As requested this afternoon by ventose, today I have a Norse myth for you.

Known as That One Time Freyr Was An Idiotic Drama Queen.

So, our lovely Freyr, golden lord of elves and sun and fruitfulness and peace, went to Hlidskjálf. And he was looking out his window thinking, "Gosh, we have great weather," when he saw something.

Or, rather, someone.

She was Gerðr, a lovely giantess. And he was smitten on the spot.

Apparently, he digs big, strong women who can handle a fertility god.

Lovestruck, the normally cheerful Freyr became all emo and moody writing terrible poetry and refusing to eat or sleep or anything else but be all pretty and broody. 'Cause chicks dig that.

After a period of driving everyone around him bonkers, he finally agreed to talk to his footman, Skírnir, who was all, "Dude, what is your problem?"

And Freyr explained that he was in love and feared he might die if he couldn't have her. But of course, he couldn't bring himself to do something reasonable like, IDK, talk to her with his winning personality.

So, he's all, "Hey, Skírnir, do a bro a solid? Be my wingman? Go talk me up to her? Y'know, woo her for me?"

And Skírnir shrugged and was all, "Yeah, sure, no prob, dude. But can you lend me your sword? The one that fights by itself? You might like big girls, but I don't wanna get squished if this goes badly."

And Freyr's all, "Sure, whatever you need, man. Just do this for me, and I will owe you big time forever. You will totally be best man at my wedding to her."

So, Skírnir takes the sword and a horse and heads off to meet Gerðr and tell her all about how awesome a dude Freyr is and that she should totally hook up with him.

And he gets to her dad's house, and finds it guarded by fierce hounds and a wall of fire and he's like, "Damn, now what?" And he sees a herder nearby and asks him how to get inside.

The herder laughs, going, "You got a deathwish, buddy? You're not getting in there, like, ever. Her dad is never going to talk to you and let you do this."

Meanwhile, Gerðr overhears the guys talking and comes out, asking what's going on, and Skírnir tells her he comes for Freyr, and offers her a gold arm ring and some of Idun's golden apples.

Gerðr is not impressed.

She's all, "Wait, so he just sent you with some shiny stuff and thought that would work? No way, he can't just buy me."

So, then Skírnir starts threatening her, saying he'll cut her head off with the sword. Because that is a surefire way to charm a lady, right?

Once again, Gerðr is not impressed.

She's just, "Bitch, please, I can break you and the sword like twigs. Yawn."

So, then, he starts using magic against her, and as if that's not enough, he starts to curse her.

Saying things like, "I forbid you pleasure from any man. You'll live always amongst three-headed giants and never have sex EVER, and die a virgin."

" Hrimgrimnir is the giant that will enjoy you in the gloom near Hel's gates. Foul corpses will give you only goat's piss to drink. And that's all you deserve."

...apparently, this actually works, and she agrees, despite all the coercion.

honestly i think skirnir is disappointed. p. sure he was trying to set his b freyr up to fal for the hilarity

Yeah, but then he'd just be more insufferable

seeing freyr's face squashed in by the chick he digs tho? WORTH IT

So, it's determined that she will come to Asgard as a bride for Freyr, and she promises to meet him first in a place called Barri in the woods nine nights from then.

Skírnir then goes to tell Freyr the good news, and Freyr's all, "I have to wait nine more nights?? One day is bad enough and two worse, how will I ever live through nine?"

And Skírnir is all, "Dude, shut up. She said yes. That's a good thing. Now stop moping and turn off your Evanescence playlist."

But, the kicker in all this is that Freyr forgets to ask for his sword back. And Skírnir ends up losing it.

And that's... bad.

Because without his sword, Freyr is destined to be unable to defeat the fire giant Surt at Ragnarok and things will just be that much more awful.

All because he had to be a stupid emo drama queen mooning over a girl.

The end~

I love how Norse names sometimes look like key smashes

Makes them fun to type

XD

Wait

so that sword is just.... floating around somewhere in the nether?

No one knows where the sword ended up.

Just that he gave it to Skírnir and nobody's seen it since.

pft