All I will say is: at the time, the uncertainty of WG's moderation made me uneasy the community would come back. I wondered if a new mod team could be instated to ensure that didn't happen. I still don't like that its fate is up in the air and it could return at any time. But nothing happened, and honestly, I forgot I asked.

I understand how this looks. If you'd rather step back, I will understand.

If you'd like to talk to me privately, that's fine too. I'm either going to step back or consider dropping in a general sense.

Alright, go.

I have absolutely no horse in this race, but did you ever talk about those feelings about WG?

Put them out in the open?

Not particularly. It didn't seem important. It was a passing thought I really shouldn't have acted on.

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

Yep.

Talking about those feelings might have helped assuage any concerns, you know. And it would have given context.

I completely forgot I made the request and couldn't have guessed this was coming, or I would have contextuelized it voluntarily ages ago.

This is not to excuse it. But I really just forgot. That's not okay on its own and I understand if that's not acceptable to people.

I know, I'm just saying that sometimes it's best to talk through feelings in general, and that, when you initially had said feelings you probably should have aired them out.

i think most of the conspiracies ppl are coming up with are kind of insane but this was pretty pants on head stupid yeah

But the past is the past

BlueFlewFedUQueen: correct.

I have no defense. I recognize what this is, probably as something I did impulsively in the middle of the night without really thinking about it, and those are the worst decisions. I can't take it back, so all I can do is offer what reassurance I can and step back in the ways I can to ensure others are comfortable in their spaces.

I think in this case it's probably better to just let it go. If people were actually interested and invested in wankgate it would have already been back in some shape or form. I think the fact that it hasn't says more about the community as a whole than trying to protect it from the boogeyman of it returning.

That's exactly why I didn't pursue anything. Nothing happened at all, my concerns were unsubstantiated, so I was like, oh, sure, and just let it go.

support ticket never gonna go anywhere since denise has made it extremely clear in the past she doesnt like wg to begin with, the fact that this is getting dragged on rpanons anyway is proof enough that its all the same people lol....

If memory serves, I submitted the ticket a few months ago, I can only assume much closer to the time the final post maxed out.

BlueFlewFedUQueen: I don't plan on looking, though I'll address any concerns brought to me here/directly. Otherwise, I've not the least idea.

but yeah ultimately my opinion is that this was dumb. people make dumb decisions. stepping back from RD is probably a good idea.

it was extremely dumb!

I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I'm trying not to, like, spook and just drop everything compulsively, but I also want to grant space to whatever needs there may be to, like, not be around someone rightfully perceived as risky or unsafe.

That's what I did, that's awful, and I can only apologize. I am really sorry. Words are cheap, so whatever anyone is or isn't comfortable with, I'll understand.

I have no real horse in this race as I do not know you personally, but this cap shows clearly that it was not "a few months ago". It was September 23rd 2025 exactly. Lying about the details is not a good look for you.

dwrpanonhere: IT WAS?

You two have zero activity on your Plurk

Oh jesus, wow. Okay. I guess it was recent! I'm not sure why I was still worried about it.

So did "canwenot"

bunnymoonvii: they made these to interact with me in a public space. It's fine.

I still have no horse in this race, but that's not exactly a good look.

It really is fine.

dwrpanonhere: I forgot. I guess I just tried to assume the best of my own motives. I'm not trying to lie about when it happened. It unfortunately surprises me as much as anyone else that it happened so recently, which I'm aware sounds insane.

Okay, if it's cool with you, it just... Struck me as odd.

To be honest, I thought I dreamed doing this? I had a vague recollection of doing so and convinced myself it could not possibly be real, because that would be stupid. Sighs.

Anyway, I already said my piece I intend to say, so I'm going to mute this.

It’s people criticizing someone who ostensibly wants a wank community back. I can’t say I blame the desire for anonymity.

bunnymoonvii: you're fine, go ahead.

FullOfBees: I understand. I really don't want wankgate back and can only think mournfully of a comment I made less than 24 hours ago being glad of its continued absence. But how this looks is like I am a crazy person who enjoys that sort of thing, and I understand the take.

Yeahuh.

I can't make anyone believe me, nor do I intend to try. Ask if you have questions and I'll do my best. Anyone who wishes to defriend me has total amnesty and I won't ask.

I've been silent because I don't have the energy for the most part, but you are now rapidly changing your story. You wanted to hand it over; you forgot despite it giving you anxiety; you didn't know when you did it; now you convinced yourself you dreamed it. At no point did you think to check your support requests to make sure?

foxtrots: I didn't know you could do that! I wish that had occurred to me.

sorry, pip, but as someone who had you for a long time, “sorry, i thought i dreamed this” is such a bizarre excuse that i, personally, can’t believe it. idk what else to say other than i’m disappointed and i’m sorry it had to happen like this

It's okay! It's okay. I'm aware it doesn't sound believable. I don't know what other explanation I could give.

Here's what I'm pretty sure happened. I can only guess. I don't remember.

Looking at the screencap I submitted this at 2:30 in the morning? Middle of the night. I can only assume I was ruminating, had this incredible idea, thought I'd try it, promptly fell asleep, and when I woke up assumed I had genuinely dreamed it, and just moved on with my life.

I think about things, a lot, that I never actually do, and worry about doing them, so this seemed plausible to me.

Middle of the night is when my anxiety tends to be worst and also when I tend to make impulsive decisions, which usually I'm able to sleep off instead. It's really unfortunate that I didn't succeed here.

Lastly, I ... have a terrible memory. I refer to it as the memory hole. I've had a bad memory all my life. But I will forget things, and delete them like they never happened, and end up living in a different version of reality from everyone else.

This drives people, understandably, crazy, because I start to insist things didn't happen that did or vice versa.

I hope you don't take this personally, as I'd have the same reaction to finding out that anyone I know had been asking around for the keys to WG: this makes me uncomfortable, regardless of the reasoning behind it. I'm sorry. This is probably all I will say for now, as I'd like to further sort out my feelings.

I didn't know you could check support requests or probably would have tried to do so out of curiosity and been astonished to discover this was real. Which I have been for the last few hours.

sleeptalk: I understand, jackal. Take your time.

As someone who has known Em for more than 20 years, I can attest to the memory issues. It's been a problem for as long as we've known one another. It doesn't excuse any of this, but I can absolutely say it does not surprise me that this fell into the memory abyss

I, genuinely, have a job interview in like 15 minutes, so please continue to ask questions, I'll respond when I can.

If you're having a complete "this is bullshit and I don't believe you" reaction, I understand. I really do. I don't know if I'm under or over reacting at this point, but I am fucking heart broken. I've destroyed people's trust in me, destroyed a lot of fun plans, and made a lot of people uncomfortable.

And things won't be the same! And that just ... has to be what it is now.

I am so sorry.

DrFishbone: can also attest, memory hole is real and I've encountered it myself with Em before

I wanna say thank you for clarifying things to the extent you felt you could remember. I know you've had a difficult history with WG, as many others in here have almost certainly had as well, and can understand the desire to see it finished once and for all

foxtrots: I'm really sorry, Tai. I feel so fucking bad.

vaulkner: I just feel like an idiot. The intrusive thoughts won.

The only other thing I can think of to clarify is the renaming of my journal, which was completely incidental timing-wise and for which there are receipts on my timeline.

Is this something that in all likelihood should have been talked through or thought out? Yeah. I acknowledge that anxiety is not rational, though, and can prompt us to do things without any logic whatsoever. Again, doesn't excuse the fact it happened, but, I see someone trying to be forthright as possible

i don't know you and my first real interaction with you was looking over royal decree EMP stuff. i'm not gonna rehash why certain ideas were stupid because everyone involved has acknowledged it, but it looks like the cleanest solution was taken from everyone involved

You're not an evil person or anything someone might try to paint you as, but the fact this was the night of your big old wank reminiscing post also sits sour with me. I'm not trying to be holier than thou, it's just a lot of stuff doesn't add up for me.

foxtrots: OH MY GOD, IT WAS?

none of this is going to impact my interactions with RD, and frankly, none of this is going to impact my interactions with you (past a Calm Awareness). i can't promise you're being genuine here, of course, but if nothing else i've felt the exact "what if i could own the community so it stopped" impulse before.

just. rubs my face. maybe that was why it was on my mind??? I guess it must have been. Or maybe they're unrelated, I literally don't know. It's fine. I understand it hitting real poorly.

yeah i definitely have 0 desire to beat a dead horse at this point and while i'm disappointed i do appreciate you being as forthright as possible. the memory issues ARE very real and i also suffer from them as well to a degree, so i empathize! doesn't make the decisions any less stupid, and hopefully you can learn from this going forward em

nebellung: this will be unbelievable to everyone, but I don't and didn't want it myself in the first place. it was a complete hypothetical. give it to someone else. someone ELSE who can be the adult and handle the radioactive waste.

yeah i'm not gonna judge on the memory front lol. glass houses etc

Yeah, I'm just being clear why I (personally) find this suspect. I think you'll recover but you'll need to lay low for a while.

(Time blindness is also a Known Em.exe Bug)

(Fwiw)

charred: it was extremely stupid, like a lot of my impulsive thoughts are.

foxtrots: I know. Please feel free to ask any other questions and I'm sorry again.

My interview is LITERALLY right now I gotta go

I. huh. I don't really know how to feel about all of this. But as someone that's known you for easily more than a decade I definitely know that you have time blindness. and sometimes intrusive thoughts win out.

Hopefully the interview goes well

ALSO YEAH WHY ARE YOU STILL RESPONDING TO THIS YOU HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW

GO!!!

+1, Take some time to breathe before the interview and don't check the plurk

nebellung: crippling anxiety. bye!

Ok, we survived. Still here if anyone wants to talk or ask questions.

I guess I need to note this: I never saw the callout plurk. Ironically, that never made it onto my timeline. I don't know what's being said, and I don't think it's healthy for me to seek it out. This plurk and my DMs remain open to all.

this is an incredibly anal correction but it wasnt the same day as your rp drama plurk but the same week. sept 23 -> sept 26. so maybe wank was on the brain from that lmao

Yeah, bud, definitely don't go seek it out. It's not good for anybody's health to read, in my opinion

fontech: I MEAN, MAYBE?

i have no real horse in this race bc my game quota is already exceeded but big yikes on everything there. very bad call etc etc but lesson learned ig, im not gonna pile on. sorry this happened

god no definitely not. There's nothing useful there that hasn't already been said to you

Yeah, me too.

I don’t know you but thank you for the explanation. I appreciate you taking the time and also taking responsibility in tone. I’ve known people with memory time lapses so I can believe that happened with the backing of your long time friends. Please take care of yourself

It's been very surreal, if nothing else. I don't remember doing this. The only evidence I have of this happening is the same evidence everyone else has. I'm not surprised my story sounds twisted or ad hoc. I'm not recollecting it, I'm playing fill in the blanks.

No I understand you

The others brought up my time blindness, thankfully, as I would not have thought to mention it otherwise. But, obviously, or at least if you believe the above, I have a very poor sense of the relative passage of time.

Lizadow: anyway, thank you for saying so, it's kind.

Just take this all as a lesson in hindsight and keep pushing on. People are going to read this as they want but genuinely wishing you better days ahead

I don't know if I will return to the hobby. I am trying, as best as I am able, not to make any snap decisions. We'll see what the future holds. Thank you, again.

That’s wise, think everything over

For the record, even as someone with doubts, I think you should stay. Just laying low for a few months and sticking to your word means a lot

This isn't a [gollum voice] "leave now and never come back" situation

I have been in a situation of badly reacting to mod stuff and still came back from that. Can be done!

foxtrots: I know, I know. I'm just completely freaked out and feel god awful. There may be some extenuating circumstances I didn't figure out until talking with a friend, but even so it wouldn't change what's happened. I don't feel like a good or safe person to be around. And that's my own, to figure out and deal with.

I understand at least as someone with anxiety that it absolutely feels overwhelming, along with blame and (maybe once you process) anger at people doubting you. But I can also promise if you take steps to disengage for a bit, cuddle an animal, read good books etc it'll help too

It's not a sword above your head, it's a stumble at worst

I don't, like, want to get too deeply into how I'm feeling in this plurk, as I don't want anyone to feel responsible for said feelings. The scrutiny and suspicion are earned. I made people feel unsafe and that's in no way acceptable behavior. I can't blame anyone for how they've reacted or felt.

Where it leaves me is an open question I don't know the answer to.

I was at the places I wanted to be, is how I suppose I would put it. I don't know what moving forward looks like or what I want it to look like or maybe if I should just find another hobby. Time will tell, I guess.

My cents on this is that this is a hobby that tends to attract high anxiety, and high emotions on things. It is very easy to see how people could take that post in the worst possible light that you were trying to take over the comm. In the same light, it's very easy to see how someone going through it could make the ask out of worry and want the confirmation

that the comm wouldn't be handed over to someone.

yeah I’m just gonna say thanks for the explanation. I’m sorry this happened the way it did.

I do hope you can come back to the hobby someday.

I get how bringing up the topic makes people uncomfortable. I've had situations dragged out on there too. But I also trust and take you for at your word for what the intent was.

goodluckmodes: I'm sorry I don't have a better one. Truly. All I have is the truth, for however meager and unbelievable it is.

jjabarrett: you are being kinder to me than I deserve. thank you, anyway.

Hey. I mean it's like I said it was a dumb move, but I don't think anyone around hasn't made one. Just be mindful of it.

I reached out to my psychiatrist. There's some medication things, probably, that need to be sorted.

That's probably a good move too.

I'm glad you did

yeah I am also a bad memory haver and timeblindness is a blight. fwiw i have really enjoyed getting to know you and honestly was more relieved than anything to see this explanation plurk

take care of yourself

goodluckmodes: that's an understandable reaction to have, lol...

yeah, working on it

also wishing you the best! people do dumb things but owning up to it means a lot imo. take as much time as you feel you need

I want to be clear about one last thing. This is my responsibility, and I am not a victim. I have done something wrong, and actions have consequences. I don't want, nor need, sympathy, though I appreciate very much those of you who have reached out to me. It is very kind.

Yeah! That's totally fair- I don't think you didn't do something wrong. I just think you also took the right approach in addressing it.

I'm just here to offer sympathy on the bit remembering thing. I know how much it sucks to have done something and have no memory of it.

lastbastion: I know I really don't talk about it so this probably all seems to be coming out of nowhere, but the problems go back, uh, ironically, further than I can remember, to when I was quite small.

DrFishbone has a lot of hands on experience with little 13 year old me saying things only to, like, a day later, have no clue if asked about it

And can also attest that I dmed her some months ago going hey dude did I have a bad memory as a kid???? for her to, like, laugh me out of the plurk

I do forget that I forgot. It's infuriating. To everyone.

It's true, I laughed heartily

I'm sure the last thing you need is my two cents on the matter, so I'll just say this. Take care of yourself, kay?

Just a note that this remains open for discussion, whatever may be left. For now this is the only public avenue I think I am capable of offering. Otherwise, please just PM or pplurk or whatever you please.

I have no real other statements to make and will be honoring my commitment to step back. I just want to be clear that if there are any lingering questions or concerns—at all—I will answer them, as best as I am able to.

I adjusted a bunch of shit with my profile and pfp and shit--I'm not trying to hide, I'm not going anywhere. There's just some things I don't want to look at right now, and I can only ask for understanding of that.

adds this here. full final public statement etc.

Acknowledging that this is some very sensitive information you've shared, I respect that, and would never have you expose even more PHI to prove yourself. I just wanted to say that you've been in my thoughts since this was something that escalated very quickly. A Lot happened. .

After I was done having my own kerfuffle of feelings about WG, I ultimately just hoped you were okay. Just glad to hear that you are & hope you continue to be well.

A lot happened.

It's been ... a lot, you know? Like I said in my big statement ... I've been hurt by that place too, badly. It's been ... like a nightmare. I keep hoping I'll wake up. Haha. It's silly, I know.

sleeptalk: I've missed you, and I've been thinking of you too. I hope you're well. Maybe when I've got this all under control, and I feel well and healthy, I'll be able to come back.

It's not silly at all. I'm very sorry about what happened.

Yeah. Me too. I am so, so, so sorry. I will never be able to express how much.

I care about you, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I just want you to know that, okay?

Heard, and thank you, Pip. Please know that this doesn't mean I'm not your friend anymore. I would never want someone alienated over what boils down to internet drama.

Jfc I said I wouldn't cry but you're all being so nice I'm just bawling lol. Fuck. This is not about my feelings!!!!! Jeez louise. I'm doing my best. Thank you, Jackal. That really means more to me than I can express.

My discord is in the other plurk if you ever want to chat. And ... like I said, I'll try to come back, when I've had some time to heal.

Yeah. Honestly, I get it. It’s why I said this was a dumb move, but an honest mistaken too. Mistakes hurt but I don’t think you had malicious intent in mind.

Thank you, for saying so. I didn't, but I know saying so carries very little weight. But I appreciate, very much, that you believe so, too.

Gentle bump. I already bumped the other Plurk tonight. I’ll be bumping both once more tomorrow evening and then I’ll be deleting the app for a while!

bumps this one last time!