also I don't know how to handle it when someone else pays for my meal.

but I got to see a friend I haven't seen in two years and she did everything she could to make me feel comfortable, and then I found a house for my prickle's cage.

Also going to talk a little about my lunch and about being "out" about being autistic.

The girl I met up with, I've known for y E A RS. She's a genuinely nice, compassionate, funny, cheerful person. I haven't seen her in ages like I said, and it was like we hadn't missed any time at all. (Other than me being tired as fuck. And - well, autism talk next.)

I tend to shred anything paper on the table at restaurants. Straw casings are not safe from me. She sat there watching me roll and roll and roll and tear mine up when it was too worn out to roll anymore --

and then she passed me hers.

The only other person to ever do that is my husband.

I cried about it on the way home because it's seriously the most understanding thing anyone's done since I started letting people know I'm autistic.

AUTISM TALK TIME.

HUGS

People have been so

shitty

to me

I am so glad you got that recognition!

and that she was kind about it!

And the autism diagnosis itself was fucking harrowing. Like. I hope something terribly unfortunate happens to that psychiatrist who did my initial evaluation.

I don't want her dead or like destitute. Just. Miserable for a few weeks.

And people started treating me like I'm dangerous. Or an alien. Or fragile.

:///////

When really, nothing's different between me and others, socially.

I mean other than what's happening in my head which is the constant worrying / self-monitoring / analyzing every word

And people who aren't shitty try to be over-nice / over-compassionate / "Cookie Woke". Telling me "Oh you don't need to mask" or like. Kid gloves with everything.

urghhh

1. Yeah. I need to mask. If I stop masking, you will be uncomfortable and I will know it.

You don't know what you're asking.

that's so-- ugh

2. S...top. I'm not stupid, I'm not broken. I'm just anxious and awkward.

transilience: IT REALLY. IS.

And yyy it was really validating.

What my friend did, I mean. ;.;

like! it's not their business how you choose to cope with interacting with them!

yes

I have this one friend who consistently interrupts me to tell me I don't need to mask

and I'm like. :\ Please. Let me get my sentences out.

oh my god

It's not really on the same level but ISN'T IT as taking control of a person's wheelchair without their consent.

like, no, that's not trying to make you feel at ease! that's about what THEY need from you emotionally

I realized she's trying to help and make me more comfortable and that it has to do with her own discomfort

yeah

YES

she wants to feel like she can just magically understand you unfiltered

problematically
putting a person with autism in a position of having to do emotional labor because of their autism

and that you're never uncomfortable around her

is kind of horrible

and i'm sorry, lady, it's called a disability for a reason

yeah

I mean. I'm still struggling with the diagnosis, myself. I was told for a long time I just have social anxiety disorder and if I just really work at it, someday I will be all better! Normal! Like all these awesome people who can function in groups and loud sounds!

don't tell someone they don't ~need~ to do a behavior when they CLEARLY DO

uuuuuugh.

So being told that I'm never going to be able to scale that hill is horrible, and then being confronted by other people who are uncomfortable with me specifically because of a thing I can't change

but they're people who like me

yeah that's SUPER shitty

And yeah - I have this one friend who's not good at all with people, and masks heavily

and like, the point of an autism dx is so that you know what the actual problem is, so you can figure out more effective ways to live your life

she writes about it a lot, talking about how people tell her she doesn't need to mask and she's just like. "Yes. Yes I do. Because if I don't, I stim, I stare, I twitch, I panic."

uuuuuuugh

"And no one really wants to see the ugly autism."

yes yes yes precisely thank you ;.;

the label has helped me get the right treatment from doctors.

and -- yeah

It helped me find a therapist who specifically works with autistic adults who didn't have social skills training as kids.

so people in your life can SUPPORT YOU MORE EFFECTIVELY, THAT ONE FRIEND.

(...Or who have C-PTSD.)

yes

What's been wild is people I've known for years or family members who try to connect with me now, but get put off because I'm just a little too autistic for their tastes

I lose the ability to mask as well when I'm stressed because meltdowns occur in stressful environments or as the result of trauma, and COVID has been nothing if not one big stressor. So I'm constantly bouncing my leg or ripping paper or playing with my rings or losing my ability to talk or interrupting etc etc

people don't really want to deal with that

(What's similarly wild is I don't want to be doing the thing I'm doing)

(But I can't make it stop)

Anyway all that to say, not commenting and just handing me her straw paper was so wonderful and I love her.

transilience: and thank you for reading and commenting and sharing a little. It's shit to know it's a shared experience but it's also validating.

back sorry had to attend to the cat

you are very welcome! I am everyone's Crotchety Autistic Auntie

HAVE you read the murderbot diaries, btw?

Iiii have not!

I can hook you up with the first four volumes, quiet-like

they give me a loooooot of Autism Feels

>.> I'm reading the synopsis and uh. I just finished Dread Nation and am looking for something new. Might just quiet-like accept those. >.>

(Autism Feels(tm) is my go to term for fictional stuff that's like. ostensibly not Actually About Autistic Characters, but WHOO do they resonate for reasons)

one moment!

epub or mobi?

(Always here for non-male sci fi authors anyhow)

(oh heck me too)

ummmMMMMmM whichever goes on Kindle

sobs i'm a luddite

and tbh the whole AI everyman / learning humanity arc in a lot of sci fi is "Autism Feels". ;.;

https://file.io/1yXQJwIx7frz

YES IT IS

Bicentennial Man (IDR the book's name), Data and Seven of Nine in Star Trek, etc.

thank you much!!

welcome! I need more people to screech about them with

All Systems Red is the first one, and there's a sequence fairly early on that's... literally "you don't need to mask!"

well every time I vanish to my hammock I read so. SOON >:3

...ahaha. GreAt

"Thanks, friend. I'll keep that in mind."

🦔🌸🦔🌸🦔🌸

AHHHHH

STEALS

transilience: I read the first chapterrrr i see what you mean because daMn sensory overload right there with the emergency channel / people talking at the main character

it's very good so far, I'm going to keep on keeping on with it, thank you

YAY I'M GLAD YOU DIG IT

murderbot: pls i just want to lie here and watch soaps and regrow my organs in peace

...mood tho

right???

Murderbot's living the dream from the perspective of someone with a neurotypical husband. :|

hahaha sob