dropped too soon...

wouldve been cool to do something with mirror toriel

have her go like 'yeah fuck this war nonsense' because she has no investment in the queens shit, and just go stand with the real monsters and fuck up any mirrors that approach

and get unmade for sure but id still prolly be dropping pretty soon so itd be a nice way for her to go

and is sort of what i wanted to do with her eventually anyway

you could always re-app!

mn. im still gonna have the same issues, though. and i dont wanna go to the trouble of reapping just to... very quickly drop again

and only really stick around to do One thing

i want to be in the game and keep having like... a social group of some sort but i just... dont think i can

this is now a mute plurk

cause. im sad

and i wanna not be sad. and i wanna have friends

but theres literally nothing in my life but sadness and depression and mental illness

and you dont make friends talking about that. you just are weird and unpleasant and drive people away

but i dont got anything else to talk about

all i got to talk about is like. various fictions i enjoy

but im bad at getting invested in new things, and anytime i think i should check out something new my brain is just like 'no'

i think about what if its not good, or i dont like it, or i get stressed out while watching it and start feeling sick which is a thing that happens a lot, or just... wind up wasting a whole bunch of time on something i wind up not liking

just a whole bunch of shit that makes me freeze up and then just rewatch the same old shit ive seen a million times

so i dont even have a bunch of stuff to talk about in the one thing that is available for me to talk about

oh and also the feelings that if i mention anything im into people will judge the hell out of me

since i like games and cartoons and shit

the only interactions i have with people are 'hey do you want to play this game' or 'hey heres a tiny thing about some fictional setting'

thats all i got unless you want to hear about how im a failure wasting their life

im not an interesting or likable person

and even in my limited scope of things im really bad at interacting with people

most of my plurks and attempts to participate in memes and junk go mostly ignored and theres a reason for that, its cause people just dont like me that much

i dont think anyone dislikes me but everyone seems to get along with each other a lot more than me

s'all i got though. and i guess now i gotta go back to having nothing

cause im not in the game anymore. and without that to talk about, i got nothing

i laid down and started crying. not just a little tearing up but like actual full on sobs

and since normally im so emotionally dead inside that i never actually cry like that even when id really like to, my immediate internal thought was 'oh sweet im actually crying!!!!'

kinda ruined the mood

Holy shit. You are clearly not okay.

Is there anything that can be done to help.

(Also, like, I'm down for talking about games on Discord literally all the time.)

no i am not! i see a therapist and have a case worker and am applying for social security and shit because of how desperately not ok i am

talking about literally anything else would help

i guess?

Okay. I'll go poke you on discord.

love you Hayvel. I can't talk right now because I am in Hospital Hell (not me, visiting family) but I care about you. I hope you feel better soon and I am so glad you're getting whatever help you can.

yeah i saw!! i dont know how to really deal with that so i didnt say anything but good luck

Aww thank you sweetheart, I appreciate it <3

same, dude. i've always loved talking to you, i'm just bad at conversation

but you're absolutely a lovely person :>

thank you!