I'm putting this here because a. the person triggering the RSD isn't here, and b. Hopefully someone here will be able to offer some advice or just... idk, listen

So like... I'm fairly well used to the whole "nobody likes me everybody hates me" flavor of RSD and I've been able to combat that with actual logic and facts, e.g. friends I am in regular contact with affirming that they like me, security in my relationships with friends I'm not even in regular contact with

But my brain has decided to focus attention on one specific person (A) for some unknown reason, yay? Like. Okay. In the Before Times whenever we were at events or cons we got along really well, we have a lot in common, we've helped each other out. She's a little younger and reminds me of myself at that age (perhaps a problem here)

Lockdown happened, everyone is still pretty much in contact digitally one way or another, she's part of The Bubble. It's all good, no problems.

She took a social break for a while maybe earlier this year to kind of just cope and I'm like, okay, cool. Now, while she was on this break I debated just checking in - not expecting an answer, just to let her know I hope she's okay. I didn't do this, figuring if she's on a social break there's a reason for it and i don't want to add to the pressure.

At this point I can see she's spending a lot more time with person ( who does not get along with The Bubble and there's this whole History of B kind of leaching off people emotionally and A is a giving type and it's just. I get worried because I know how I would be with B if it were me 6-7 years ago. I'd probably drop everything and it would just be all B.

.... I forgot plurk did this thing with emojis oh well

Anyway, I try to remind myself that A is a grownup and can make her own choices but ever since she's spending time with B ... like nobody has seen or heard from her much. And a lot of her posts have been about how angry and drained she is all the time. And I like ... don't want to cast aspersions but I feel like B is just taking advantage.

And idk how much of this is actual concern and how much is just honest to goodness jealousy. I have kept my distance from B intentionally, so as not to get caught up in her orbit. B is very charismatic and in the past invited me to some functions and I accept, but I keep my energies to myself, so to speak.

So here's where the RSD comes in. I have reached out to A ... usually to ask for favors, because I feel like unless I have A Reason to talk to her, my messages go ignored. I realized this recently and knowing that she is drained and overworked I wrote a big dumb apology email at like 2am saying I don't mean to only contact her to ask for stuff and be a drain

And that was all spurred on by this notion that "I bet B is telling her terrible things about me, that I'm using her, and only talking to her when I want something instead of actually being a friend." Now I don't KNOW this. It's just my brain being weird at me.

She has not responded to the email. She hasn't talked to me like at ALL since then. She hasn't replied to any of my comments on her posts. Other people? Sure.

And I'm just like.... I fucked up. I fucked up by sending the email and now I look weird and clingy, I did it again, this is how I ruin my friendships

And okay. Recently I did actually ask some other friends what was up because they hadn't been talking to me or involving me in much lately so finally I just TALKED to them, in person, and asked them what did I do. At first it was a lot of "oh nothing" but it came out that I had forgotten birthdays, been late to a lot of stuff without contact, etc

Basically the kind of stuff that I can blame on ADHD, and like, using that as an excuse just ... like, I can't just brush this stuff off as "oh it's my ADHD"

But I still don't know what's up with A, if anything; I know she's feeling burnt out and may also have ADHD, and I want to accommodate that. I want to trust her. But I also don't know why tf my brain has latched onto her specifically as The Person to determine whether I'm like. Likable. it makes no sense.

I keep wondering what I did wrong. I keep taking it personally that she'll respond to everyone else. I keep going over shit in my head like maybe I asked for too much or assumed too much, and now my dumb brain has just blown it all out of proportion and I am finding it so difficult to just let the fuck go because that's a lot?

Am I too much, am I too demanding, did B say shit about me, whyyyyyy am I making this matter so damn much

Gonna be honest im even second guessing myself with this whole plurk hahahaha

man, this is a mood, and so hard to get rid of

i'm sorry

1. I did not do anything wrong
2. A emailed me back and it was solid and good
3. probably a lot of weird compounded failures which are not actually

like, I have also been working almost nonstop today on making my Captain Marvel summer suit presentable for these parades we're doing on the 3rd (so, today). today started out so good. I found a pattern and followed the instructions and everything! except for the liner because the idea is its supposed to be good for hot weather

and it was a shirt! and I felt pretty okay about it and then I put it on and it mostly fit, then I put the chest piece on and it was BAD. like everything in my head was like "nope this ain't it" and it was like my whole world fell apart and I'm just.

I don't know why my brain is like betraying me like this but I don't like it. I barely ate or watered today which is not helping. It's nearly 3am and I need sleep, I have to leave at 9am haha.

and it's like ... yeah I'm determined to be my signature character tomorrow. this is the whole point of the summer suit. but it is just .... not well made and I'm mad at myself about it because like, I'm actually trying and it's still bad.

I have a bunch of other characters approved for events so it's not like I can't do something else. but I am stubbornly set on Carol because I feel like she's the most recognizable? and yet I just... I don't have a suit that is well made, durable, fits well and that I love. and I want that. i have like 4 suits and none are all those things.

I just feel like if I follow the instructions then whatever I make should come out good, right? At least wearable. but I keep modding and jury rigging and it never looks like actual clothes, and I'm like, what am i doing, how can I wear this in public

anyway I am going to bring my imperfect pieces and gwen as a backup. i just. I want to be believable, you know? not just some lady in a costume. the whole point is that the kids thing we're the real deal and how can I do that in a suit with holes in the seams.

I'm not even concerned about being screen accurate perfect this time I just want it to be functional as clothing

if it helps at all i'm pretty sure "holes in the seams" is not a thing kids would notice