I. am. anxious.

I am anxious about relationships, anxious about bun. anxious about weather, anxious about work.

bun is always in a bad mood in the morning and sometimes I feel like he takes it out on me

not purposefully but he just. isnt a morning person.

my feelings and opinions matter and I just need to tell him but I am overwhelmed with this feeling of just

being a pain in the ass. not being easy to get along with.

I tell him what I am feeling and what I need for the most part but he is a very bad listener. i tell him things like "send me flowers every now and then" and "if i look decent please tell me" and he just does not

and so I sit here, self doubting, feeling like I just need to feel comfortable in my own skin before I start depending on other people to tell me how it is

I am miserable. I am mourning and grieving almost constantly. I've started running and it is legitimately one of the only things that brings me joy.

I feel disconnected from...everyone. I'm not in any games. I'm not active on plurk or anywhere, really. I'm just. lonely. and I dont know how to reach out.

on top of every emotional and mental block I'm experiencing...I've developed some intense weather anxiety.

like. clouds make my heart squeeze and I just want to be at home and with my cats.

clouds give me anxiety. rain is fine. dark clouds are horrible. I am constantly on the cusp of a breakdown when I check the weather at work and it says "strong storms".

bun and I started carpooling and I saw the weather and asked him if we could leave early today and he was like "I cant promise anything" and of course he can't promise anythibg

everyone around me is fine, and I just want to be fine also and I just

I feel small and choked and uncomfortable and I just dont know what to do

I'm trying to not cry at my desk because holy shit I have so much to be thankful for

I have so much to live for and so much to do and

why am I like this? why is there such a strong disconnect? what do i do to make it stop?

it's like a crowded room arguing in my head and I dont have control over any of it.

on top of all of this, I receive a hefty sum of money from a trust fund my parents made before they passed away

and I feel like bun hasn't spent a dime since I got it and I've just been spending everything trying to give us a more comfortable life and

it feels wrong to expect money from him, but I am on the brink of just buying myself flowers and taking myself out for vacations and just. I'm so tired of him just shrugging his shoulders and enjoying the benefits of what I received while I spend every God damn waking moment wanting to give it all back for a chance to be with my parents again

it is wrong. we're married and we're in this together and hes been supportive and good to me but

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

and then we spend an hour in a car on the way to work, just feeling sick to my stomach because he's in this irreversible bad mood and I was in a great mood because I'm a morning person.

I am just a bundle of anxious nerves and my appointment isnt until tomorrow and I'm just gonna retreat to the bathroom and cry because I cant handle this right now.

ok I just sat outside and...I feel better but also worse.

today...is a mighty struggle.