I called my dad this afternoon and he called me back

he called me back from the house phone-- which I had listed as mom's contact because she used to call me from the house

imagine my surprise when "Katie B*****" showed up on my caller id. thats my mom.

its sickening, the hope that collides with the harsh reality of her death.

like she's just waited a year to call me

"Hey, honey, how are you??"

I hung up with him after we talked and just cried.

I'm still crying. my eyes are swollen shut and I just feel really raw, and empty. and sad.

and I realize that this is one of the first times where I've forced myself to take hold of a sad situation and just roll with it. to just. cry.

I usually make myself laugh at how dumb the sobs sound. I'll make fun of myself to lighten it for me and anyone else who might be awkwardly standing close.

I cant do it with people yet. I can barely do it with bun.

coming to terms with this is like grabbing insanity by the shoulders and staring it in the eye, demanding it's submission.

it's just. not possible for me. not right now. maybe not ever.

it's hard to believe that an hour ago I was laughing and happy and now I've fallen into this pit where I cant get out.

suffocating. like the memory of her is both suffocating me and slipping through my fingers.

i'm really glad that you went through with the crying and let it out babe :C

it's hard and it's awful but it's still the best thing to do sometimes and you need that

Oh. Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine...