Whaddaya got for Celts today?

Because I'm going back to class, what about a story about a mentor/teacher and student?

Well, I went hunting for something to fulfill both... how about the training of the hero Cúchulainn?

So, young Cúchulainn was finally coming of age and decided, "dang, I'mma need a teacher if I'm going to be awesome." So, he wandered out, and came to the land of Alba.

There, he met a warrior-lady named Dordmair. She welcomed him and asked him why he came, and he said, "I wanna learn feats of valor and be awesome like you."

Well, Dordmair figured the best way to teach was by example, so she too a 5-barbed spear, stuck the shaft into the ground and leapt upon the points, but didn't even tear her clothes doing it.

Cúchulainn and the two buddies with him were all, "Whoa, that's cool." And Dordmair said, "Thanks, now you do it."

Cúchulainn's two friends tried, but they couldn't, but Cúchulainn did it, no problem, piece of cake.

They spent a year in Alba, learning as many feats as they could from Dordmair, before one day, Cúchulainn met a man by the sea who asked him what he was doing.

Cúchulainn explained he was learning feats of valor from a bamf warrior-lady and the man told him that Scáthach daughter of Buanuinne, king of Scythia was even more bamf than Dordmair.

So, Cúchulainn asked the big guy if he'd guide him to find this lady, and the guy was all, "LOL NOPE." So Cúchulainn was all, "fuck you, I'll find her myself."

He makes his way to Scythia, and finds these kids playing a game. Cúchulainn basically stole their ball and made himself goalie for three rounds, kicking all their butts.

And Cúchulainn was all, "That was fun, so can you tell me about the feats of valor that can be done around here?" And the youths told him about the Bridge of Leaps.

Cúchulainn was all, "Cool, thanks" and headed for the bridge. And Scáthach was there along with her daughter, Uathach.

Cúchulainn performed the feats of the bridge with Uathach watching him, and she told her mom about him, and Scáthach was all, "wow, all in one day? He could be the prophesied one."

And a lot of onlookers were mad that Cúchulainn was able to handle the bridge in a day, instead of needing months of training, but Scáthach invited him to come see her.

And she welcomed him, but then sent him among a bunch of barbers and such in the crowd, who all wanted to throw darts at him, mostly because they were still mad that he won the bridge challenge.

So he got hung up on the bridge, and a bunch of darts were thrown at him, but Cúchulainn was clever and used the darts that missed him as a ladder to climb down unhurt.

And then he went all ninja on the people who were throwing stuff at him.

He went back to Scáthach's, but soon was alerted that now they were demanding he pay them in jewels and gold for killing people and insulting their culture and stuff.

And Cúchulainn was all, "Yeah, whatever," and went out with a couple of Scáthach's sons. And there was a big giant out there to fight with them, but first they performed a bunch of heroic feats

And then they did the big boss fight.

And the giant's body fell on Cúchulainn, and his teeth caught on his shoulder and ripped off a good chunk of his arm. Oops.

And then Cúchulainn actually beheaded Cuar, one of Scáthach's sons, because he's a jerk like that, and brought the head back to his mom.

And Scáthach was all, "...wow, OK. Well, that is a feat. Go to your room, get healed up."

And that night Uathach came to his room to "heal" him /winknudge but Cúchulainn wasn't in the mood, and hurt her, so she got mad at him, but she still thought he was hot.

And she told him to ask her mom to give him 3 feats she'd never had anyone do, and Cúchulainn was all, "Sure, you're on."

So he went to the Bridge the next morning, saw Scáthach there and threatened to kill her. And she's all, "why you wanna do that, I can give you good stuff if you behave your dumb ass."

And he's all, "Yeah, what kind of good stuff?" And she's all, "whatever you want, dude."

So, he demanded the feats, as well as Uathach and the "friendship of thighs" from Scáthach... which probably means he was aiming for the family hat trick. But Scáthach agreed.

Cúchulainn stayed with them for another year before moving on to do more great feats, and he went to Greece and met a lady-warrior named Aife, because he was all about learning feats from bamf ladies.

She agreed to take him on, and he stayed with her for a year, learning stuff from her in all kinds of ways. And then he was all, "So, did I pass, and am I approved in all the cool feats?"

And she's like, "Yeah, you won all three prize-feats, but uh, don't go. 'Cause I'm pregnant with your baby."

And he's all, "Wow. OK. Look, I have to go, sorry, but if it's a girl, make sure she marries a good guy, and if it's a boy, teach him to be awesome, bye."

So he went on his way, doing all kinds of feats of valor, and actually went back to Scáthach for a while to learn even more from her and her knights since he'd leveled up some while away from her.

After a while, he and a bunch of her knights took on the biggest task yet, which was fighting with a bunch of Formorians, who were basically gods.

And they totally won, and Cúchulainn returned to Ireland as a big hero and ready to take on the world and be even more awesome. And kind of a jerkface.

The end.