so due to my self destructive personality it was about 1am when I started looking through my ex's secret porn blog that that you need a password to view (which of course I still remember)
just to see if she's updated it between the time we broke up and when she's started talking to/sexting Anthony (and whoever else)
and it's been updated quite a bit. so idk if was the cold or my anxiety causing me to shake uncontrollably (maybe a mix) but wow I shouldn't have done that.
I honestly can't think about her, much less be around her, without my anxiety just going NYOOM through the roof.
luckily the app crashed and booted me off as a result. I took it as a sign to remind myself STOP YOU IDIOT SHE LITERALLY DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE
and I just feel like I should come here to get that off my chest. I'm sorry that a good 78% of my plurks are whiny ones about this whole ordeal.
but I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from doing/saying stupid shit about it until she's WELL gone and out of my life. (end of January btw)
bc unfortunately she can't leave any sooner bc everything is MY fault since I broke up with her just before she was going to propose and all...
as if nothing she did contributed to my feeling towards her or the situation and led to the decision to end the relationship, right?
ugh whatever I just.. really need to stop dwelling on all this. it isn't healthy for anyone remotely involved.
it sends me into these spiraling panic attacks whenever I get going and causes even more stupid shit. just breathe, me. put it all out of my mind.
think of what you have now and what you have to look forward to. happy things.
so aside from the shitty breakup, shitty apartment you're stuck in, losing your job, and horrible self esteem issues stemming mostly from the fact that you're a fat piece of shit... you'll be fine.
I mean not to mention that you're a fat POS bc you're not in the military anymore which was the thing holding you together for the past 5 years
but don't worry about that. regardless of the fact that it was your ex that saved you from killing yourself that one night shortly after you got out because of crippling depression, you're alive now.
in fact, you wear a bracelet on your wrist to memorialize your friend and former roommate that lost that battle with his demons.
so you need to get your chin up, look on the bright side, look for the silver lining in all this, and be what everyone needs you to be, ok? ok.
good pep talk, me. let's do it again sometime.