f your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky… & I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? — ‘Hold my purse.’

You laugh because I’m different… I laugh cause I just farted!

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep – not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

That is all.

"f your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way" Haha.