ok first off, fuck off outta here with that emote, plurk omg

anyways. gosh I haven't thought about stuff like this out loud in literal months but I feel like it should be spat out somewhere sooooo and I always binge plurk but feel fere to mute if ya not interesteddd

but pretty much I show many symptoms of stuff like bpd, avpd, and ppd (I'm kinda clingy, super sensitive/assuming, and paranoid bASICALLY god that's a bad combo) and recently it's technically BEEN BETTER

buttttttt it still manages to blindside me a lot where suddenly I'll feel extremely inadequate or I'll get hit with immense feelings of jealousy because someone talks to someone else more than me

usually when that person has known me longer/considers me closer than the other person, otherwise then it's kinda like an acceptance of yeah of course that's normal

yeah it stems from my childhood abuse in all three fields of physical, emotional, and neglectful abuse and what it's done is basically......... if you show me positive attention you just

become my favourite person and I'll get super happy whenever that person's online and get way overexcited

but if it doesn't go the other way around or doesn't feel like it, the mood crashes are TERRIBLE like holy shit

but I can't. bring it up because then I'll feel too bad and it'll feel like I'm guilting someone to give me attention and that's... fuckin stupid

I donno, I just want to be someone's favourite person

I feel like at least someone should know, whoever reads this kinda shit, because it's extremely integral to who I am and like. you may not like it but I am ill as hell and I cant take meds for it

But like 90% of my life is, I can't just TELL people or else it'd be attention-whoring or pitymongering.

im right in this boat of shitty suffering with you

ditto, but you know this fhajksdhugr

BUG ME MORE OBVIOUSLY

(no you do you i need to try bugging you more tbh)

seriously do it any time, i get super happy when either of you message me even if im distracted or tired, please do

tbh a lot of it with me is like "oh he's probably asleep" and then I suddenly remember that you sleep about as regularly as I do

you're legitimately one of my absolute favorite people to talk to loge, shiny makes fun of me for valid reasons

I was just talking to Bus the other day about how I talk to you too much so innocuous words on my phone become like

"assnut"

my slEEPING PATTERN IS SO ERRATIC I'll sometimes sleep like a normal person and sometimes it's like today (it's 3:30am right now)

I think the word in question was "about"

YEAH LFMKASHUGR

lmOAMOSNN assnut

MY PHONE CORRECTS A LOT OF THINGS TO ASSNUT NOW IT'S ALL UR FAULT

youre welcome xoxo

I think this is especially prevalent in online relationships since we can't be physically present to schedule time with one another, so it's easy for one person to jump to another if their hobbies overlap.

Which sucks, a lot, and I've felt it so many times so know that you aren't alone.

I think it's much easier to deal with if you just talk to someone else for a while too, since internet friendships tend to wax and wane between extremes.

Like with Kaia or to a lesser extent Froot there'll be times when we don't talk for a while but I know we can still be buds and chat whenever, we're just doing other things for a while.

I'll definitely hit you up more if that's cool with you! I've loved our cr developments recently too since I feel like we've always just orbited each other at a distance and I'm getting to see way more of you

lately.

And it's awesome.

HI, OFC EMILY TALKS TOO MUCH

I LOVE TALKING TO YOU HAHAHA Yeah I should but there's a stark difference between how I get along with my online friends and my real life friends, sometimes I just pine and die to talk to the online ones

If I'm gonna be totally honest though it's gotten so much better because in the time I was gone from mafia my chat group decreased like... I literally talked to one person and was their sole emotional crutch

Which was. I LOVE THEM BUT GOD IT WAS STRESSFUL so I really love the mafia family, you've all made me so much happier in recent months

That's fantastic to read! I agree; things were fragmented for a while but it's getting way better right now.