i was reading a book for my senior thesis, and it was written by someone of filipino descent

in this book he stated that

language does not have an affect on a person's cultural identity

fuck that noise

i still have to cross-check his reference for that (if i can even remember the book)

but the problem is that language has so much to do with cultural identity

this may be biased from personal experience

however, as a second-generation immigrant, i was raised and immersed by english-speakers

in my house, my parents spoke tagalog but never expected me to speak it

in fact, because i had an older brother who was also a second-generation immigrant, we spoke english

so, i grew up not knowing how to properly speak my parents' language, but could understand it

and here's where the real cultural dissonance begins

there is a word called "bulol" in tagalog, which means "broken tongue," roughly translated

it's used for children who cannot speak properly, or foreigners who can't get that guttural language

so, i avoid speaking in my house because it'll be pointed out (esp. by my brother) and my tongue is "too hard" from english

but, the thing is, i want to know how to speak it. it's embarrassing when someone speaks tagalog and all i can do is stammer a response

and it only occurred to me in college, but i felt a cultural disconnect from my american heritage to my parents' filipino one

i'm not considered american because i'm too brown

i'm not considered filipino because my tongue is too hard, and i can barely respond to conversation

and, the thing is, i was so obsessed with this dissonance, i did a small survey in a filipino club at my college (and, i know, completely skewed data measures here)

and the thing is

the results of their experiences matched up with mine

i looked further into other books about psychology and culture

same thing happens with other cultures, from hispanic to native american

if you cannot communicate a language, there is going to be a cultural disconnect

you don't feel like you belong on either side of the spectrum

now, another interesting thing that may affect this is color and being white-passing

my brother is significantly paler than me, probably can pass as east asian, or at least mixed with white

he has no problems with cultural dissonance (of course, that is for several factors as well) and will mock me for having so

and i keep telling him this

"you are white-passing. you look like you are half. it still sucks because people will still assume your "other race," but you can pass for white."

he is accepted by the american side of him because not only can he speak english, he can pass the color test too

for people who are ambiguously brown, it's not the same. we're not considered "american" because we're white-passing

because we're not white-passing*

so we're separated from the "american" society

it'd be a fun study, to see two second-generation immigrants' experiences

and if their experiences differ due to race (and, it probably would)

in any case, this is something that second-generation immigrants (and, let me not exclude the indigenous peoples here for centuries) face when it comes to culture

you don't feel american, and you're not accepted as it

you don't feel like your parents' culture, because you don't speak it and/or you don't understand it

so where are you? what are you?

and, yeah, people can argue (just like my brother) that culture is what you make it.

at that the same time, at some point of your life before you got to finding a niche of people, you feel like something has been ripped out of your hands

that you don't get that because of whatever reason, even though it so rightly belongs to you

tldr; forget anyone that says language doesn't play into cultural identity