I'm angry with no where to put it.

I keep thinking about my last memories of everyone else that's died.

part of the anger comes from when my father-in-law died. he was healthy, never abused his body but died of cancer.

now we have my brother with all these health problems and has abused his body rather than seeking help

he's been almost dead several times over the past 15 years

this... will likely be the last time

it's the unfairness that hurts

I'm mad this was preventable

just everything hurts

I keep seeing my father-in-law last days

and I keep thinking I don't want to see that kind of deterioration again and have it stuck forever

I'm not going anywhere with this I'm just trying to get this mess of emotions out

then maybe I can understand it

I'm just so tired of dealing with death in my family

I'm afraid this'll be another cascade of death like 2014

I know no one lives forever

but I'm tired of piles of grief

suffering that bothers me. death dragged on for years... instead of just having them be happy or content before the end

grandma's death hurt but she didn't suffer and was... content.

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore

I've sad here crying just trying to understand

I'm never going to understand fully but just a little would be nice

crying does help even if I feel horrible during

I'll probably bury myself in distractions soon... I'm just trying to get the emotions out as they come

I don't want the crushing grief that sent me into a downward spiral in '12

I'm not doing that again