I mean, for sure, I probably wouldn't fuck a dude who didn't have books in his house, but Dwarf Fortress?

If he doesn't have an embarrassing hat and a ponytail, then don't touch his bone.

Ah yes, the lost love art of minecraft. So rare these days.

I don't think dwarf fortress is the only thing that kind of ruined this piece of gold.

I am well versed in the erotic art of minecraft. Here is a giant sprite thing of tits.

Contraption: Absolutely not, but that's the point where I laughed out loud.

tipping intensifies

Color me wooed.

Admiring my collection of alphabetized novelizations of major motion pictures, m'lady?

"You know, Dostoevsky once said 'Is it not possible to eat me without insisting that I sing praises of my devourer?' I could show you just how possible it is, m'lady."

International edition:

NorahVespers: Resplendent!

Oh my god matezone

"M'lady, I thought it best that I inform you that it's actually about ethics in games journalism. Now, would you like to accompany me to the nearest Olive Garden?"

My sides just rocketeered off into orbit

This plurk is almost as euphoric as I am in my current state.

You both have performed admirably, but I have clearly prevailed in this battle of wits. I shall tell my serious girlfriend Rainbow Dash about this epic victory, in a conversation peppered with le epic memes.

Sweet baby jesus mother and mary.

I am now legitimately terrified of becoming neckbeard Serpico here.

Burning a picture of Richard Dawkins to detox.

Where did I leave my brahprod again? (it's like a cattle prod but I only use it on guys who say 'brah' like it's an actual word)

I haven't even managed to crawl out of bed yet, but I already know nothing will top this plurk today.

So you can't touch him unless he's insufferably boring?

I don't express myself through music or painting. I better start covering Italian disco hits to win the m'ladies

Probably the saddest part is this guy's appropriating a John Waters line AND rendering it toothless.

Oh my god, it was so buried in awful neckbeard bullshit that I didn't even recognize that.

zassy: This was the first thing that I saw on my phone this morning, and it made me very happy.

Grixdale: May I offer you my companionship in your time of heartbreak, m'lady?

Ah, stuck in the friendzone again.

the only thing on this list that would bother me is if he didn't read or have books in his house. If he enjoyed opera, art galleries, and paints (things I don't do) we may not be compatible.

and if he regularly quotes Chaucer and Dostoevsky he might be a pretentious douche, and any guy who can do all these things is trying way too damn hard

it sort of gradually degenerates as it goes on. you start out thinking "oh, yeah, probably" and then the side eye starts creeping in until it ends up being hilariously specific.

Can we also talk about how gross the use of the word "females" is there?

It's always weird to me to notice I could probably do a better job picking up ladies than these guys, and I'm not even INTERESTED in ladies.

Well, part of growing up as a heterosexual man, for many people, is learning that women are strange, reverse-talking others, if not simply sex objects.

I can't find that "Is everything about feminism with you?" comic, but I think I just became it.

Saying "females" as a form of greeting basically loses the conversation.

They should just be honest & type "Vaginas of the World" at the start.

I don't even care about the books thing

he might live in a studio and have a kindle

you can also own books and never read them

i.e. literally every person who has War and Peace on a shelf in a high traffic part of their home

You know, that's fair. But I'll admit that I would want to have a partner who enjoys reading, mostly because I'd want to share the stuff I liked.

I think I just want a two-person book club where the members occasionally have sex.

Yeah, I mean being well read is important for me too, but I give zero shits about the format in which you read haha

Yep. I was really just asserting that reading had to take place, and "book" is an easy shorthand for it.

you can usually tell how much someone reads by what books they bring up

if the guy mentions Fight Club or anything Ayn Rand, he's a douche

if he brings up something in the high school literary canon, he probably hasn't touched a book since then

I guess this can apply to women too, but the Fight Club thing is pretty male specific

Ugh, seriously. I just hate that I've had discussions with guys about Fight Club, and they just took my interpretation as "naw, that's not what it's about." You honestly have to conform to the first rule.

I love asking these douches what post-rock is and then quoting the last person who gave me an answer. It's kind of like, well, ethics in game journalism, really.

I will admit that I had no idea post-rock was a neckbeard cliche.

It is not as much of one as a lot of things- but same goes for reading Shakespeare or Chaucer or Dostoievski.

Yeah, I just took that as "quoting people widely considered smart".

hahaha

look how ~deep~ i am, everybody

supes deeps (super deep)

Savages in this town.

nathpev: ah, but see, not being interested in picking up the ladies (and fucking them) is a big part of WHY you can do a better job. your entire approach is not based on "how can i sex this?"

you, gasp, might treat them like _actual people_, what utter heresy

... I have just realized that Cyrano de Bergerac could be updated beautifully.

TillHapmouche: yeah, but then he does a quite snazzy dance number on the table, and it's an insult to suggest his straw hat is a fedora, he's a much less horrible being.