also... I can't figure out where to change my name color...

I am the worst at this

Click on the user name in your upper right hand corner, and choose profile settings

^ this

that's how far I got!

I don't see anything about color

The go to here

maybe my karma isn't high enough or something

oh, yeah, I don't have that

Then maybe your karma isn't high enough

I need to level up!

You can do it!

We believe in you!

I don't have the emotes to express my current game-face

that's the closest I have so far

which is generally how I feel about having so many friends here already ;;;

yeah, i think you have to have high karma

hey babe

i like this timeline's background

We're here for you!

that's all stick

I have her pick me backgrounds and stuff always

SO OKAY I was going to save a serious for-real plurk for later... but after laying down for a bit, I don't feel better at all

and this is supposed to be my productive day and I am just gettting nothing done except for a couple tags here and there

and I know hormones are really making this all worse right now but knowing that doesn't really help

I've been feeling psychologically/emotionally/whateverly not great for a little while... but I think my sister recently kind of haranguing me about saving up so I can take a trip back home has kind of

pushed me over the edge of feeling kind of okay

uggghhhh

for those who don't know me very well, I left chicago two years ago to move my whole life to seattle to be with my (gasp) girlfriend

and by left chicago... I mean left a 12-year-long relationship with a guy, left my house, my dogs, everything

I'd only come out to my sister and mother at the time, and it took my mom a year to be kind of okay with it

I only came out to my brother a month or two ago

I still haven't officially to my dad, even though I know he knows

and I don't think the rest of my extended family knows anything. though, who knows what they've guessed by now

--and also, I don't really mean that I left to be with my girlfriend. that sounds terrible.

I broke up with my boyfriend because I finally couldnt take pretending to be straight anymore, and moved in with my best friend for six months or so, living out of her back room

and it was during that time that I acquired said girlfriend and made arrangements to move

BUT YEAH SO it's kind of a big deal for me??

I haven't been back there at all, aside from a flying in for a few hours to get in a truck with my mom and help her move down to florida (which she has since moved back from)

I'm still really torn up over the thought of going back, especially when a large portion of my family don't even know why I left

it is a big deal for me. and it's a lot of money.

and my sister was getting on me about how "it's only a big deal if I make it a big deal."

and how I only need to see people if I want to see people

and how it's just spending a couple nights with my family, and making my mom happy, which should be more important

WHICH IS ALL VERY TRUE. I really can't argue her on any of these points.

I'm assuming the "only need to see people if you want to" rule doesn't apply if you don't want to see her or your mom, huh?

the whole reason Im going is to see my mom

and it has to be on my birthday

Okay. Wasn't sure if this was a trip you wanted to make in the first place or not

and I do want to see my mom. that's the easy part. we got along great in florida and I miss her

but there's still my whole family. and my dad. and all my friends. and steve.

and I DON'T want to travel alone. I don't want to spend my birthday in an overwhelming place, apart from my girlfriend

/wanders into this plurk, takes a seat

so she would be coming wi-- oh hello dear

oh that flower is lovely thank you

so..... yeah.

I'm just freaking out a little bit

and it's for lots of different reasons

I just....a aaughgh

think Im going to be planning for a trip to chicago for my birthday and I dont feel ready

but when am I ever going to feel ready, really

That's probably the hardest part...until you go with Stick and see how it goes, you're going to worry about it

I will say that Kari is 100% wrong about this not being a big deal. True, it might go amazingly smooth, and I really hope it does

But that doesn't change the fact that it's a big milestone

and uncertain waters with people who have not always been the best when it comes to adapting to change.

So yes. Big deal. Important. But they love you. That is also 100% true. Rough or smooth, that won't change

Also...money 100% sucks. I'm sorry.

I will say that you and Stick are welcome to escape down my way for a bit if it gets to be too much, but coming to Indiana would probably only add to the torture.

Because...Indiana

you are gonna go with stick?

i mean... are you solidly thinking you will go?

I'd rather go with you then stay here alone!

I think that's good! It might be fun, and you guys are solidly in each others' corners. You can bail each o ther out if things get sticky.

a family meeting gets uncomfortable? oh stick has a huge migraine, we have to go and get her tucked in!

i think if you DO go, if you need to bail out of certain meetings, or keep them brief, or very channeled, or bow out at the last moment...

that's very justifiable.

idk. some of your family members are probably also not straight. some of them would probably be on your side if they knew. some of them would probably react poorly if you came out and it shocked them, and

then maybe reconsider.

but... i'd rather see you as safe as possible and as comfortable as possible through this whole thing.

it's not your job to educate them or to be That Queer Relative that they can point to, to justify to other people that they're not homophobic

it's your job to take care of you and yours.

so what's some of the stuff you're worried about, Red?

I mean obviously there's the "wow it's gonna be REALLY AWKWARD" worry, and the "ugh that's maybe not how I want to spend my birthday" worry

gimme some other ones

I also offer myself as an excuse if you need an out. Just text me and I'll find a way to get up there and be a reason you have to leave and go to...idk...Denny's

also... would you and stick get a rental car? that might be a good out. "oh, sorry, we've gotta run, we got tickets for this movie / i want to show stick the (location) / we're off to see (person)"

also, your sister doesn't know how you feel. she isn't you. i don't think it's fair for her to do that "it's only a big deal if you make it one!" deal

oh holy crap there are responses gfdhjk

let me go back and read here

yeah right now it's mostly me be annoyed at Kari, even though I know her heart is in the right place

she's trying to do right by my mom

but she can be so bullying with things

and as far as dreading the actual trip and not feeling ready

it's going to be exhausting and ridiculously stressful, regardless of how it goes

I'm not looking forward to wall-to-wall anxiety

I'd say just make sure to plan in a few escapes and know that you can use them whenever you need to

being in that place, and then making sure to put on my best face, talk to everyone, update them on everything while proving how well I'm doing and how happy I am now

because they all want to know. they're all so curious for caring or snoopy or morbidly fascinated reasons

There's no getting rid of the stress, but maybe we can help lower it a little

and also wanting to see everyone and getting everything done at once since I dont know when Ill be back

and then there's the whole STEVE issue which is an entire other giant can of worms

You know you don't have to see him, bb.

and yeah, I'd need a whole battleplan for the trip to make it managable

More important question. Do you WANT to see him?

mom has a guest room, she'll want me to stay over

I dont know????

that is such a huge tangle

idek

at most, I'd say maybe get coffee. For an hour

And then be elsewhere

yeah

but Id still need to plan ahead of time what I want to 'accomplish' with that

don't feel obligated to do it, and don't put yourself in a place where you can't leave as soon as you need to

because Ill only have an hour or whatever

Maybe don't try to "accomplish" anything face to face?

I feel like I need to get SOME kind of closure, because Im still totally obsessing about things. it's still bothering me every single day

I mean, unless you ask him to bring specific stuff with him when you meet.

and as soon as it starts to get better, I have huge dreams about it instead and it brings it all back up

I'm sorry, hon

so even my subconscious is caught on it

so Ive gotta decide ahead of time if I want to get something off my chest, or just be civil and friendly, or have it be an ending, or have it be sort of a confidence boost like

hey look how awesome I am now

like I need so settle on what I "want" from seeing him again

*need to

so that's it's own big separate thing

so yeah.... even at the best, this will be hugely stressful, even if it turns out fun and awesome

because it's hitting every single social (and whatever else) anxiety I have

and aaugh I want stick there, but there's also the whole

doublechecking everything I say and do, running through a filter of wondering how this is making everyone else feel

because I don't want to freak my mom and brother out

but I still want them to see that I'm happy

AAAAUGH it's just complicated and terrifying

and it's so aggravating that Kari is like... getting on me about it being no big deal

this is a recurring theme with her

many times she's either been like "jeez there's nothing to worry about" or "whatever stop caring about what other people think"

which are both good thoughts in general??

but... I had very legitimate reasons to be worried, I think

mom wasn't okay about anything until a year after of my being gone, and talking to her for 30 hours on a drive down to florida. and even then, it's only a "I'll try to be okay with this"

and everyone, my brother included, agrees that it wouldn't have been good if I'd waited less than a year and a half to talk to him

my mom tearfully begged me not to come out to my family back when I was bi in college, for goodness sakes

because it might kill my sick uncle

ugh I jus

would like some understanding or acknowledgement, I guess

valifation

validation

whatever

That's pretty reasonable. The sad and ugly fact is it probably won't be that simple with everyone. Just... You do have people in your corner and some of your family will stick w you

It's totally reasonable to feel stressed by this. It IS a big deal.

It's just... A process. Everything won't be solved in one visit.

Maybe you can feel it out with this visit though. Who'll be your ally in this family group?

You have a lot of ppl in your family and I feel like you will find so
E allies.