I have the opportunity to go to a couple of get-togethers and a new years party, mostly with people who I don't know

followed by about a week of doing painting work, which I generally despise because it lets my mind wander too much and focus on how much I dislike the task or on some other depressing and unhelpful thought

both of them are out of town, and since I don't have a license I have to ride with a friend, so I have no out if I decide I want to bail early

I know that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone more and have some kind of change of pace

I know that I'm assuming the worst about the situation because that's what I always fucking do to myself

I know that my friend won't hate me forever if I decide not to go with him, despite what the voice inside my head tells me

I know that this isn't a life or death decision or anything even remotely like that so there's no reason for me to stress over this at all

but I can't stop feeling like I have to do this and am being foolish by even considering saying no

and I can't tell if that's me going "You need to push yourself more, you'll be fine, just try and see what happens"

Personally, I would skip the New Years party because that is a VERY EASY overload.

or me going "It's Wrong for you to say no, you need to do this because you're an adult and you don't get to turn down opportunities just because you think they'll suck"

if it's the first one, that's a mindset I want to support because it will move me forward

Painting, on the other hand, sounds like it wouldn't be too rough on you unless you're REALLY against it.

if it's the second one, that's the mindset that kept me in a situation that gave me eight years of increasingly bad depression and I want nothing to do with that mindset anymore

I can't tell where my resistance to the idea is coming from or why I would be saying yes

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to be doing anything useful this week if I don't go so I might as well say yes

but I also know that if I keep pushing myself at home this week I'll be closer to accomplishing things that, while not immediately useful, have a chance of paying off in the future if I can keep pushing myself consistently

then of course comes the negative self-talk about how I'm being "naive" and "immature" and need to "suck it up" because I'm obstensibly an adult and need to be "responsible"

and that I'm just fooling around and pretending like I'd actually be doing anything useful if I stayed home instead of doing Real Work (TM)

and all sorts of phrases that I can easily convince myself are true because of how I interpreted what authority figures in my childhood expected of me which I now recognize as a mix of bullshit and well-meaning but poorly-phrased advice

and I can't shake the idea that me putting this out on plurk and asking for advice is some subconscious strategy to dodge making the decision myself

but fuck it I need to hear other people's viewpoints because I can't tell if I'm being at all rational about this anymore

I don't know if any of this is making sense I feel like I'm not communicating my thought processes clearly

It makes plenty of sense.

You're overthinking it a bit. Just... take a step back and look at it.

Doing both is almost certainly an overload.

One or the other is probably a good exercise for you.

it's an all or nothing scenario

Ah.

I am definitely overthinking this

but I still don't know what to do

Again, take a step back, and look at what's going to be expected of you.

Contrary to what a lot of people will tell you, you do NOT always have to step out of your comfort zone.

Doing it every so often is good.

Doing it TOO much will push you way too far.

If you think you can handle it, go for it. If you think it's going to be too much, then that's probably a good instinct to follow.

You are NEVER required to step that far out of your life for people you do not know at all.

I want to step out of my comfort zone more because I spend all my time there and rarely try new things

but this is a week-long commitment

and I'm honestly afraid that I won't be able to handle it, while knowing that I consistently underestimate my capabilities and thus likely can if I have to

there's also the "Am I just looking for an excuse to be lazy?" worry floating around

but I have no idea how to tell and you're more right than you know, J, I'm overthinking this like crazy

There's stepping out of your comfort zone, and then there's taking a leap of faith.

You have to be able to realistically judge what you're capable of. Because leaps of faith don't come with parachutes.

how do you tell if you're capable of something you've never done before?

Here's what I would ask myself.

Can I handle a week?

And I handle that many people I don't know?

*can I handle that many people

and "What happens if I can't?"

You CAN do more than you know.

But respect that you've got limits, and you're gonna be pushing up to them.

whether or not you can handle it can also vary depending on your current mood/mindset. if you can't handle Socialing with that many people for that long right now, that's okay. you shouldn't feel obligated to do something that might be good for other people but not for you.

one thing you might do is, what's the most positive outcome that you can imagine from this? what could you get out of it, can you imagine yourself enjoying it?

on the other hand, if it does go poorly, what are some things you could do to mitigate since you won't be able to bail? can you, idk, bring alternative things to do, audiobooks to listen to while you're painting, comfortable things to fall back on when you can get time to yourself?

most positive outcome? I hit it off with everyone I meet at the party, am included in everything, and during the process realize what's been holding me back from being more social, leading to me becoming able to socialize fully in the future.

I do a painting job that I'm happy with and don't nitpick, the various homeowners love my work, and they provide us with delicious desserts and food in thanks.

not touching the worst possible outcome because it's unrealistic

for the most likely outcome

I have little to nothing in common with the other people at the party, have nothing to contribute to the conversation, and spend the time either wallflowering or sitting with everyone else but not speaking a word and reassuring my friend when he asks that I'm okay and he should just enjoy himself and not worry about me

I do a painting job that I look at and see dozens of imperfections that are beyond my ability to fix, the homeowners are fine with the work and give generic thanks and praise that I can't make myself believe is warranted or truly genuine

Can I handle a week? I won't die from it but I don't expect to be in as good of a mood coming out as I am going in

Can I handle that many people I don't know? Yes, through retreating inward and to the periphery of the event, possibly with frequent trips to the bathroom to have some alone time

What if I can't/How can I mitigate things? I was already planning on bringing at least one book and I can probably fit music or something on my phone to listen to, but I'm not likely to have much time by myself at any point during the week so relaxing will be a challenge

would you get anything out of your "most likely scenario" and/or do you feel up to pushing yourself at least a little bit past it? ie., trying to have at least one good conversation with a stranger, trying to accept a job adequately done, etc

because if not, then I'm not sure it sounds like it's worth it. it wouldn't be immature or irresponsible to stay at home and work on a personal project instead if that will be more rewarding for you.

I can say that I'll try to push past it, but past experience has shown me that I have a bad habit of forgetting to when the time comes and/or freezing up and not being able to come up with anything to say or being struck with a sudden bout of shyness when I need to be outgoing

past results do not guarantee future outcomes, but they certainly demoralize and demotivate me

it's up to you, but if you pass on this one, maybe you can let your friend know you'd still be interested if a smaller/easier gathering comes along?

yeah, I'll need to make that clear so he doesn't think I never want to do this kind of thing ever

Update: Said no. May have explained my reasons poorly. Feeling like I've made the wrong choice and am playing it too safe, but trying to move on and get to work on other things

/is swept