Now, that's tired. I've been known to try to start up my apartment with my car key. So far, the starter doesn't seem to work.

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around....

A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'...

Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

--Steven Wright

I have no idea if that quote is in this clip, but he's hilarious. Comic Relief Steven Wright Stand Up Comedy

Steven Wright Jokes

I have tried opening my house door with my rfid card for work, I've tried opening my mailbox with my house key, and my house door with my mailbox key.

.

I guess that just goes to prove that you're a Silly Goose.

I love Steven Wright

I have one of his tapes (yes I said tapes. I'm old, don't judge me!) somewhere

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

one of my all time favs: I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

RowanMcAdams: you have one of his takes? On 8-track?

I love Stephen Wright! One of the most brilliant comedians EVER!

alas I was a little kid when 8 Tracks faded out to make for cassettes.