GUESS ILL TRY OUT THIS FEELINGS PLURK ugh

man I can't believe how effortlessly that got to me. the video hadn't even gone anywhere

....guess that means this is probably a touchy topic with me right now, huh.

that what you're trying to tell me, brain.

that... makes sense...

ugh. it's been a half hour and Im still goin

I really like being able to hide in seattle, I think

Im afraid of everything outside of it

all my problems are out there and I dont like being reminded of them I guess

red :<

it's ok to NOT come out, you know? it's ok to do it but it's fine to not be ready yet.

yeah... but I don't know if I'd actually ever feel 'ready'

and part of me feels like there would be this big weight lifted off my shoulders

I hate hiding

I hate having to screen what I say and do

even if you don't feel ready, if you want to come out, that'd also be okay.

doing it via e-mail would be okay.

yeah... I think email is probably how I'd go

as least for my uncle, since there might be an explosion

maybe outing myself to my dad can be his father's day present ha ha ha :|

I think that's good. You can even recycle the same e-mail, if family members explode they'll have some time to cool d own.

I cant believe how scary this is'

have I mentioned that sometimes I forget Im gay???

oh?

because her parents and everyone here is so cool about it, no one glances twice

I forget about it

and then Ill leave seattle or think about traveling somewhere or talking to someone from home

it's

pretty scary

or Ill think about what life used to be

I mean YOU KNOW how cool my parents are, and how no one in this city cares, and how I've got no idea how bad it is in the rest of the country...

and Ill be like... wtf Im one of the gays?? when did that happen??

But I'm still, like, scared to come out to my grandparents.

gfdjhjk

it'

it's legit

My harmless, Washington grandparents. :|

The worst that they'll do is... Frown and suggest I look to God for answers or whatever, but still, the thought of being JUDGED by family is terrifying.

No one wants to be looked down on for what they're doing, especially by family you're really close to.

yeah...

It makes perfect sense why you're upset about it.

and I just remember all the times it has come up, all the things they've said, all the judging of "Other"

I was there too. I was raised in it.

you know them. you've seen how they react to it.

and so now sometimes I'll realize with this pang

It's not fair that you've got to deal with it and not know if there's going to be fallout because of it.

oh my god I'm one of them

I think I agree with Senri that... coming out to some people ahead of time might be a good way to soften the blow when you actually visit.

you might be scared and never properly ready but it might be worth it to have it all out on the table. I feel like there are probably other closeted or queer family members who will be your allies.

even if in really subtle ways...?

oh yeah there's no way that I'm going there TO come out

and I absolutely think you should come out ahead of time.

yeah there's no question about that

but if anything, that shortens my deadline to do it

which is scary

you have us on your team!

It'll be way easier if everyone clearly understands the terms of your visiting. :| To be a daughter and sister, and not the "gay (??) relative who moved away suddenly and needs to explain"

and you can SAY that.

you can say as much.

yeah........

I guess

I do want to make some terms clear

like hey Im here and Im with my girlfriend

dont ask to see me if thats going to be a problem

are you guys renting a car?

we'd have to

(thanks for not auto-updating, plurk)

you can't get around with public transportation there

good, then you can bail. you have so much implicit power if you can just leave.

WELL yeah kind of. my mom really wants me to stay at her place

I have to figure out a compromise or something

if someone wants to make it a big feelstalk of stuff you've explicitly said you're not up for, you can give them two topic changes and if they don't take a hint, you can remember there's something you have to

I dont want to stay there

go do.

yeah

luckily I think they're all probably too anti-confrontation for that

hopefully

most of them are more passive aggressive

rehearse what you're going to do mentally. you can have plans for both bouncing passive-aggression and direct confrontation.

you shouldn't have to take that shit and if you decide to push back on it it's not wrong.

the nice thing you opening communications is that... it gives them no excuse to be weird about it later...

like, if they've got a problem and don't say anything to you about it, it's on them.

if they are passive-aggressive later, that's them being horrible and not your fault at all. YOU DID YOUR BIT you opened up the floor for communication.

we got ur back

I will fight them with my little fists if I must

jkhjk

buh

and boy... the mental rehearsing is going to be happening nonstop

I know that much

its already on my mind all the time

you CAN do this. it's surmountable. you can just take it in baby steps.