my name is Squish, and I have a special relationship with Weight.

ugh me

all my life I've been overweight. growing up, there was a perfect number to be. mom and dad tried to remind me that I need to feel happy with myself-- if I don't feel happy with myself, I need to take care of it. but

a scale is just a number. a milestone or a set back, depending on what side you look at it from.

I told myself that for years because losing weight? is hard. its fuckin' hard.

eating like crap. being lazy when I can. attributing it to stress or something I can't see because its easier. and that isn't to say that it just true...stress is a huge factor of weight gain and weight loss.

oof. I'm 5'9.5 and I am 272 pounds. that is insane. thats actually one of the craziest things I've ever heard. I'm in shock.

I don't think I look it because I'm pretty tall, so the weight distributes but this is the heaviest I've been in my entire life. I'm still in shock.

and I wish I could say that I feel good and beautiful and it doesn't matter but....I don't feel beautiful. and I don't feel great. my reflux is coming back. I am more insecure than I've ever been.

I'm gonna try this again. I'm gonna take pictures and try to routine-- I have actually NOTHING but time. at least get to a point where I start feeling good again.

man. man. I am trying to shake it off but I'm spooked. I didn't think you could get spooked by a number???? why is that a thing???

blehhh. blehhhhhhhh.

because in your mind you feel like you're spiraling out of control

I feel the same way about struggling with adhd and keeping my house clean-- there's a stab of panic whenever there's a huge pile of dishes in the sink because I think "how did I let things get this bad"

the thing I try to tell myself is that everyone's struggling with routine right now, not just me, and beating myself up about it isn't going to change things

Yeah, I'm with Kaiya on this.

yeah...this is true...

blehhh. man. wow.

this is a big mood heck

oh big mood

I lost thirty pounds on weight watchers, then quarantine hit... and I definitely ate my stress. I FREAKED a couple days ago, I know this feel