obviously magic
duh

You are flooding with arcane power

my god the power

You also have a bottle of goblin musk

It says "Warning: by opening this bottle you absolve the purchaser of all responsibility for what happens next"

>glances at the goblin orgy

>glances at the merchant

>uncaps the bottle

The merchant looks haunted

whispers ' i need this don't judge me'

We will pull a curtain over the stage for the next few minutes while Wighty has a goblin encounter

For privacy

<3

Some time later...

You feel sore but satisfied

You have a magic staff and a goblin key now

exits to North

>cast 'cleanse genitals' because safe sex is good sex

>north and east

This room contains a hole of doom and a locked door with goblins etched on it

>unlock the door

Beyond the door to the east lies a room with walls covered in murals

>examine murals

the murals imply doom and destruction for all mankind, but in very vague terms. It doesn't feel like a prophecy, just like someone was working through some shit

Exits to North, South, and West

>nods in understanding
>i too wish for the destruction of humanity

Yeah I get it

>north

This room appears empty

Exits to South and West

>west

This room contains an imp who is menacing you with a sword!

"Bleh! I hate humans and I'm so evil I can't be bothered to get people's races right!"

"You're all human to me!"

WOW

>cast 'baleful polymorph' to change the imp to a half centaur (top half) half anubis (bottom half)

This spell is beyond the power of your current staff. You cast it but the staff cracks in half

this shitty merchant ripped me off

well

the potion was good

the imp's existence is a nightmare now

repent of your racist sins

Exits to East and North

north

This room contains Stalactites

Exits to North and South

north

This chamber contains Stalagmites

Exits to North, East, South

>north

This room contains a SKELETON

The skeleton is running an item shop

It offers you a bone sword, a bone staff, or a bone dagger, 100gp each

Your current cash level is

Broke

>blink at the skeleton
>is it sentient
>say hello

The skeleton rattles its bones at you in a friendly manner

Oh right exits to the south

oh
are you attracted to half mermaids half minotaurs and would you offer a discount

headshake

worth a shot
thanks mr / ms / mx skeleton i'll be back
south
east

This room appears to be empty. Exits to the north, south, east, west

oh god too many options
n...orth

This chamber contains a sleeping dragon

It is massive

covered in scales like shields, with claws like swords

Smoke rises from its nostril as it snores

Exits to the south

having worn out the seduction joke, i decide not to consider whether i can waggle my butt at the dragon and go south then east

You enter a massive chamber full of lava and floating platforms

Some of the platforms are moving

>examine the pattern of movement
>is it possible to make it to an exit
>and / or any distant platforms that may have treasure

None of the platforms you can see have treasures on them

Oh right also Exits to the EAST and SOUTH

and WEST

hop across the platforms east

It's hot and uncomfortable

But you make it

The next chamber is full of fire imps

They aren't racist but they do want to kill you

You have a rusty knife but you worry that that won't cut it here

oh thank god I found you all!
I saw something terrible!
a group of goblins surrounded one of your poor helpless brothers/sisters and laughed hideously as they cast a terrible incantation to transform it into a nightmarish creature
then they were so overcome by bloodlust they had a celebratory orgy
you must go and seek vengeance for your kin

the goblins are west and south

"We only care about fire imps and we're all the fire imps in this dungeon!"

(Also Exits East West but you can't go East because the Fire Imps are still in the way)

wow why are all imps so racist

They're evil

that's fair

west and south

This room is full of treasure

gold coins and jewels

but between you and the treasure is a hamster in a cage

"I am the riddle hamster!"

"To claim this treasure first you must answer my riddle!"

oh
but you're in a cage
how would you stop me

"3 men each got 1 cup of coffee. They used 12 sugar cubes between them, but all of them had an odd number of cubes in their cup!"

"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!?"

Exits to NORTH

well thats silly
Because a sugar cube is just a collection of sugar molecules loosely organized into a rectangular shape through compaction
strictly speaking there is no such thing as a sugar cube only sugar molecules which are not cube shaped but instead are two hydrocarbon rings, one a pyranose glucose ring and the other a five carbon furanose fructose

ring neither of which are cube shaped

therefore your riddle is invalid

"WRONG!"

hamsters don't know any chemistry

what are they teaching in hamster school

"two of them had 1 sugar cube each, which is an odd number, while the last had 10 sugar cubes, which is an odd amount of sugar to put in your coffee!"

"You get NOTHING, fool!"

"Begone from my presence!"

ok well my answer is scientifically accurate so i'm gonna step over you and take the treasure because i'm more right

"Hey! Stop that!"

The hamster is unable to stop you

You now have about 200 GP

goodbye hamster it was very nice to meet you

please go back to school

"Fuck you!"

i got that already tonight

i'm at my limit honestly

but maybe next time if i polymorph you into a goblin

>return to mr skeleton and buy a bone staff
>carefully question what magic this staff can cast

Bone staff can cast
> Bone spear
> Bone cage
> Bone dagger
> Bone

>return to the fire imps and cast Bone on them from around the doorway until they too begin a mass orgy

The Fire Imps are empowered by their boning

>sneak to the east exit while they're busy boning

The chamber to the east has glowing red floor tiles that radiate heat

Exits to West and South

>south

Ow ow ow ow ow!

It hurts to walk through this room

you take damage

ok i probably should have expected that

This chamber contains a ring of fire resistance and a blue key. Exits to north

sighs
takes both items
Equips the ring
north west west which i think places me back in the chamber with four exits then south to what i believe is the last unexplored direction

South of that room was the riddle hamster, but the jumping puzzles had an exit to the south

oh yes let's do that

The fire imps attack you because they're done boning, but they can't hurt you significantly, because of your new ring

To the south of the lava puzzle room is a room that has a locked door to the east, decorated with sapphires

unlock the door

Beyond this door is a library

Exits to the East and West

peruse the shelves

There's all KINDS of books here

search for books on befriending dragons

books on demon princes that sap motivation

You find a book about befriending dragons. It suggests bringing them thousands of gold pieces

and a map of this dungeon

You find a book about demon princes, which suggests that demon princes are undefeatable

You find a map of A dungeon, but it doesn't appear to be THIS dungeon

rise above the dungeon in spirit to query

when did you make another random map of a totally unrelated thing to drop in when someone asked a question like this

6 years ago, apparently

good god

descend back into the dungeon exit east

This room has a nice rug

Exits to North, South, East, West

pull up the rug

Stone

stone floor that is

knock on the stone

That's stone

nods wisely

can i keep the rug

it's pretty heavy and would be awkward to carry

You could take it with you if you defeated the demon prince

sigh

go north and then inform the game master he is going to play hades for a bit and politely say thank you for the effort of this game and he will return at a later point but anyone else is also welcome to pick up the adventure provided they remember they are a half minotaur half mermaid

(thanks this was fun!!!!)

(Thanks!)

To the north is the SKELETON'S OFFICE

The Skeleton sits behind its desk, hands propped up under its chin, and waits silently for you to explain yourself