Bluhhh, I need to go back to school. But I can't go back to school yet because I need to pay off my last round of school, and I can't even do that because I can't get an effing job.

And anyway I don't really know what I want to do. I seriously don't. I like math, but I kind of think physics was a mistake. I didn't know what I was doing half the time.

I think that's part of why I burned out. But I still don't really know.

Honestly, what really frustrates me about what happened is the fact that I burned out in my senior year. Well, it started in junior, honestly. But still.

Maybe CS, maybe Linguistics. I liked linguistics, but continuing in lingusitics is probably going to involve more getting speech samples.

Which is awkward as hell and I really have no idea how to go about it. People have to have pretty heavy accents before I take much notice of them, anyway.

For instance, I cannot hear the difference between an East Coast accent and a Midwestern accent. Not on casual inspection, anyway.

Whatever I end up going back to school for, I think I'm going to need to find an IRL RP group, too, because honestly that's about the only IRL social interaction I ever get anyway.

I didn't even really have friends until I went to college and started RPing there. I made most of my friends in LARP.

But seriously, I don't know what I want to do, or what I want to do with it. I am useless at setting goals that are in any way abstract, really I am.

I can do "have to write this paper by Monday". I can do "find a way to seal off a portal to hell". I can't do "what can I improve about myself" or "what do I want to do with my life".

I like science, but lab work makes me irritable and lab reports bore me to tears. I like reading, but I don't much like analyzing it in any sense anybody else would want to read about.

I know I don't have the patience for teaching.

I'm basically still at the "every kid wants to be an astronaut paleontologist" phase, except that I'm not and probably won't ever be in the physical shape to be an astronaut and paleontology happens outside.

In the heat and the cold and the wet and the bugs and the wind.

I liked CS and linguistics, apart from the aforementioned speech sample thing. Maybe I should've switched over to a CS major when I had the chance, really. That's probably what I"ll do when I go back to school.

I still don't know what I want to do with it. I don't have an end goal in mind. My brain doesn't wrap around it, any more than it does around the concept of mortality in any immediate sense.

In closing: bluuuuhhhhh. Having a life is hard.

I may just go downstairs and whinge at my parents about this now. THis is partly a product of my mom's three-hour phone conversation with her sister about my sister.

Who basically managed to get her whole life together when she found something she wanted to do, which occurred at roughly the same rate my life fell apart.