okay so because my situation is pretty normal-but-with-asterisks, I get a lot of scans. Also because half of the stuff they use to detect and treat cancer also creates a risk of giving you different cancer, so basically I'm in the hospital so much that the guys at the front desk know me

I went for a semi-regular round of Stuff with my medicine friends like... two-ish weeks ago? Maybe 3 weeks at this point, had the guy in nuclear medicine let me skip the paperwork because he already knows my situation, got some good interdepartmental gossip, all chill

but then THE IMMEDIATE PHONE CALL. always a sign that chill things are about to become less chill

they found a spot on one of my vertebrae and also something on a lung

and I've had a lot of back pain recently so it was like WELP my spine is broken

very

Fred Sanford - This is the big one! I'm dyin'!

so they rally the troops per usual and set me up for a different scan. But because there's a shortage of Contrast in addition to the shortage of Everything these days, I had to wait three weeks

just sitting around waiting to hear about my shroedinger's cancer

very "COULD BE NOTHING might be everything HAVE FUN SLEEPING"

I did my tests yesterday and another immediate phone call. So I was like "lol okay this bodes well"

but so the stuff in my back wasn't actually a spine thing but more evidence of some muscular fuckery, so I probably pulled a muscle in my back sometime during the big sprint toward finals this term

that's cool that's fine, I'm at the last vestiges of my thirties, none of us have a functional back

but the lung thing is a thing

so they were like "it's pretty definitely a cancer but we need to know what kind of cancer" bc if it's more adventures of traveling breast cancer then they need to change my current treatment plan but if it's lung cancer then that's a whole different situation

so they were like "we need to send this to some people and make an appointment to get this shit biopsied clear out your schedule to come do hospital things"

so I had like 24 hours to google about the different methods to get lung cells for testing and tbh they're all different kinds of horror movies

they called back today and I was like "OKAY WHEN DOES SOMEONE SHOVE A TUBE UP MY NOSE OR STAB A NEEDLE IN MY BACK I GOT THIS" and they were like "lol WELL"

apparently the spot they're sus about is in a location that can't be reached without a really invasive procedure that would fuck up the lung more than it would help it

and I'm like "cool breathing is overrated, got it"

but the decision is to keep watching it for now, because it's very small

and they'll go in if they have to but right now they don't want to do a major organ surgery for minimal gain

so it's lowkey like when the dentist is like "well I see a bunch of little cavities starting but we're just gonna put a watch on them"

and that's basically the update?

new cancer, still ambiently wondering if I'm going to make it to 40 (flashbacks to 2019 when I asked that question and my oncologist was like "lol of course you are don't be silly")

god

Jessie I'm so sorry

but like. Not in the super depressing way? Like I GET IT it sounds like I want to start a pity party but those make me feel weird

jesus thats so much. im sorry you gotta do this song and dance all over again

Jessie.

but I also spent the last couple of weeks being like "fshdjkg STUFF'S GOING ON AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT YET ASK ME LATER"

i have both questions and sentiments but i can also sum it up via emote so...

your body needs to chill out half a goddamn minute

and it would be rude for me to not cycle back

guys it's cool I'm an overachiever

achieve less in this one area jessie

I've been acting like a 40 year old since I was 12

it was bound to catch up

This is a lot for you to deal with!! Hoping things stay manageable

I know the cavity situation and this sounds worse. Man, that sucks

i have some strong words for this new blob of naughty cells

better stay small and behave itself if it knows whats good for it

regarding ALL of this. :[

I'm just like

man I'm still not old enough to start getting routine mammograms

I find it highly offensive if I croak from this thing before I'm old enough to start screening for it

oh but also I DID do some writing for the penance event at the hospital so if it's janky or incoherent then I hope Chi catches it and fixes it before she clicks post on the plotting

which is my way of being like sorry there were no tags but also guys get hype let's make some fake people feel real bad

I'm so sorry, that's a lot to deal with. Your body had better behave for sure

my body is an asshole when do I get to upload my consciousness somewhere

Oof I'm sorry that's a lot. I hope it stays not giving you trouble and they can leave your lung alone.

man, jessie. i am so sorry to hear you're going through all this.

I hope the spot stays small or goes tf away. we're here for you if you need it. pm me, message, anything. it sucks that you're still fighting this, but damn are you kicking ass. we love you

it's okay, my hip cancer needed company anyway

they can send each other cute messages through the white blood cells

I hope WBC-san kicks them both in the face

Oh I don't think that's how WBC-san interacts with cancer

I think it's like. cancer makes the WBC community its bitch and that's why all the treatments involve some level of immunosuppression

you stop it from getting worse by nerfing the immune system because it's being fucking rude

that's how I understand it at least

basically

man, that sucks. but i am glad the back stuff is just like the rest of us elder millenials, at the very least

MAN SAME

my mentor professor had lung cancer and his spine is where it spread first so I had a lot of feelings thinking back to the last time I saw him when he kept fidgeting in his chair because nothing was comfortable anymore

though LOL when I was talking to my oncologist's PA about my back I was like "MAN it's great this is normal" and she was like "actually if you pulled it badly enough for it to show up on a scan that's a big deal do you want pain meds...." and I was like LOL I haven't even tried advil yet I PROBABLY SHOULD GIVE THAT A SHOT

like I'm just like "oh well life is suffering" that if I ever tell someone that something hurts they're like "omg let's look into this"

so naturally i am too far away to do anything tangibly useful but if you set up an e-mail account for your lung blob then it will hear some strong and very rude words from me to stay in its fucking lane

LOL that's okay none of my offline people are tangibly useful either

OKAY GIVE ME THEIR E-MAILS AND THEY WILL ALSO HEAR SOME STRONG WORDS ABOUT THAT

LOL

thank you

"Jessie why is some weirdo screaming at me to do your grocery shopping"

oh man it would be DOPE if I could become more of a shut-in and get someone to fetch groceries for me

frankly the least you deserve cosmically in exchange for your situation is a free grocery servant

eh, generally offline people are big on "omg whatever you need" until I ask for something, and then it's "oh but that would be inconvenient for me why aren't you thinking of ME tho"

I skipped a birthday party and have been told that there was massive shit talked about me

fwiw i can be a whatever you need offline person if i am not booked. you are very much in range to fuss over and do favors for.

I mean at some point you are going to come here and hang out with my cat

I HOPE it's just for "I took a vacation" purposes but also Pepper likes people

KITTY!!

yeah I think you talked about that before and I've sadly heard it elsewhere as well, it's LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED until you need shit and then it's like "what do you mean that wasn't just supposed to be a phrase like how do you do"

also what the hell @ birthday party okay change of plans i don't want emails i want addresses i will break into all their homes steal their nicest shit and gift it to you as rudeness tax

it's fine, I hated those people long before they started talking shit about me

all the more reason to go "nah I'm not going" to an event where I know I would be expected to be civil

pffft those people suck, i have done smol literal crimes for friends who needed things i will do the thing. i'll help you move... sign you out after medical procedures... come over at 1am to medicate your cat... pick you up from the hell that is laguardia... i have done all these things.

omg a true friend

one of my buds works from home and is moving into the next town over so I'm HOPING he'll be willing to handle any "I need someone to drive me home after I've been unconscious" stuff

but I also haven't asked him yet. But he has never said no to me in our entire friendship and I don't intend to stop bullying him now

that would be more convenient but also fucking try me!! if a favor is within my power i make shit happen...

....i don't think i have an aggressive enough emote

perhaps ???

omg that goose

Awake doesn't mean I'm coherent enough to verbally respond to this.

I also can be put on the driving list if you need it! just let me know.

jfc. I can't believe people won't do something as small as get your groceries or pick you up from a medical procedure. like wtf

oh I mean half of that is because I don't ask

I just don't ask because they're so "ehhhhhhhh" about the things I DO ask for

What a bunch of jerks.

Damn

comes back into this plurk to grouse

hope everyone who doesn't care still has it muted but like

so today I go by my mom's for dinner

we order takeout from my uber, but I wasn't paying enough attention and forgot to switch the address, so it went to my place

no big deal, I live 10 minutes away

so I go "LOL, dinner at my place?"

and she stares at me and goes "I'm not getting up"

and waits for me to get in my car, pick it up, and bring it back over

and sometimes all the little things just pile together

I’m so, so sorry

That’s so frustrating

wtf

oh no

I'm sorry you're going through so much.

"oh well more for me", drive home, eat both shares, never come back, profit

HEY, STOP OVERACHIEVING.

Do keep us posted but I’m at least glad to hear that what they found is small... I’m sorry, you keep getting piled on :c

I missed this when you first updated it but I wish I was local so I could help with grocery pickup or rides :|