[these are just emotions/feelings; while depressed I won't act on anything so no one worry about that. I'm mostly writing to vent at myself or rather work through things]

1. I hate feeling like some sort of defect sl kid. I've had ... this year alone {from sept 14 to sept 14} five? families. Given RL comes first & that's what happened with some the others just IDK I guess I suck

at picking good one's; or like I said maybe I'm defective.

2. I hate bothering people SPECIALLY when I'm parentless cuz I self analyze/critic myself and I always feel like my wanting to hang/spend time is interuptting stuff but they are to kind/nice enough to say so.

3. I hate feeling envious of families specially the great one's that I've known for years and then the whole self doubt comes into play and it's like.. why can't I get that lucky when it comes to SL families?

4. I hate this time of the year.. I miss my RL mom who's birthday is at the end of this month and - knocks on wood - every year really for the last 4? something has happened either I've been in the hospital or

I get really sick - though could be due to emotional stress - or the hubby gets sick or something along those lines and i hate it. I hate feeling depressed over someone who has been dead 15yrs. I'm sure that

seems bitchy and maybe it is but it's how I feel. I miss my mom; we were good in the end but there were years we weren't and I am not saying I don't want to NOT miss her it's just.. every year march to august

to=and but eh sometimes it's a long exposed wound that keeps getting salt rubbed in it. I just .. I think the reason i still feel so much sadness is the circumstances and the un-answered questions and they are

not things I can just call the hospital back on Omaha and find out or fly out and say hey I want her records - tried to aquire them through phone hehe nope.

All this going on with the PF worry and I hate being a worry wart it's one of the most ANNOYING features I have I think. I CONSTANTLY worry about shit little or big and being told I'm being sent to a pulmonary

cuz ADI found mild to mod-severe pulmonary scarring and said that i was diagnosed with mild PF - which IF i do surely the hospital knew cuz they've taken chest xrays since 2005 when the last time I had a chest

done at ADI {it's not the hospital dif place to do imagery} So I am sitting here thinking and worrying and stressing like - do i have PF, if so what do i need to do/change/etc. What if I don't ok good but then

i want to slap myself ... or knock myself out i hate the merry go round effect my brain has on information that could be potentially life changing and it doesn't get off til after i have the info and even then

when i DO have the info well flails I just.. meh all this crap going on at once and it's got my nerves on edge. I wonder had I not been depressed had the old mom and gpa said shit like that but at the same

time things had been fishy / weird since camp really. Yanno something maybe up when you talk to her daily on skype and or sl and yet during camp you have to IM her just to get a hi and then the dance.. well ya

as you can tell sl and rl i'm just a bundle of nerves and i'm impatient i want a fam i want to be loved and love but i'm tired of feeling like i'm the item that lost it's shine so people keep returning it ><