I feel like 'pressure' is a good content warning because LORT the world is crazy and expects a lot right now.

a little pretext in this-- squish is very, very distant from mom's side of the family. Namely, grandparents and several aunts and uncles.

the reason being that my late mother was abused and bullied by them. Grandma told her that she looked like a whore in her homecoming dress. Mom got little to no praise, little to no celebration, and...well, drowned her sorrows and depressions and anxieties in alcohol.

grandpa let it happen. Sweet as pie, but...he let it happen. And mom lived the first twenty five years of her life in someone else's shadow, and rejected, as dad put it, by grandma.

she met dad and they fell in love, got married. Dad was also an alcoholic, and a drug user. They healed each other, and themselves.

they had me and my big brother, Graham.

fast forward twenty five more years...

mom and dad have saved a lot of money, and they've loved long and happy lives together with us. Grandma and grandpa are an afterthought, but mom is trying to be respectful of them and talk to them because...they're her parents, and she felt like that was her obligation.

mom has a stroke in the bathroom of her house, and slams her head into a bar. She dies in the ambulance. Dad is left alone, in a big house, full of things that remind him of her, of his life partner, and he is so depressed that I worried he would take his own life, and visited so often that I was positive he was going to be tired of me.

a year passes, and dad has lost at least 60 pounds. he's got esophageal cancer. grandma and grandpa are no where to be seen, despite the fact that dad has consistently spoken with them. Because, he said, mom would have wanted him to.

another five months pass, and dad passes away on a Sunday, after everyone but my brother and the hospice nurse leave. I make it in right after he's gone.

my brother and I are in mental, emotional, and for me, physical agony.

both parents gone, within the same two years. Everyone that knew them said "They were so happy, and they were so young." and it hurts us on a level that I could never begin to explain.

grandma and grandpa, who forced us to have a memorial for mom against mine, dad's, and my brother's wishes, remember that my parents had given them money in the past. Lots of money.

they decide that now is the time to start forcing themselves over. They were not included in the will, and the only way to get money from my parents now...is through me and my brother.

so, unanimously, my brother and I blocked their numbers, and said no. and god, when I tell you that me and my grandpa were close...we were close. He was my only grandpa I'd ever had.

but Grandpa and Grandma come as a set. and while grandpa was fine on his own, together....they were toxic. they are toxic.

they called myself and my brother, left messages, they want to see us. They want to talk.

we don't. They're blocked. Ignored. They're toxic, now. We already had so much to deal with. Mom and dad's estate-- going through the items on dad's will...selling our childhood home.

god. It was so hard. I could not have done it without Graham. we'd be in huge trouble without our uncle, though he is complicated.

regardless....we said no. And they kept calling.

never an 'i love you,' or 'we're worried about you and we care, and we're here when you're ready.' always the same... "We want to talk. We want to see you."

a phone number. hanging up the phone.

it's haunting. It's sad. And....it is something I'd just accepted.

today they started calling again, and this time it's worse. Because it's the same message.

but it's grandpa. And with everything going on...I've been thinking about him a lot.

Outside of bun's family, I...have my brother. He's 30, and healthy. Bun is 28 and also healthy. His family is a bunch of athletic buffs and they're being smart about this whole covid-19 thing. Staying inside as directed, and being cautious.

fuck, man.....I knew about some of this but squish I'm so so sorry

yeah.....yeah. Me too. There's never anything really good to say about situations like this. I wish they'd stop calling me though.

like...my phone blocks the call, but accepts the voicemail? And androids are great about making sure you never miss a voicemail

>:C so...every voicemail I get without a phone call, the anxiety strikes. Surely, this is grandpa. Calling because he wants to talk. And he wants to see me.

i'm just so tired. I texted my brother, and he said the same thing my brain is saying. "Grandpa is just as guilty as grandma, and I think it's better if you just ignore it."

hold the phone away from your ear and just let it play, then delete it.

that's good advice

I haven't spoken with my grandparents, or seen then....in over a year? in over about a year and a half.

it's hard, but god...I know that it's the right choice. I just wish my extremely fragile kokoro would get with the heckin' program and just

you know?

yeah

because of course I care about them. They're family. but I'm not going to let the word 'family' come between me and my life that I'm rebuilding. which is weird to say...

it makes sense tho

family can be who you choose

it breaks my actual heart when i hear people saying things like "i can't say no. they're family." or "I can't leave them alone. They're family." because...because you're right. Family is who we choose-- and the wording should be

I can't leave them alone because I care about them. I can say no, but I'm choosing to say yes and help them out. Because I love them, and they're good for my life."

my grandparents, and the toxic aunts and uncles and grandkids....i love them. but thy don't contribute anything positive to my life.

it breaks me up inside. i wish that i could trust them to talk to us and not about the money. to worry about us. to love us.

everytime i get a call from them, i'm thrown into his horrible funk where i just want to sleep and cry in no particular order. bun normally gets mad for me, which i appreciate. hhhhnnghh.

ok i'm good. well, not really good, but good enough to sleep. >:C thanks for coming to my really sad ted talk, y'all. more upbeat vibes and cats tomorrow.

hugs you so hard

Smooches gently

I'm glad getting it out helped you. I hope you sleep well. I'm so sorry this is happening and I hope it gets better in time. Whatever that better is, as long as it makes your life a little brighter.