I have a freelance job. When I'm working, I'm happy and life is the best it can be and I bitch but I wouldn't change a thing.

I also work so many hours, when working, that I completely fail to have a social life.

When I'm not working, I sink into depression and endure week or month-long waves of anxiety with only brief respites.

And I've been telling myself for the past few years that I just need to get established and get more consistent work and it'll be fine, but I'm wondering if it actually will be.

I'm wondering if my anxiety is prohibitive to me having this career. Because then when I get offers for work after long bouts of none, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety about the deets (working with new bosses or in an unknown city or for low pay)

do I take the job I'm unqualified for? do I work for 2/3 my normal rate? do I leave one project early to jump to another and risk burning bridges? it's all anxiety inducing.

and it's my dream and I can't imagine doing anything else and being as happy when I'm working... but is that enough?

If you're happy when you're working, I don't think you're going for the wrong career. It sounds like the reality is you need to learn to manage the depression and anxiety side of it

Yes, that's been a decade long endeavor. And sometimes it's better than others, but idk how to make it progress any faster

Are you talking to a professional about it? Also, having like one regular-ish social event helps me. My hours are super long at work but EVERY SATURDAY (unless I genuinely have to cancel) I've been going to D&D

and that forces me to me to leave the house, see people and have fun

and b/c it's a group game I make myself go for fear of letting people down, which means I cant just trick myself into ~~not feeling it~~

sometimes like that might especially help in your down time?

I do go out and do things when I'm not working, haha. but I usually can't plan anything consistent because work falls on different hours and days, depending on the day/project.

And the professional thing is complicated because my insurance is v limiting, my work schedule sucks, and I can't book an appt less than 2 months out. So like last year I saw them twice. :|

I mean you aren't doing too hideously then! Being anxious about new jobs is relatively normal to a certain extent, right? But maybe if you had a sort of, yknow, process to some degree it wouldnt feel so bad on the down swings and decision-making bits

a process? can you elaborate? not sure I understand, but I'm down for anything that might help

like, when you get a job offer, a step by step approach that keeps you considering it rationally. Pros, cons, etc. I was always taught do things like that to stop my anxiety kicking up

equally, in your own time, some approach to your time wrt depression. Is it too much free time do you think, giving you time to overthink? Or is it anxiety over not having work?

yeah, I do pros and cons, but a lot of it is nebulous. it's better to be underpaid than not work, but I might miss a better job, better to not take one than to have to quit because I can't handle it, etc

and it's both. too much free time (i do better with structure), anxiety over money/lack of work. the lack of money also restricts my social life, and i never know when the next job will come to budget out excess