I'm upset because it was really stupid – started my ac, fell asleep in the middle of it because of jet lag, posted it four minutes late – but it was 100% my fault and my activity has been really bad for a really long time anyway

I think I'm going to reapp but it's... maybe not a bad thing to take some time off and regroup

I've been really busy and stressed between work and grad school stuff, and struggling generally with game activity

We love you and understand that life happens

I enjoy the game and I think this batch of characters and players are fantastic, and even though I've been super flaky I love what CR Tony has gotten

so I don't want to leave for good

but I'm still fighting hard against my brain to do stuff and stay on top of things and not just... constantly be in Maximum Avoidance mode and procrastinating on things for weeks on end for literally no good reason

so I think I'm going to take the time off to get my grad school housing and finances sorted out so I don't have to worry about that for the rest of the summer

and I think I need to tighten up Tony's application and map out a game plan for him for the next few months

I'm a total newbie to this group of players but the atmosphere here has been so warm and welcoming; I am positive you will be welcomed back with giddy excitement once you can reapp

because if I'm coming back I really need to come back strong and get some momentum going and hopefully not backslide into my shitty executive dysfunction maladaptive coping mechanisms again

because my head is a fucking dumpster fire

I'm also thinking I need to change how I approach the game

number one I need to participate in plot more, but focus on other PCs and STOP hanging important character development/progression on stuff that requires significant mod input or npc threads

because asking for things from mods and juggling all the logistics and communication required is super difficult for me so I always plan this stuff and then fumble the follow-through and trap myself behind these roadblocks

two, I'm putting a blanket ban on multi-character logs

again, it's too hard for me to take charge of the logistics/communication. it stresses me out to have multiple people waiting on my tags for a plot-essential thread, and it stresses me out to hassle people when THEY'RE the ones holding the thread up, and so they always stagnate, and, again, I get stuck behind a roadblock

three, I need to participate in the OOC community more. not even to plot stuff, just to be around and chatting about the game. I'm way more motivated to tag when I'm involved with other players OOC, and my avoidant bullshit means procrastinating on tags and avoiding people OOC always creates a feedback loop and tanks my activity and motivation

four, I just have to force myself to tag every day. even if it's just one super-fast network tag, I have to do something, and I have to have some kind of accountability to someone else. maybe I'll start doing a public weekly "did cinna do her fucking tags" tracking plurk or something

and reward myself when I keep up with it

idk

and I know I'm going to be way busier once school starts, especially if I keep working at sbux, but it's not having free time that's the issue, it's my bad habits and executive dysfunction

I have plenty of time, and I know I'll still have time for RP once school starts, it's just a matter of using that time

if I can get myself together, having less free time and more structure may actually help, because it's really lack of structure/schedule/good habits/accountability that I struggle with

here's hoping

so, yeah. that's where I am right now

:/

ragweed <3 you've been super sweet and I've been really excited to play with you, it's just been /waves hands vaguely/ all this shit

all this shit.
i'm looking forward to seeing you back, I miss playing with you and I'd like to do more. I'll be cheering for you.

Also cheering and I will pounce on you when you're back. lmk if there's any way I can help, plotting, tagging, etc <3

<3 thanks guys

sigh

just another chapter in the saga of "I should be medicated and in behavioral therapy but psychiatrists are expensive and all of them kick you out on your ass if you mention adult executive dysfunction" lmfao

I shall eagerly await your return!

Life gets crazy and all sorts of things happen, so just take your time. Cheering you on too