my anxiety levels are over 9000 tonight

to tap an ancient meme

I tried to go to bed when TL did at like 9:30 but I was a complete and utter ball of itch and could not relax enough to sleep

and it just kept spiralling until I had to get back up or start crying

ugh

we got confirmation from the landlord at least that we can get out of the lease for health reasons, and we did it over email so we have a paper trail just in case

so now the hunt starts in earnest

odds are good we're going to have to pay rent on two places for a month in order to find anything that fulfills all of our criteria (which in this housing market count as "picky"):

1. in the part of the city we can both get to work from; 2. enough room that I can work from home without being intrusive, so two bedroom if possible or a very large-living-roomed 1-bedroom;

3. under a certain budget; 4. no pets have lived there before us

I'm hoping our landlord is willing to give us a reference because not having one can really fuck up anyone's chances of finding a home in this city

I should be looking at craigslist right now but I can't bring myself to

I'm finding I have to fight hard against certain learned reactions to when my health (mental or physical) gets bad

somewhere along the line I've picked up a kind of learned helplessness, where when things go bad I sort of go limp

and wait it out

in some cases this has done very well for me

particularly when I was that really bad kind of sick two years ago: waiting it out was literally all I could do

but now, when I have to be proactive about [insert thing that needs fixing in my life here], it's a deeply harmful reaction

Oh gosh... I'm sorry it's such a stressful process, but hang in there Kat!

Thanks, Ren. <3

It'll get better, it's just... tonight is really, really bad

and I'm out of sleep medication so I can't even force the issue if I need to

oh man I'm so sorry you're going through this

did you want to talk about it?

Well, I mean, this is the long and short of it, pretty much

I'm in a bad way mentally and at the mercy of a broken immune system physically and a terrible housing market economically

it'll get better and I'm glad we're finally moving on moving but tonight I really just wish there was some way to take a mental holiday from it all

htg if getting real fucking drunk wouldn't make the whole physical situation worse I would consider it, and I say this as someone who drinks rarely

snugs

do you have a decent relationship with your landlord?

I think so, yes

he's a really good dude and he's been super obliging about all of this

so he'll probably give you a reference without too much hassle I'd think? so that should help a bit

he went really out of his way to help try and solve the allergy thing when it first became apparent it was a serious issue: getting the ducts cleaned, geting filters installed on the furnaces

it's part of why moving is such a pisser, he and his family are fantastic

I think so and I really, really hope so, yeah

but I'm in one of those brainspaces where it's kind of hard to believe anything good will happen here, so I'm fretting about probably nothing

yeah I know that feel

do things like mindfulness exercises help you much?

usually?

right now I'm on super hard mode because I'm suffering some pretty severe itching

breaks the concentration really bad

it does yeah

I gather not working so well rn

nooooot so much

actually ran through a guided meditation with TL's help while I was still in bed

helped a bit, stopped helping when the 'guided' part was over

moments when you need a several hour long one ugh

wish I could just punch it down for you

you are a sweetheart, Kes

this will get better, it will be okay again, it will just take time and the right kind of effort

Do distractions help at all?

I find doing something that feels productive (even if it's a silly thing) can be good for the nerves. Ever the better if it's something that takes focus.

My focus is pretty shot right now, but I know what you mean

I was trying to do a tag or two earlier and it wasn't working, so I think that was the wrong kind of distracting

I'm going to boot up Rimworld and play a bit and see if that does the trick instead

Seems like it did, hopefully. Sending lots of good thoughts today!

<333 thank you, love