Maybe I'm too lazy. Or my moods are too malleable. Or I just don't care enough.

Grudges gonna grudge.

But.. being angry with someone years later for something that, in the grand scheme of things, didn't really matter? Isn't it exhausting?

my husband continually checks in with me about stuff, like "so two weeks ago when i did [mildly inconsiderate thing]...are you still mad?"

and i'm like dude i had literally forgotten that happened until you brought it up

Oh, that kind of grudge is absolutely exhausting.

But, say, when someone's done something that's really hurt you or someone close to you? I think that's justified.

(Don't get me wrong, I understand not liking people who you don't like and that's cool, though I've always learned to just be polite when you're around them. I also understand hating people for like legit-

(I better, I have a couple of those.)

ultimate betrayals and the like and fully support that. I don't consider that the same as a grudge. That's more a character judgment. Sure. But grudges.)

Yeah, straight up "this person snubbed me once" grudges are just. ]

My mom has one against the electrician who broke an appointment with us around Christmas, and as a result the light in the kitchen is still broken

idk though. Even the "super hurt someone I care about" thing kind of depends on the friend and what the person did.

mostly i just cut those people out of my life

because being mad is exhausting

^ that also

Right but if you share work / friends / internet circles.

i am really good at pretending people don't exist/minimal politeness when that fails

At that point, either avoid that person or just politely interact with them as little as possible.

I support avoidance within those situations. Gotta do what you gotta do. But I've had friends ~uninvite~ people from parties and shit.

Ugh, uninviting. So high school.

i'm holding one against u rn

Like "X friend's brother is not allowed in our house anymore because he is now dating the girl that Y friend was interested in"

muttonchops: that's totes legit I'm basically a life ruiner

my social circle collectively kicked out a couple who kept making these awful "we don't support the ~gay lifestyle~" comments

Here's a question for you guys though

Someone hurts you pretty bad, but nothing life ruining or anything that super affected your overall life, short of hurting you. YEARS LATER, they try to reconnect. Give them a shot or tell them to f off?

I differ from a lot of people on that, I think. Because I'll almost always give them a shot.

okay, so, what would you get out of reconnecting?

oh, this is a hypothetical?

Unless I know they're still assholes.

Yeah

if it was a circumstance thing rather than a revealing-true-colors one, i probably would

but if it wasn't working out i wouldn't put much effort into it

Revealing-true-colors sounds super dramatic, haha

See, I agree with this in principle, but... there was someone who betrayed me badly enough to fuck my life up in a very persistent way, so I do feel justified holding a grudge there.

I'm talking like.. you have a friend. They're good sometimes, shit other times. Become more shit. It ends badly. Not like abusive or stealing or anything super dramatic, just being inconsiderate or flakey or

a bit of an asshole or whatever.

I think it mostly depends on whether the person shows any remorse?

i'm okay with having different levels of friends

I guess I always assume people change across years?

some people are small-dose friends

doesn't have to be anything wrong with either of us

Amaraq: Like I said, I think fuck ups like that are more character judgments than grudges, so I get those.

just that's how it works

(for the record, this plurk was spurred by a conversation I had with someone a couple days ago and is not related to anyone here or anything)

Ah. Well then yes. holding grudges over mistakes or minor things is just exhausting.

I guess I'm trying to address the gray area in between.

More than a single mistake or minor sleight, less than a life ruining altercation.

New hypothetical. Say you know a guy who's a friend of a friend and he's a dick so you never become friends whatever. Years later, you bump into each other super briefly and then he wants to hang out.

Do you judge him by his dickish nature from ages past or give him a chance to show he's changed?

That's not really a grudge, haha.

I'm just thinking aloud at this point.

I just think so many people get caught up on "that one time" or "well they're an asshole because I sort of knew them to be one years ago"

But, tbh, I'm also mostly forgiving of people who have been horrendous, so idk.

I've never really had anyone ultimately betray me or ruin my life, but of course friends have and I think they're legit.

Hm. In that scenario, for me, it would kind of depend on my 'first' impression of the guy.

If he reads as dickish, I'd rather not take the chance. it's no skin off anyone's back.

But if he seems genuinely friendly, then yeah, I might give it another shot. I'd be wary for a while though.

What if it was online or something where you couldn't really get a read?

... I'd err on the side of caution? I'm generally a pretty cautious person, so. As long as I'm not actively hurting anyone, I'd probably be all politely 'thanks but no thanks.'