i hate my mom and i miss her so much

i miss when she wasnt cold and distant and when she actually treated me as her child and not some embarrassment

i miss when i was part of her family and not something that doesnt fit into her "real" family

i miss when she liked talking to me and spending time with me and sharing hobbies with me and taking me fun places

i love my siblings but im just fucking jealous and i hate myself for it

i know its not their fault at all but i still feel so fucking bitter and jealous towards them because damn it they took my mother from me

mom stopped caring about me and liking me when she started making her new family

it's not their fault, no, but... having other children doesn't mean you should just abandon the child you have?

i try not to blame them and i try very hard to be good to them when im around them but i cant help but feel so angry and bitter sometimes

i'm so sorry. i wish i knew what else to say, because this really sounds like a horrible situation. you deserve to be loved, too

because it is directly because of wanting to make a new family with my step dad that mom stopped being my mom so she could be ONLY their mom

and that is just. so incredibly wrong

and shes such a great fucking mom to them, too

shes a wonderful, beautiful mom for my siblings

but she wont be mine anymore

i can't blame you for being bitter and jealous, but you're right that it's not their fault

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something helpful.

she only likes me and likes having me around when im successful, then suddenly im her firstborn child that she wants to acknowledge

but then i fall on hard times and she wants nothing to do with me and im too inconvenient and embarrassing

look i get it im a fucking living reminder of your ex husband whos guts you hate, i get it i have his fucking face but its not fair

it's not fair at all

and she should love you regardless of how successful you are or whether or not you share genes with someone she hates, because you're still her child

she treats me like im such a burden and an inconvenience she couldnt even help me cover my last month of rent so i wouldnt have had to abandon the apartment and ruin my credit and hide from debt collectors

when i was losing my apartment the first fucking words out of her mouth on the phone were "you cant come stay with me, we dont have room"

please pay no attention to the 2 folding couchbeds behind the curtain

you know, in her two story 3 bedroom house with a playroom with a futon my siblings barely use and a couch bed in the livingroom

ive been living with a friend from highschool i had only just barely gotten back in contact with- from my first highschool, not even the one i spent most of highschool at

i hadnt talked to him since 2005-2006

but his fucking dad id never met before was willing to let me live on his couch

they have 2 bedrooms

single story

not to mention how my mom wouldnt fucking do anything when my cat got sick

i told her early on stewarts getting kinda lethargic and seems to be eating less, im worried

she just said whatever i cant afford a vet, well deal with it if it gets worse

it kept getting worse and she kept pulling the same fucking line

nd then he was dying and she still acted like it was a big annoyance to her

grandmas the one who took pity on my and paid to have him put out of his misery and cremated so i could at least keep his remains

my sister gets to go to a private school though isnt that nice

thw whole family is going to hawaii this year too and by whole family i mean whole NEW family

i wasnt even considered

i had to find out at fucking thanksgiving oh hey byrd were going to hawaii early 2017 look at all these cool places were going to without you

btw can you come babysit your sister for free

for a week

i just... you really deserve so much better than this

(and whenever ive babysat her for several days in the past theyd always treat me like i was in the way and annoying when theyd come home)

Oh my god, that is horrible

stop taking up a 2x2 space in our livingroom bigger than your entire apartment byrd we dont have room

my whole fucking apartment (you know, that i lost) couldnt fit in her livingroom with MAYBE some spillover to the kitchen

could*

but me sitting at the coffee table with my laptop was in the way and taking up too much space when they came home

they never even use the space i was at...

when id move 'out of the way' for them after theyd complain they wouldnt even use that space

they just dont want me breathing their air unless its convenient for them

i honestly cannot understand why they're so awful to you

unless i can be successful and make mom look good to her work friends

otherwise i need to be swept under the rug

isabelles the only one that wants me around

shes like 8 or 9 she doesnt understand

sister?

yeah, my baby sister

she always wants me to stay over and sometimes asks me to move in

oh, gosh. that's... i mean, honey, no, because from what i'm hearing that'd be the worst idea anyway, but. it's still kind of sweet

yeah izzy seems like a sweet kid...

its a shame her mom is actually the worst

^

i dont have the heart to tel isabelle WHY i cant stay with her, i dont want to make things weird or confusing or complicated for her

so she just has to think im refusing to be around

funny thing, she understands the idea that me and her are siblings, but sometimes she genuinely forgets we share a mother

somethings fucky when a 8-9 year old gets the idea that someone is their sibling, but divorce that from the concept of sharing a parent

like maybe shes noticing that mom certainly doesnt act like my mother but doesnt fully comprehend what that means

not yet aware of the concept of "some parents are shitty to their kids"

kids are pretty smart. it sounds like she has an idea something's up and rightly so

that's a pretty shitty situation you're in, and I'm sorry. you definitely do not deserve that

sometimes shell refer to mom as just her mom, like shell say "you should ask my mom" and ill remind her "izzy shes my mom too" and shell look so fucking flabbergasted for a second before she remembers and goes "Oh yeahhh"

god but i just miss so much the mom my mother used to be when i was a kid when i loved her and she loved me and i hate her so much for not being that mom anymore

this probably sounds really weird or pathetic but you know its been a really long time since ive seen toy story 2, maybe most of the last decade? but i distinctly remembner the last time i heard that song jesse sings it hit me really hard

because my mind automatically replaced the context of a young woman outgrowing a loved toy, and i thought of me and my mom

it fits

hey, it's not pathetic. some things just hit notes with us that hurt. and i can understand why

When She Loved Me Lyrics Toy Story 2

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you

also it doesn't help that this song is written to make you cry, i swear