This year has been just a lot of bad things happening globally and personally and I’m so worn down. Just. I got excited about maybe?? One? Good? Thing?

Anyway this year is shit, my life is kind of fucking awful and All my friends’ lives are kind of fucking awful, and I have no more capacity to keep positive.

I'm so sorry, I was really happy for you to see a nice little positive moment

Im so sorry dear

asdfsdg

I really am just. Like, it’s not even that happening that’s the problem.
I spent all day yesterday fighting with Mike, and he kicked shit off again this morning

And I want to leave but I’m semi-immobile and this quarantine and also I have nowhere to go.

And no consistent work

That was part of the point of apprenticing; the eventuality was that I’d be self-sufficient enough to leave, and have a skill I could use anywhere

We’ve been going to counseling but it’s not changing anything for me. I’ve done work and made efforts but I haven’t seen anything but superficial work from him, and now this two-day Knick down drag out is just driving home that I don’t want to deal with him anymore.

He has zero consideration for me and the empathetic range of a mop.

And at times when an apology would do wonders, he insists on talking about perspective and intent and no one being at fault, and honestly, that shit get so wearying

ugh

Sometimes, you need to just say you’re sorry.

seriously

Ugh. God damn it mike n

...it's weird for me because I get depression and pride and coping with guilt by intellectualizing or diverting to intentions and so forth, but when you're obviously explicitly making things toxic for someone else and you've talked about it specifically, you... try to stop doing the toxic things????

Yesterday I was trying to talk to him because I assumed he wasn’t busy, as I had been in his office several minutes earlier and he was just fucking around on Reddit. I said “hey you should’ve told me you were working” and he got really curt with me and was like “just assume Monday through Friday, 8-5, I’m working.” And then later had the fucking nerve to say

The reason he responded that way is because I wasn’t nice enough about my comment

I said it conversationally, in passing????

???

Like fuck right off???

I super don't get the noncommunication thing

And then I tried to tell him today why I feel overwhelmed and sad and this other thing just contributed, he started in again about yesterday ??? And he keeps doing this “I want to have a conversation with you!!!” Thing where it’s not a conversation, it’s that he wants to talk at me

And lol I really could have just used some comfort and chill, but no, he had things in his head that he needed to make sure I heard!!! Even though I kept saying no I’m not doing this right now

...it sounds like he's trying to use jargon in place of actual communication

Oh also he compared emotional communication and analysis to math, where 1+1=2 so if I ask “Am I bothering you?”, he doesn’t need to do any analysis and can just be okay responding with “No”.

Sure, that works for some people. That doesn’t work for ME

like "if I call this a conversation, that means it counts as communication, no matter what i actually say or do"

And emotions aren’t math.

Exacerangutan: yes

Bingo

//rubs face//

Also he vanished for two hours last night and I’m pretty sure he spent that time talking to his mother about all this. Which I don’t begrudge him needing an ear, but his mother

...as someone who often is actually bad at these things, that's not actually an excuse for trying to lifehack it away. ._. You can provide the caveat of being bad at it but it's only a caveat and the opening to an apology, not permission to not bother anymore. :|

I’m so fucking tired. And I wish I could say this was because of the quarantine and him always being around, but he teleworked 75% of the time BEFORE

Yeah I’m

Yeah

And fairly, I’m not being particularly Communicative or Nice or Compromising right now, but that’s more to do with being fucking sick of it.

I’m not going to get into bitter ever circling fights with someone who’s not making an effort at my level, and perpetually expects me to meet them at their level of perspectives and non-empathy.

I mean no one can be expected to hold up their side forever when the other side either refuses to participate or tries to fake it

I'm so sorry I wish I could do something to help

I can't even begin to imagine how stressful and claustrophobic it must feel to be stuck in this situation

I really hope you can get out and back on your apprenticeship soon

Well we just had yet another fight

That lasted two hours.

I’m so fucking drained. Like.

Please, if the universe could just cut me a fucking break.

asdfsdfg I'm sorry

I wish I knew a way to help besides commiserating =/

Oh jeeze

I mean it ended better than the last two, and we have some solutions for moving forward

but I'm eying the balcony and thinking about how much gin I have left.

Oh Evie. I'm so sorry. That is so much to have to deal with right now. And you're right that emotions aren't math, and he really should be taking yours into account. At all.