The story of Triton and Baldr!

Or Zeus and Semele and how Dionysus came to be.

OK, so, I have to preface this by saying that if you've been paying any attention to MST Sundays, you've probably noticed that mythology is chock full of some Really Weird Stuff.

And some of the strangest I've seen in Greek myth does center on Dionysus the Twice-Born, because wow. Like every Greek myth, there are many, many variations because no one can agree on one version.

I have seen variations where his birth to Semele is actually a reincarnation of an even earlier form he had, so that's all kinds of special, but today we are focusing on Zeus and Semele.

So we'll save the Extra Weird for another time, maybe.

Anyway, so. Semele was a princess of Thebes, daughter of Cadmus and Harmonia. She had several sisters, though, so she was nowhere close to the throne and so chose to become a priestess of Zeus.

Zeus, being King of the Ego-Trip, liked to pass by his temples in disguise just to make sure he was getting all the proper attention. One time while in eagle form, he saw Semele and was all "I'mma tap that."

So he kept coming by the temple in various guises and struck up a relationship with her, ultimately leading to sexings, and, of course, she ended up pregnant.

Well, somewhere along this time, Hera found out about their affair, and decided she needed to interfere.

Semele was very pretty, but not especially bright, and Hera came to her disguised as her old nursemaid Beroe, under pretense of being faithful to the gods of Olympus.

She noticed Semele was pregnant and asked her who the lucky fellow was. Semele was all, "Oh, he's really great, but you'd never believe me if I told you!"

And Hera-as-Beroe was all, "No, no, you have to tell me! Was it that cute priest? Some sexy prince from a nearby city-state? Some smokin' hot demi-god? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME."

And Semele was "Well, OK. But you can't tell anyone! ...It's Zeus."

And Hera was all, "OMG SHUT UP. You're kidding, right?"

And Semele was all, "Nope, it's really him!"

And then Hera got crafty. And was all, "Well, are you sure? Like, how do you know?"

And Semele was all, "Well, he told me he was. And pretty sure I saw him turn into an eagle once or twice. Plus, the sex is like, way super awesome and I'm pretty sure only a god can fuck like that, y'know?"

But Hera kept pressing, "But how do you know it's Zeus? What if he's just a really good magician? What if you're actually sleeping with that playboy Apollo? How do you know it's Zeus?"

And Semele was all, "Well... I guess I trust him. And he looks just like the statue."

And Hera was all, "But do you have proof?"

And Semele admitted, "Well... no..."

But Hera smiled and said, "OK, I know how you can get proof. First, next time you see him, you make him swear by the River Styx to do you any favor you ask, so he can't weasel out of it."

"Then, you ask him to show himself to you in his full godly form. Then you'll know for sure."

And Semele was all, "OMG, that is a fantastic idea, I will totally do that next time I see him."

So, Zeus came by a few nights later and she was all, "Heyyyyy honey. It's super great to see you, how've you been? Also... I was wondering if you could do me a teensy little favor, pretty please?"

And Zeus was all, "Sure, baby, what do you want?"

And Semele was all, "Well... it's kinda weird... Promise me on the Styx you'll do it for me?"

And Zeus, who never thinks these oaths through, was all, "Sure, baby, anything you want, I promise on the Styx."

And Semele immediately says, "I want to see you as a god."

And Zeus was all, "Baby, I'm right in front of you. Is this not god enough? /flex flex smile"

And she's like, "No, no, silly. I mean, show me your real god form. If you have one, that is."

And then Zeus was all, "...oh. Fuck. Me and my big mouth..."

But, he'd sworn by the Styx and so he had no choice. He slowly started revealing himself in his full glory. Problem was, no mortal could withstand the sight.

and thus the trope of exploding ovaries was created

And Semele, who was only a demigoddess herself, was all, "Oh no he's hot. LITERALLY." And she started burning up on the spot.

//flees, seeks asylum with Poseidon//

Zeus, noticing that their unborn son was starting to combust as well, snatched him out of his mother's womb. But, she'd only been about six months along, and even Zeus knew he wasn't ready to be born yet.

So he was going, "Shit, shit, what do I do, what do I do?" And he came up on the spot with a seems-brilliant-at-the-time idea.

He grabbed the nearest sharp object, sliced open his thigh, stuffed the fetus into it, and sewed it back up, meanwhile going to Semele, "Sorry, sorry, baby, I love you" as she burned to death.

...yes Zeus your beefy thigh is basically just like a womb good thinking.

IKR? You'd think he'd use his calf.,

/rimshot

ANYWAY, a few months later, the baby was done developing Because Magic or Some Shit, and Zeus cut open the stitches, and thus Dionysus was born.

I mean leave it to the Greeks to fantasize about children sprouting straight from men's thighs without all that intermediate womb nonsense

And Zeus, being Dad of the Year, was all, "Glad that's over with." But he wasn't good with babies, so he handed little Dio off to some nymphs to be raised.

And then the real fun began. But those are stories for another day.

THE END~

lol Well, that was entertaining. lol

I thought Zeus loved her, though?

He did! But Hera tricked her and Zeus Did Not Think Things Through.

Rarely does Zeus think things through. lol I loved playing Semele, though

Zeus is special that way

snort He is

Ha. Someone made this for me at the ooooold game when I had Semele:

Ariadne gives a thumbs up.

Ardruna: lol Glad she approves.