My depression is so bad tonight

It's currently linked to make feelings if being unloved, unwanted, and unnecessary

I feel like my existence doesn't matter

Not even a little

I'm honestly feeling so awful right now

And I'm trying not to relapse into self harm

But the thought has been at the back of my mind all day

I constantly feel like I'm trying to put myself out there, get involved in conversations with people that are my friends

Or at least people who I think are my friends but my definition and their definition are probably different

But I always feel ignored

Overlooked

Like everything I try to do is a waste of time because no one wants to interact with me

I'm just going through the motions of life with no goal in mind

Non stop routine

I have nothing and no one to make my life less mundane

It's eating away at me

I feel like if it keeps going like this, then I'm not going to be able to deal with this life much longer

I see all this stuff in my room that I've spent so much money on

And it just reminds me that I'm spending money on stuff that isn't going to matter

It's just garbage

Unless trinkets that are just going to be thrown away in the future

I just think buying stuff will make me happy but then I just look at everything and get upset

But it's all I have because I have no one to share life with

No one to talk to

No one to go out with

No one to do fun things with

I just come home to an empty house and go up to my single room where I sit in bed for hours until I force myself to sleep so I can eat up and do the same thing again

So I can go to work to make money I'm going to spend on more garbage

So I can go to school for a degree I'm not going to do anything with because I have no interest in having a career

Especially not one in the field my degree is for

And every day that goes by where it just the same routine, same bullshit

I feel myself slowly teetering over the edge

Because I don't want this

But I'm not in a position to change anything

I have to keep going and finish what I set out to do just because I can't back out of it now

Not because I actually want to

But because my mom paid all this money for me to do it, so I have to

I just don't care

About anything

Because no one cares about me

So honestly why should I keep this going when there's nothing for me at the end

And no one to be there with me

I'm not contributing to this life in any significant way

Other than just being a flicker in the lives of others

But that's all I am

A flicker

Less than a percent

Maybe even nothing

There isn't anyone who needs me

And there sure isn't anyone who wants me

I just want to say that a lot of people really care about you, like Jess, and Nikki, and plenty of other people

But no matter how many times you hear that, you're not going to believe it because depression tricks you into thinking there's no one

Everyone is lost in some way or another and everyone goes through the motions sometimes, but because you live alone and many of your friends are online it's lonely

I strongly recommend looking into something like this some of the services are cheap or free and many can be done over the phone, since I know your schedule is busy

I've been looking into therapy options because I've been needing it

But when I tried asking my mom for help she was like "what do you need a therapist for?"

I told her that I'm suffering and I'm lonely and depressed all the time

And she was like "what do you have to be depressed about?"

I tell her I'm lonely and she goes "I was the same way when I was your age and I lived alone for the first time"

I'm like but things were different then? And we don't have the same experiences

So her being lonely because she lived alone and me being lonely cause I live alone aren't going to be the same

But she thinks if I'm not living in the street and dying of cancer, I have no reason to be depressed

A lot of parents don't take mental health seriously, my mom didn't either, and not just because I have a life I'm generally happy with. I told her "why would you push me away from something that could make me a happier healthier person?"

And she was really caught up in whether I 'needed it' and I told her that honestly it wasn't any of her business and she could either support me in it or she could be yet another roadblock in my mental health so which did she want to be?

She shut up and has been supportive since then

If you feel like your mom won't support you in it financially, maybe take some of the money you typically spend on stuff you say you don't need and doesn't make you happy and spend it on a cheap therapy option?

If your mom feels like you 'shouldn't be depressed' it's like 'so I should just suffer because you've decided that I shouldn't feel the way I do?' And like seriously ask if she wants you to be a happier person. Let her know therapy is the first step towards that

I told her I needed it and the only reason I was bringing it up was because I needed help finding a therapist

And she was like "you can ask you school"

She assumed I wanted her to hold my hand and find me a therapist and set up an appointment for me when all I needed was to be pointed in the right direction because I've never been to a therapist that WASNT set up by her

But I found out starbucks has an employee assistance program that offers 6 free sessions if you're a parter

That's great