Storyteller's Choice again this week?

Do a celt myth!

something with a badass lady

Well, there are few ladies in Celtic myth more badass than Macha, so how about a Macha story?

/draws closer

This one starts with a man named Cruinniuc. He had been widowed fairly recently, but one night, a strange and beautiful woman appeared on his doorstep.

This, of course, was Macha, but he didn't know that. She didn't speak to him at first, but she very quickly made herself at home. So much at home that before Cruinniuc knew it, she was acting like his wife.

It didn't take long before she became pregnant.

While she was late in her pregnancy, Cruinniuc was headed toward a fair hosted by King Ulster. She was speaking to him by now, and warned him not to do anything dumb, or boastful or careless.

You guys already know where this is headed

She also warned him that she would only stay with him so long as he did not mention her to anyone, and he promised to say nothing.

Well, while at the fair, one of the big event draws happens to be chariot racing, and the king boasts that no one can beat his horses, for they are the fastest in the land.

...and, caught up in the moment, Cruinniuc boasted that his wife could totally outrun the king's horses.

pft

...his wife...

Of course, nobody believes Cruinniuc, so the king demands that he bring his wife forward to prove the claim.

So, a messenger was sent and he seized the very pregnant Macha and brought her to the fair before the king. King Ulster was all, "So I hear you can outrun my horses."

She gave Cruinniuc a deathglare but was all, "Yeah, I can. But I'm way super pregnant, so how about you give a girl a break and I'll prove it after I've delivered, sound good?"

But the crowd was having none of this, chanting that they wanted her to prove it now. And the king insisted she do so.

Muttering something under her breath about her idiot husband, Macha lined up with the horses, and the race began.

She did indeed win the race, but when she got to the finish line, she dropped and started giving birth right there on the field.

In the midst of her labor, she declared "I am Macha, daughter of Sainrith mac Imbaith, and my name and my offspring's name will be given to this place."

"Also FUCK YOU, JERKFACE, FOR MAKING ME DO THIS."

And she cursed Ulster's men for nine generations that they would be made to suffer her labor pains in the hour of their greatest need.

She ended up giving birth to twins right next to the chariot she had just outrun, so the place was called Emain Macha, or "Macha's twins."

Macha and her children disappeared shortly thereafter, and it was said the boy twin in particular ran to the sea and vanished.

And her curse did hold for nine generations, so that none of the Ulstermen except the hero Cúchulainn were able to fight in the Táin Bó Cuailnge (Cattle Raid of Cooley).

So the moral is, when a goddess tells you not to do something stupid, don't do it.

THE END~