I've had, obviously, some time to process, and think about things. I'd like to address what happened now that I've actually had that time to talk to my MH professionals, family, and friends.

(... this whole thing is pre-written, so. Just FYI.)

Comments will remain locked until words are finished, but afterwards, I will open them up. I will state up front you may share this. You may take screenshots. I do not care, I do not mind. Share, or do not, as you wish.

What I want to do is explain: 1) what happened, 2) why it happened, 3) what I plan to do to keep this from happening again, and 4) what moving forward looks like for me.

What Happened:
My story here is more or less the same as my public plurk, but I want to summarize, clarify, and add some context.

Essentially: I had an impulsive thought in the middle of the night that it might be a good idea to transfer WG ownership to new mods to prevent/control any shenanigans. I was definitely high, and I was definitely in ADHD brain.

I sent the report, got the email confirmation, immediately archived it, and woke up to zero evidence of what I had done. Given how my brain is, and how it works, I did not clearly remember doing it, and dismissed what few vestiges I did remember as a dream.

(MH talk) I have a tendency to think/believe/daydream that I have done something wrong, or bad, and I will obsess over that thought for hours until reality asserts itself and I remember it never occurred, because wow, that would be crazy.

I'm sure you can imagine, then, why I thought this was an instance of that kind of obsessive thinking. Unfortunately for everyone, I was mistaken.

Why didn't I check public support requests? Didn't know you could! Why didn't I check my emails? Didn't think it was real! All I can say is I wish I'd known, more than anything.

(MH talk) Here is some context that was missing from the original plurk, because I only pieced this together with the help of my friends and my therapist and psychiatrist over the weekend and last few days.

Recently I have been going through medication changes. I have, like, turbo ADHD, which comes/is coupled with a very poor memory and severe time blindness, amongst a host of other issues. I take medication for this. What I did not realize is that my current med is a stimulant. It wears off. E.g., in the middle of the night. Say, at 2:30 AM.

I was on a supplemental nighttime medication that also controls ADHD/anxiety/impulsivity. Through a series of really unfortunate misunderstandings between my GP, my psych, and myself, as well as physical health issues that my many medications combined can cause, I had to go off of this medication. And I did so in, truthfully, about a week flat.

According to my psychiatrist, going off it completely, and as fast as I did, would have had knock on side effects. Pretty bad ones. Which, apparently, manifested in... losing control of my impulses. The intrusive thoughts won, in a very not joking way.

I stopped this medication somewhere between the 19th and 21st of September. I submitted the support request on the 23rd.

Additional context: I made a second huge, life-altering decision during this time frame, on the 26th. There are receipts for and witnesses to this decision.

That decision is one I do not want to get into in detail and will not do so if asked. I will say only that it has to do with my sexuality and it was .... it went about as well as this did.

In sum:

I went off a medication in an abrupt way not agreed upon by my doctors due to a series of misunderstandings. This led to my ADHD, anxiety, and impulsivity not only being uncontrolled, but exacerbated.

(I can, if asked, prove all of this. I have receipts of/for everything. But it's all very sensitive medical information. If you'd like to confirm what I'm saying is true, confirm any of the timeline here etc, come talk to me and we'll see what we can do.)

And I made a stupid, thoughtless, impulsive mistake. However well-intentioned in my brain, it came off as ... well, crazy.

And I'm sorry. I really fucked up here. Bad, in multiple ways. I am really, really sorry.

Why It Happened:
Like I said in my original plurk, I'm still playing fill in the blanks with something I don't remember doing. With time to reflect, this is me putting forward my best understanding of what was going on in my head.

First of all, simply, anxiety. I'm a deeply, constantly anxious person. I compulsively checked RPA and WG about once a week each just ... looking for trouble. Problems. Terrified I'd see my own name.

I've been dragged before. I know what it's like.

I know it was deeply irrational. And useless. And in hindsight I should have blocked the web addresses. Hindsight reveals much.

I also tend to be ... active, between 2-3 AM pretty specifically!, due to some combination of ADHD and insomnia. Not always, but frequently. Again, there are folks who can attest to this.

Since I don't remember submitting the report, I can't give an exact reason why I did it. Was I on WG compulsively looking at whatever and got anxious? Was I thinking about old drama due to a plurk I'd made around the same time about RP drama and got worried? Unfortunately, your guess is as good as mine.

But I will tell you this.

On Reddit - a website I spend truly way too much time on - there is a system in place where, if a sub's mods go inactive, you can contact site administrators in order to get new mods installed. This prevents trolling and spam and keeps the community controlled.

I am POSITIVE this must have been what prompted my request. I know myself well enough to know how my brain plays the association game. "Community no mod? Maybe new mod prevent trolling. Perhaps site admins can fix?"

Proceed to submit a half-insane, poorly written, typo-riddled request.

That's all I got. Truly. I have had panic attacks because of wankgate. I have actual trauma. Trauma it took me literal years to get past in an active way and trauma that clearly still impacts me to this day.

I will state this again, and state it as many times as I have to: I do not want to revive wankgate. I never did. And I will never want anything to do with it, unless it is an active hand in making it die forever.

Speaking...of?

To my knowledge, the support request I submitted is no longer public. I don't know why this is. I received no reply from DW staff concerning it. There is a third party who can verify this. I am also willing to verify it through screen share if anyone would like incontrovertible proof.

I also closed it. There was no reason to keep it open. It was so poorly and insanely worded I'm afraid admin would have eventually come back asking if I wanted the comm, and I really don't need that series of panic attacks.

What I Plan To Do:
This is already happening. I've been in contact and in appointments with my therapist and my psychiatrist multiple times between Friday and the day this is being posted. We are working on my medication balance.

I am going to be evaluated for other conditions I think have not been explored or treated. I will be entering an intensive outpatient psychiatric (IOP) program as soon as this week, just to get me balanced and back on my feet, and perhaps get some direction in all of this.

I am taking every proactive step I can to work on myself. It will take time. But I am, and will be, doing the work. Whatever it takes.

I want to be normal for my own sake. I feel like a stranger in my own head. Like I can't trust my own judgment. Like I live with a copilot I don't know whose mistakes I just wake up to, clueless.

This is not to eschew responsibility. I'm just talking about how it feels in my head, which is Very Wild.

I also want to state this again, for the record: I am responsible for what happened here. I am not the victim. I did something wrong. I caused harm, alarm, pain, and panic. I broke trust. I fucked up. It was not some ghost, I was not possessed - though, truly, it feels that way, a little bit. Emphasis, again, on "feels."

But I want to be clear I am taking accountability for what I have done. I am working on myself to keep things like this from happening again. The report is closed. Officially, guaranteed, nothing will come of it. It is over.

Moving Forward:
I don't know what this looks like, still. I want to bring it up if only because I do think I would like to return. But I don't know what that looks like. I don't know when that is.

I don't know when I'll be okay again.

And I've got to work on that. It'll take time.

For the sake of full transparency:

I emailed the webmaster account of Dreamwidth with a request to have WG archived or taken down. The email generated a support ticket which has my full legal name on it, and it is apparently private.

Here is the text of the request. Here is a screenshot with my full name and email redacted.

(Why email the webmaster? After much ruminating on DWs support options, an email to the webmaster seemed most direct, and then I got a support ticket in reply anyway.)

I thought I ought to at least make good on what I said I wanted to do. I have no idea if this will result in anything at all. If admin ever replies, the answer may well be that their hands are tied. But I had to at least try. If anything does come of it, you all will be the first to know.

I want to conclude this by apologizing, again. I hurt and scared a lot of people. I am so incredibly sorry for the pain I've caused you all. Never in my life would I have ever wanted that. Ever.

For the road, I will leave you with pictures of my lovely, very ancient kitties, whom I have been hugging a great deal lately.

I will open comments now. Other than providing requested information, I will likely not respond to comments here. (Please ping me directly if you want/need a response, or use the previous public plurk.) I just want to leave this open, I guess.

You can continue to use the previous public plurk, pplurk me, DM me on discord if you have it, or PM one of my journals if you'd like to talk to me one on one. You may make a sock to do so.

I mean, I can't stop you, of course. I'm just saying I will reply to such a thing if you have a request to make of me. I want to be as transparent as possible here.

Go nuts. To my friends - those I have known forever, and those I haven't known very long - I love you, and I'm sorry.

Take care, everyone!

(Comments are actually open now.)

gotta say, it was abundantly obvious to me as this was playing out that it was the result of a mental health episode of some kind, probably exacerbated by medication, and all the takes insisting otherwise were so unsympathetic that i thought they must be in bad faith, yes, witnessing a mental health breakdown can be disturbing in and of itself, but still.

i'm really sorry all of this happened to you, and i hope your recovery is as smooth as possible

smooches cora and smooches ashe, you take care, pip

I am glad you're getting help with your meds, and I hope eventually this is something you can put behind yourself.

I really do wish you the best <3

Thanks, Tai. I hope one day we can be friends again.

To be clear I don't feel as if we're not friends or can't still be them, if that helps.

... it does, actually. That's very kind. Thank you, Tai. I miss talking to you. Someday I'll come back, and ... I'll finish ORV. We can talk about it.

I super look forward to that day. And hey! If you want an easier way to react me I'm on discord at foxtrots

i'm sorry this happened, em. fwiw this situation pretty immediately struck me as something mh-related, as well i really hope your treatment going forward is effective and that you can healthily return to the hobby someday

I would love that. I would really, really love that, Tai, thank you. I'm @ skywardlii. Anyone can feel free to add me there as well.

Best wishes. you know how to get in touch. I'm glad you're taking steps to get yourself on a healing path

ceesawaseesaw: cee! It's good to see you. Thank you so much. I also hope it goes well. Finding an IOP has been a little nerve wracking but I'm hoping we've got a good one. Fingers crossed!

I appreciate how upfront you're being here, and I hope your next steps go well.

Wishing you the best for a healthier state mentally and emotionally, Em. Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

Hi Sam. I've been thinking of you too. I miss all of you like crazy. Please cross your fingers for me. I'm going to do my very best.

Me: I'm not gonna reply to this
Me:
Me:
Me: barfs emotions anyway

yo, glad you've been getting help/medications sorted out after All That. best of luck to u em o7

Lavvy!! Thank you so much. I'm sorry we didn't get to do more, haha. Someday, somewhere, perhaps!

our paths will cross again eventually, im sure!

snickersnack: working on it. Thank you, Jax. So much. For everything. You know what I mean. You're a sweetheart, and never forget it.

Wishing you well. I didn't say much when the whole snafu erupted as it wasn't my place and I never wanted to make assumptions on anything. Hoping your road to healing goes well, and proud you're taking the steps. If you ever wish to speak, my Discord's always open!!!

You are too, Em. And I'm always here for you! You take time for you!

Wahoo, my love. Thank you. If you do run that mg, I hope it goes awesome. You can definitely make it happen, I believe in you 1000%.

just take care of yourself. put your health and mental self first. I do wish the best and I do think a break will be good if you were having such issues with rpanons/wg. we value yourself not the rp you have to give.

i'm so glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself and feel better. i hope we as a community can put this entire unfortunate episode behind us soon.

Hey Timmy! I've been thinking of you. I hope you're well and getting plenty of rest. Thank you for the kind words. I miss... this will sound silly, but I miss my life. Heh. Such is having a diseased brain. It's time I took responsibility for it and really focused on my healing instead of slapping bandaids on everything.

But I appreciate that. I've had a lot of folks remind me of my own value and it's been ... helpful. Thank you, again.

goodluckmodes: me too, batty. Miss you. Hope you're doing well. thank you for the well wishes. someday hopefully this will just be ... nonsense, lost in the wind, and I'll be in a healthier, more stable place.

i've missed you too. hmu on disco anytime if you wanna chat!

Yeah, of course!

No shame in missing it but it's not gone forever. Focus on getting better and I think things will work out fine

sending you love and support and I hope your care team kicks ass for you

Maybe I should finagle you into letting me read BSD beast w you

Take care, okay Em? We’re still friends, and I hope to still keep in touch... might send you a request on discord, since it seems I’ve not done that.

timmtams: yeah. Thank you for acknowledging that. It's been ... harder than I expected, haha. But! I'm doing everything I can to work on it and get better. Thank you so much, Timmy! I'll do my best

oh man i would love to talk bsd beast together sometime that would be super fun

OddEyes: I would love that! Thank you, Odd. I appreciate it, and you.

goodluckmodes: I would like that too.

sent you a req on discord so feel free to message anytime things will get better!!

i hope all the doctor stuff gets sorted and it helps! all the best wishes, your transparency helped a lot i think. those of us who have known you for a long time i imagine know better than to assume ill intents, but yeah... really unfortunate situation as a whole.

effervescible: hey! I've been thinking about you. Ywanna, I dunno, just hang out soon? If you're down? Shoot me a text or smn? Long as you're comfortable with it.

i can dm u links if u would like them sometime!!!

but no rush at all

yeah my schedule will be less AHHHH soon conveniently

fontech: unfortunate sure is a word for it. I will not get into what things have been like for me personally since the third, because frankly this [gestures above] is not about me. Suffice to say it's been a lot and I'm working on it. Thank you, Akai. Appreciate you sticking around, after all these MANY, MANY years

ceesawaseesaw: thank you, cee. I adore you w all of my heart.

zearthling: wanna come back to this. Mads, thank you. You've also known me for a geologic age and I just ... I don't know what to say. I'm speechlessly grateful for your take on the situation. You're exactly correct about what happened, and about what everyone witnessed.

Thank you. For your kind words, for being here. It means a lot.

i think initially i was very "wow bad move on whoever that is" bc it did not click as being you. i didnt know the journal and surely you would not have done this!! must be some other empip.
hang in there tho, it surely can and will get better

Req sent, hit me up anytime

Wow. This was... a lot to read. But thank you very much for sharing and being so open. I... honestly do not know what else to say. I am here if you need to talk, to vent, or just for distraction. I am glad you are making steps to get you back to where you want to be, aside from all this drama. I hope things get better for you, and as others have said...

i love u too!! i don't have much to add that hasn't already been said but fr, always happy to chat

you are welcome back on my timeline as well for you even if we never RP. (Though I will always want RP)

fontech: I sometimes still feel that way. Looking at the screenshot still astounds me. It's ... hard to describe. It's really like looking at someone else. The disembodiment of it is crazier than I know how to explain. Again, not to say this wasn't my fault. But the cognitive dissonance is CRAZY.

ChickletLARP: thank you so much. That's really, really kind.

You know I'm always in your corner, Emu ❤️

I'm so so proud of you

I wanted to be transparent. I know it's a lot to share. But folks had a lot of questions, and I thought this was the best way to address everything, all at once, as clearly as I possibly could.

DrFishbone: thank you, dude. so much. love you.

I love you too always have always will

effervescible: rad! my brain is full of holes but I'll try to shoot you a text soon

And ... thank you, again, everyone, for your kindness and encouragement. Thank you for listening to me, and being willing to listen to me. I'm very aware that's no small thing. Everyone who is in here had to make a choice to decide if what I've said here has value. However you may feel about it, in the end... thank you for reading it. For listening to me.

I love you, all of you.

take care of yourself

lastbastion: thank you, Hannah

Love you too, friend

smooches ur forehead I'm proud of you for taking steps to own up to your mistakes and rectifying it. meds going wackadoodle is no joke but I'm glad you're on the path to straightening it back out.

Thank you for being so open about everything. It all sounds like a really rough time, so talking about it can't be easy either. I haven't known you for too long yet, but I really hope the steps you're taking lead you to a healthier place. I'm rooting for you!

I love you, take care of yourself

Meowzy: baranohanabira: I love you both, too. A lot. Like a lot a lot.

Nae, I owe you, like, a reply, it just made me bawl buckets of happy tears so I've been trying to collect myself for it lol but in the interim thank you. I can't. It meant a lot to me.

NO, you don't owe a reply but you can reply whenever you are ready if you want to! I just wanted to write it I'm glad to hear that though, I wanted to write it uh... ever since this started but words are hard sometimes, i'm glad this plurk gave me even more reasons and stuff into it though, and also the kick to write/send it. You're welcome

never ever any rush to anything with me, okay

And bumps this one last time.

This will be the end of public plurks from me for a while! I dunno when I'll be back, but I will be. I'm, like, debating making a plurk clique for anyone who wants updates on how I'm doing/my progress, I'll see how I feel next week.

I can't reread this or I'll start crying lol. I love you all very much. Take care guys!

goodluckmodes: (hey batty add me on discord u nerd)

omg what is discord's deal i have added you like, twice.

explain yourself, discord.

SPITS

Fjfjdh lemme also go check and see if it's decided to behave

OK WERE GOOD LMAO

If anyone else wants my disco it's @ skywardlii! smooches all your faces

ahhh i actually missed this at the time of when this all came out but anyways I appreciate how open / accountable you've been with all this especially with how this stems from being very personal / mh related but i'm glad you're taking the steps you need on getting better. we haven't known each other for long but I'm wishing you all the best

galactic: hey, K! It's good to see you. I really appreciate it, thank you! I think it's gonna be good. I don't think I've ever really... taken the time or space in my life, before, to specifically look after myself in this way. It feels very strange. It'll be good for me, tho. I'm feeling ... not excited. Encouraged, at least.

In no small part due to everyone's incredibly kind and understanding support, too.

I'll be well, and I'll see you all again soon!