Most of you prolly know me as straight and cosh ended and that's how I live. Buuuut....

I do have female attractions, which I suppose would make me technically bi. I just don't embrace that side if myself for several reasons.

/looks up/ wow cosh ended wtfreak even is that, autocorrect.....

Supposed to say cis female

And I am, but there are many, many ways I don't fit the female stereotype. I've always considered myself a very 'masculine' female if one were to look at me by such stereotypea

But stereotypes are stupid so screw them. I'm a normal variation of female in my opinion. Maybe not a common variation but who cares? Boxes suck

agreed

I don't know if coming out day is really about just LGBTQ stuff or if it includes coming out about stuff you generally keep hidden?

If that's the case, I generally hide the fact that my mind turns to violence a lot. I'm pretty non violent in how I act towards others in fact in a peacemaker amongst 99% of people...

It's mostly about sexuality, but a lot of people come out as kinky or poly, so...

But yeah, latent violent tendencies are a thing.

But I have abad habit of entertaining violent thoughts. And I am a soldier, so that <1% who I consider my enemies amongst humanity are people I'm willing to kill

I'd still appreciate the fact they're living and lament that was the only way to stop them. I'd never enjoy doing such a thing. But some people need some killin'. Like ISIS

That's all I guess unless anyone has questions

Every now and then I talk about killing people, but I'd never really do it.

Oh I use fake death threats against the kinda friends who like such humor, like fellow soldiers. But the only people I'd seriously kill are enemies

And it actually takes quite a lot for me to consider someone an enemy. No one I know in the USA right now fits that description

Do you talk about killing people as a joke too or just to blow off steam against ppl who are really getting on your nerves etc?

Well, both. I use fake threats too, but that wasn't what I was talking about.

There are a few people I would legitimately like to kill if murder were legal.

And the creepy thing is, if I did kill them I probably would enjoy it.

Yikes. Anyone I know?

Oh yeah. You know both of them. You can probably guess exactly who they are.

I hope you don't mean our parents. I know they've screwed up in the past and continue to be insensitive but death is rather harsh

Well, not Mom.

And honestly, as long as Dad leaves me alone, I don't care if he lives or dies.

That probably sounds cruel, but whatever.

So dad then. That's disturbing, Hector. He's not perfect but he did provide a lot for you and he has a family of his own and does much good in the world.

I can understand feelings of resentment but again...murder? I do to think you really mean that.

Dont*

You really think the money he provided in any way makes up for the way he treated us?

I mean, maybe he wasn't as bad with you as he was with me. In your point of view I'm sure there's something about him worth saving.

But all I ever got from him was abuse and disapproval.

And honestly? I'm not sure if the good he's doing in the world negates the bad. He's still abusive.

If he can smack my kids around he's probably abusing our half-sisters.

He'd probably do it to your son too.

It probably doesn't. But neither would his death. And no, money absolutely doesn't make up for a lack of caring, but it shows he cared in some way

Some dads beat their children nearly to death, or rape them, or leave them with nothing. Dad was not an ideal dad. But he's not a death-deserving dad.

So just because he didn't kill us or rape us that makes him a good parent?

I'm not saying there aren't worse guys out there.

I just think that as long as he's alive he's a danger to himself and those around him.

I know he did bad stuff and still does but I feel like that's all you see of him. I see him pretty often over here so I probably have a more complete picture of his current self,

whereas you have a more complete picture of his past self. Cuz yeah I was too young to remember most of the bad stuff he did to you and tiff and mom

Sonnet, I can't even get a good idea of his current self because I'm not safe with him.

He refuses to even acknowledge me.

I didn't say he was a good or bad dad. I said he doesn't deserve death. He does more good than you see

Yeah, to everyone but those who need it most.

He doesn't know how to deal with you, and he probably never will. At least I know he cares wether you live or die.

No he doesn't.

I mean, ostensibly he doesn't want his child to die, but if he can't even acknowledge me as a person he's contributing to the exact kind of stress and depression that used to make me suicidal.

He only cares if I live or die because, as a parent, he would feel guilty if anything happened to me.

Not because he actually cares for my wellbeing.

Sure he does. He's just ignorant, Hector. He's not good at showing love, in act he's pretty darn bad at it sometimes. But it's there

He doesn't realize the way he a a hurts you, or if he does, he doesn't know how else to act or how to swallow his pride and stop it

But I know he cares about you. He worries about you and is concerned for you, and the kids

People are so very imperfect and ignorant of the hurt they do. He is a perfect example of that.

I'm ignorant?

Right now I'm referring to him

It isn't loving or caring if you can't accept someone as they are or treat them like a human being.

Whatever.

He's ignorant and prideful in many regards in his relationship with you. But he does feel love for you. That's all

It doesn't matter if he realizes it or not, he's still doing it.

If you care for someone you listen to them.

He doesn't.

I know. And him loving or caring doesn't excuse him from hurting you in the slightest. But a person can ignorantly hurt someone and not treat them they want to be treated while still loving them

The love is just not currently stronger than the pride or ignorance

If you use and abuse someone that isn't love.

It's just selfishness.

He only wants me the way he wants me to be. He doesn't want me for who I really am.

He doesn't give a shit about who I really am.

He is abusing you but it's ignorant, prideful, mistaken abuse. He doesn't purposely willfully want to hurt you. Why would he do that? What good would it do for him?

In fact it would be detrimental and make no sense

He derives no pleasure nor gain from your hurt. He hurts because he wants to be closer to you. But he's too prideful and ignorant to accomplish that

There's no mistake about it.

He knows what I want to be called and he refuses to do it.

He can sit around and pretend that he's not hurting me, but that's arrogance, not ignorance.

So you think he really purposely maliciously wants to hurt you. Why?

His way is the only way that matters.

Honestly, why do you think he'd want that?

Ugh, never mind. This entire conversation was a stupid idea.

No, I'm genuinely interested in why you think dad would want to purposely hurt you

I know he purposely refuses to call you 'him' etc. because he thinks he's right and he's prideful. Too prideful. He thinks to say that would be admitting he's wrong

He does it to avoid hurting himself, not because he wants to cause you pain

Apparently he can't handle being wrong even to avoid offending you. It's stupid and prideful but I don't think he does it because he actually wants to hurt you

I'm sorry, I'll quit if this is frustrating you too much. I'm just trying to help you see from another perspective I guess because I do love you

Whoa you two are siblings?

I love him too. And I hope someday I or someone else can help him understand how being kinder to you is a better goal than preserving his pride

Hi mags...yep, we are

Stop me before I start singing "It's a Small World" or something

Lol! Actually Hector is the one who introduced me to plurk and forum-style RP. I joined high seas to interact with him more

Cuz military life had me spending most of the past 8-9 years physically far away. Kinda sucks for spending time with siblings

I live much closer now though ^^ and plan to do fun stuffs with family in person

For the next <22 months anyway before the military moves us again ;_;

Gotcha XD

Pff yeah, military life is like that.

Yepers

Gotta enjoy being close to family while I can

Especially cuz they might all spread out in the future...dad's got property in another state he might move to eventually, mom wants to move too...

And my younger brother is going to college in another state so if he meets a girl there he may not settle back here in CA

sounds legit. I'm not from a military family myself, but Husby's family was Navy, and his mom comes from... I wanna say Army but now I'm having doubts >.>

so anyway. But I can see like.

how spread apart everyone is

thankfully we've got stuff now like plurk and skype and whatnot that can help keep us together over long distances

Yeah that is nice. It's also nice to be close physically though especially with those family members who aren't tech savvy lol...fortunately most of my fam is

But when we loved in NY we loved close to a lot of my hubby's family which was nice cuz about 50% of them don't do the interwebz much

oh don't get me wrong, I know it doesn't hold a candle to being close to family. But at least it's like. You can still talk face to face instead of having to send a letter that'd take weeks to get to them

XD

Yes! Absolutely