so I don't talk about it a WHOLE lot, but I have a friend who's super important to me that I've known for six years. they're a mentally ill, nb gay minor (currently 17). and they're constantly suicidal.

the one year I stopped playing mafia, it was partially due to my own mental health + college applications + being busy as fucking shit, but also, I spent a lot of time dedicating my attention to this person.

I care about them a lot. they've had multiple supposed suicide attempts in the past, and I've had to stay up late to give them company multiple times, and I'm generally okay with it.

they're my friend, they may have dpd and I might be their dependent, but that didn't feel like a burden or whatever, they were my friend and I was happy to help them have the will to stay alive

but as of recent it's just been so. increasingly bullshit that I'm just...

I understand you're mentally ill.

I understand you have a tendency to perceive the world differently due to your mental illnesses.

But I don't... think they have a concept of taking a step back and deeply considering everything and just go "this is a bad thing and it Sorta sounds like me so it's me".

So they've literally ID'd as like, half the personality disorders, schizophrenia, schizophreniform, psychosis, and DID all in like, the same year? And I was just. Okay.

I kind of don't believe you but okay, because you're my friend, I don't think you'd lie to me, so I'll trust you.

This was like... it's gotta be about two years ago or something? And back then it was just everywhere, but nowadays, it's barely even mentioned. Back then there were SO many DID disorder incidents

DURING WHICH, supposedly, the host changed (so if A is my friend's name as I've known them, the "main body"s name, and B is an altar, B's personality becomes the "host" and A becomes an alter)

SO TECHNICALLY the body shouldn't even BE my friend's anymore AND YET they've retained perfect control of said body and hasn't DID-split like, AT ALL in the past over-a-year

And I already had suspicions back then that they didn't REALLY actually have DID, and it just convinces me more and more and I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE "oh, you totally don't have this mental illness"

But it just gets so hard to believe. And they DO use copying as a coping mechanism, and probable pitymongering (bad word to use, but basically, bad symptoms/illnesses = people have to be more sorry

and therefore give them more attention), and two people they were hanging around with at that time? Also had, or at the very least, said they had DID.

Plus they haven't mentioned a single thing about "hallucinations" in over a year either, even though the rate at which they've been threatening suicide has been increasing.

I had to quit twitter and act like I forgot the password because I just couldn't fucking deal with waking up every day to "i want to kms" "wheres my razor" "im bleeding lol" "I WANT TO DIE" etc etc

Because I couldn't have a twitter and NOT follow them or they'd take it as me hating them, and if I kept one secretly and it got out, they'd also think I hated them for having one but not telling them

They're severely starving for positive attention all the time and I understand that. It's okay. They're my friend, I love them to bits, and I give them attention not because I have to but because we're friends

But recently it's been so fucking tiring, because I'm gradually getting the feeling that they've just started to use me as an emotional support and maybe taking me for granted??

Whenever they run into an issue with parents or school, I do my best to give advice. When they tell me they're bleeding, I tell them exact steps on how to treat it so it doesn't get worse.

I encourage them when they have tests to do, I really try to do everything, but whenever I have an issue, it's always the same response, which is "SENDS LOVE!!!!"

Which is cute and I really appreciated it a lot at first, but recently I've realised, no matter what my problem is, their response is ALWAYS that.

I'm like "lol idk if I did well on my test", it's that response. "I feel like shit", it's that response. "lmao my mom's yelling at me and I'm crying", it's that response.

I just got hit with the need to like... spew all of this out because they posted an online suicide announcement two days ago.

It basically just reads "I'm giving up, I'm going to OD."

WHICH IS LIKE... when I first saw it, I had my usual sinking feeling in the stomach, which at this point isn't even NEW. They've made solid declarations to kill themselves like 7 times already within the past

year, on top of other declarations that were like "I'm going to kill myself on New Years." "I've planned out my suicide date, it's January 19th." "I'm going to kms on my birthday."

An unfortunate part of it is that they SAY they're going to kms so much but don't end up actually doing it that I'm starting to form a blasé reaction to it and that's also really fucking scary.

But anyway, they announced suicide two days ago. There's zero response/activity from them in the telegram chat.

BUT.

THEIR FLIGHT RISING DRAGONS ARE STILL FED, TWO DAYS LATER.

THEY REBLOGGED A TUMBLR POST TODAY, TAGGED "QUEUE", BUT THAT POST WAS MADE 5 HOURS AGO.

It CAN'T be queue'd, because if it was a queue'd post, it would've been from at LEAST 2 days ago.

And I fucking checked. The original poster, the original post, to see if it was a reblog on the OP's blog. It's not. It was legitimately posted fucking five hours ago.

Which means they're lying to me about suicide and PRETENDING TO BE DEAD. And having known them for so long and walked through their darkest times with them?

They're fucking doing it as a test.

To see who really cares, to see who would be affected by their death.

And I'm. Really. Fucking angry and upset about it.

I've known them for SIX YEARS and spent literal HOURS comforting them and letting them know I for sure didn't hate them and that I love them for who they are, and urging them to make wiser decisions that aren't

self-harmful or harmful to others and basically just try to make their life better for them and they. Still. Fucking. Chose to do this to me.

I am never angry at people I would consider friends, and I am so. So fucking mad right now, because this shit is unbelievable and a direct manipulation of my feelings towards them.

And if I'm doing something wrong somehow, that has made them want to test me, first off -- I haven't fucking done shit. I've still been talking to them literally just about every day when I can.

Doing the same things we always did, little RP shit and just messing around and talking about our interests and whatnot. BUT I've also stated multiple times, ALL THE TIME, that if I was ever doing anything

they didn't like, then PLEASE don't be hesitant about it or think I'd ever hate you, please just tell me and we can work it out.

I'm flexible and if I come off as insensitive, I want to at least clarify it, if not fix it altogether.

But there's none of that.

They recently talked about their therapist basically giving them a suggestion, that maybe they were so suicidal all the time because it was a way to get attention. And they got really indignant about it,

accusing the therapist of accusing them of being suicidal only for attention. Which, I agreed with them, that's not true, there's life factors that cause suicidal ideation, not just wanting attention.

But I tried to gently get it through to them that maybe it's a FACTOR, and even though they indignantly denied that too, after all my past experiences so far, I'm pretty fucking convinced it's true.

Yes, you go to a shitty school, yes you know some shitty people, yes you have weird overprotective parents, but with all the backgrounds of these suicide attempts so far, what they've told me, and this latest

"attempt", I'm. Pretty fucking convinced that they ARE at least a little driven to suicidal ideation for the attention.

I still love them as a friend and they're one of the more creative, fun to talk to people I know and we always banter about Asian culture appropriation, social justice things, news about Korea and Japan

And fucking god I want to believe them and I want us to keep being friends -- not I want to keep being their friend, but I want US to be friends

But if they keep this shit up I'm really going to fucking lose it. I can't deal with being threatened suicide for so long just as a fucking friendship test. And I am so. So angry about it right now.

GOD AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT THE DID -- supposedly there was a whole thing where one of their alters, Miran I believe, wiped their memories completely to rid of trauma.

AND there was supposedly a system set up where if they got too suicidal, a protector aka Miran or Rory (who supposedly became the new host) would take over and keep them from carrying through.

Yeah guess who seemed to remember nothing but ended up having literally NO trouble recalling ANYTHING from that "erased past" AND guess which alters have been totally absent in the last 7 suicide attempts.

I'm so sick of being played with. And I'm even sicker of having to stay silent about it, BECAUSE IF I ACCUSE THEM OF LYING, THEY'LL TAKE IT AS A REASON TO COMMIT SUICIDE. And I don't want them to die.

I'm so fucking tired of it. At least to end it on a somewhat happier note, that's why I fucking love the maf community so god damn much. It was such a nice change to talk to everyone again after one whole

fucking year of (GESTURES TO EVERYTHING ABOVE) and I have just been. SO much better mental health-wise, and socially. And I have so much to look forward to every night again.

Instead of dreading a fucking self-harm message.

I'm finally going to bed...

Good night, world...