according to my grandmother, everyone in my immediate family (except me of course) is an idiot. why she would tell me this is baffling, but she did. and you know why?

because my dad likes to watch football and my mom likes to watch talent shows like x factor and america's got talent

but grandma is ever so superior, you see, because she watches ~educational~ television about some dude who can trace his ancestry back to ancient china

and in a moment of absolute brilliance, i said to her, point blank, "it might be educational, but it's not like you can do anything with that knowledge" oops

but she's also telling everyone she knows that we don't let her watch tv (obvious lies, given the previous story) and that when she asks we tell her she can watch later but never let her

and we also turn off the heat at night and she's so very cold and we're so cruel to her to turn off the heat. we don't turn off the fucking heat. we live in chicago you don't turn off the fucking heat here

that's how you break fucking pipes

we've asked her on MULTIPLE occasions if she's warm enough at night and if she wants more blankets, including an electric blanket, and she always says no

this is me quitting life. i'm tendering my resignation and going to raise dragons

my personal favorite was her story about this coat that she supposedly bought for $1000. when i said that was insane who the fuck pays $1000 for a coat, she went on and on about sales and coupons

but the next time she mentioned the coat? it was a gift. the time after that? she found it at target. woman, make up your fucking mind

/trusts nothing that comes out of her grandmother's mouth