You know that one post where it's like, "Adulthood is just saying 'next month will be easier' over and over"? Because yeah. That.

And I get it. I do. I have chosen to do these things and I get a lot of joy out of like, most of the things I've chosen to do.

I have cut out a lot of the stuff that feels more like obligation and I've cut ties with some of the people that make me feel the same way. I am doing the things I want to do, and the things that for the most part make me happy. There are some things that I'm not like 100% YES on, but those are either family things or Scott things.

And I'm learning to compromise where I can, and enforce boundaries where I can't. Sometimes the answer is no, and no does not require explanation.

I am putting just a metric crapton of energy into charity stuff and mask making and having a relationship, right now (in that order), and I really, really wish I had more energy to put into other things too. I miss RP, still. I miss making art. I miss a lot of friends I haven't been able to keep up with.

And like... idk. I have in the past really resented when relationships seem to take precedence over art or friends, whether it was my relationships or other people's. I haven't figured out how to balance it all. I don't want to be that person whose romantic life just totally eclipses everything else they used to love.

And yeah, I've talked with him about it. How I miss writing and art. But I think the issue isn't the relationship so much as it is the charity work.

And the work work, on those instances we get paid to make appearances.

.... And the work work where I'm trying very hard to catch up on etsy orders, lol. I have felt like the thing I do to make money finally aligns with Doing Good Things in the world and with Fandom Stuff, which are two things that my previous job super did not have.

The masks will probably keep going strong for the coming winter and then taper off in spring, and by next year as more people are vaxxed the need probably won't be as great. But right now the busy season is really getting going.

And I am just ... struggling to find time to fit in writing and non-work art. Because when I have the time to rest, I am making myself rest, because burnout is no joke.

As it is this just ... isn't really sustainable. It's not the same as when I was Depressed for years and years and just fading into my RP stuff but I don't know if it's actively better or just Different.

(thank you to folks who are still following me and stuff even though I haven't really RPed in well over a year and have no idea when I'm going to be able to do it again)

I am honestly just sitting on this Sylvie app for TLV trying to determine whether I can actually, you know... play.

I know that feel