ok so for those joining mid-season, breast cancer adventures have been ongoing since 2019, various levels of Dramatic has happened, check the stickied post on my plurk for the full rundown if you want the whole story

when we last left off, they found a suspicious tumor in my lung and went "oh uh let's change your meds"

so tldr those meds fucking sucked

migraines all the time, made me feel like my kidneys were exploding, by the time I could sit up comfortably I was too wiped to produce anything worthwhile

they also gave me heart problems and that was trippy

so I stayed on those since like. August was when we made the switch I think? and then I got a flu shot and my entire respiratory system noped the fuck out

turns out that there's a lot of overlap between chest pains from lung bullshit and an actual cardiac event

and they ended up sending me for a bunch of heart stuff, which doubled as checkup photos for my lung stuff. tumor is twice the size it was before, so the general consensus was like "uh OK let's change the meds again"

the weird peekaboo thing in my spine is also visible again, leaving questions about whether it's just back pain or cancer, always fun, love that ambiguity

cancer knows how to set up a cliffhanger for sure

the next med is an iv chemo, so it's back to hanging out with hospital fam down in the injection ward

also back to being a hat person - didn't miss that, but who needs eyelashes anyway tbh

I'm not sure if the "my kidney is exploding" feel will come back or not, but I would appreciate having enough left of my brain to craft a paragraph now and then

allegedly it's gentler on the brain fog than some of the stuff I've been on, but I'll believe that when I see it

hey, this blows. i'm sorry you're having to deal with this

jesus, im sorry. you deserve so much better than this garbage

I'm so sorry, Jessie, this is so much. It's so crappy that meds that are supposed to be helping you tank your quality of life so badly.

this is some high tier bullshit from the meds side, that really sucks. i hope it is gentler on the brain fog this time!

it's okay, like! it's this or being dead and I got too much shit to do to be dead

though admittedly at the same time, I do find that I have like 0 patience left for instances where it's like "hey can I have a hand with this" and the hand is not provided

like I get that nobody but me is privy to the long process of building up the nerve to ask for help in the first place, but that's basically the worst time to be pass-agg at me

but that's vague and probably not in the realm of things I should say on plurk

but basically! it's still a flesh wound, I'm not quite dead yet, and some people have been asking about that in a way that made me feel like I should communicate it to other people collectively

Ilu and thank you for being friends with me

I’m glad you’re still here and fighting. sorry that the meds are such a bitch. i watched my dad with his and it wiped him out.

if theres anything that can be done via distance pls holler, sorry you're not getting enough elsewhere :/

It's definitely better than the alternative of being dead, yeah, but still sucks. You're pretty goddamn incredible for fighting through all of this. You're right, you've got too much shit to do!

same as what Akai said, though, if there is anything that can be done via distance... I don't have much but being too far to help with stuff like rides and groceries and stuff, I wish I could do more. I know it's hard to ask for help in the first place.

jessie i love you please let me know if i can provide hands!! i still owe you a joint birthday dinner whenever you are feeling up for that. i take it this update (that it's back to iv) means they're taking you off the gross meds/switching up the regimen entirely again? since last appt it was very ?!?!!?!? in that regard?

(also if you don't want to go out at all, i've got some time before holiday jobs to come out to you with things rather than braving broader civilization)

I can also provide hands as needed! I can drive up and help with things, just let me know

Thank you for the update!

I hope the new meds are less awful

oh god, Jessie, I am so sorry you are going through this.

oh kidney pain is fucking brutal, hopefully that doesn't come back 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

I hope everything will go better than you think!

thaaanks friends

cuddlebug: what YOU can do for me is take care of yourself omg I am not going to ignore your situation the way you like to ignore your situation

iluvroadrunner6: we need to make a date for me to give you cat beds!!

I bought an exercise wheel for my tubby tabby and it was way bigger than I thought it would be and now it's like "welp I really don't have room for these beds" and they need to go to you

also I have not yet met Bonnie and Clyde and that is a goddamn crime

yes absolutely you need to come and make friends with cats.

I assume Clyde is more meetable than Bonnie but like. you know what I mean

I will grab you on discord and we can see where our schedules mesh

I'M DOING MY BEST also my situation would be vastly improved by not being alone with my problems so joint birthday something or other would be potentially good for us both!!

this is basically my last week of in-person teaching so my schedule opens up a lot

winter break, I need you ;-;

oof it's so much! but winter break is on the horizon! i hope you get some actual rest and a break from all the STUFF and reactions, etc

/hugs. Jessie I’m so sorry you are going through all this bs. You are amazing and I’m sending you so much love. If there’s anything I can do from a distance please reach out <3

all of this is so much 😟 like other people have said, the amount of fight in you is incredible! and I'm even more impressed knowing while dealing with all this bs you are still able to deal with the bs that comes from being a teacher

I'M TOO FAR AWAY TO OFFER HANDS but i have lots of other things to offer if you need anything

god I wish I could offer you hands. I'm sorry this all continues to be so much...

i wish i was closer to do more but you know you can always poke me to vent at, or ask for cat photos, i always have new cat photos of lori and pax to provide

I'm so sorry, Jessie :c take care of yourself and I hope things improve soon

oh gosh this is a lot; I hope the iv chemo gets things under control for you and isn't too bad

I'll swing back and answer people in a sec but first I just need a second to scream into a pillow about my stepfather being like "tell me when you have to go to chemo and I'll drive you" as if I would ever give him the chance to do that shit to me again

....oh nooooooo D<

weeks of puffing himself up and telling everyone he knows that he's a Good Person taking care of his wife's Sick Daughter when he's basically just operating as an Uber driver

changing his Facebook profile image to a pink ribbon and making sure the entire internet of Olds knows my business

never once asking how I feel or if I want anything

it's fine, just me still not being over a fight from over a year ago

same dude goes from telling me that "life goes on" in the middle of me trying to explain that I needed support I wasn't getting to being like "oh no this is serious" fuck you it never stopped being serious you just stopped caring about it when my hair grew back

I'm still discovering and unpacking all the fucked up trauma responses I have from that man and I'm put right back on edge every time he decides to barge into my life without asking whether I want him there

but okay. I exhale and make sure people know I appreciate them.

ok I read through everything again and I think it would get redundant to be like "thank you friend I love you" so COLLECTIVELY I love and care about all of you

and will start a new plurk to talk about cat things because that's way more fun

omg Jessie I am so sorry about your stepdad. what the actual fuck.

it's okay! you can probably divide that by half or so. I was just having a moment in my feelings

I am sure it's exactly like that. I see my own dad in that.

I have this cycle about stuff with my parents. They're very concerned about having unsullied reputations so every time I lose my shit a littley next reaction is to backpedal because it would be remiss to have people think poorly of them and then that ends up pushing things too far in one direction or the other

and last week my mother drew an even firmer divide about how she only wants to hear about physical stuff when she asks how I'm doing because she doesn't want to hear about my emotional health and I'm not yet finished having that spiral

oh man :/ that's terrible

I'll get over it when I'm not this deep in my feelings it's not new

late to this but wishing you the best and giving you virtual hugs as I am miles away

jfc

Jessie I'm.... sorry. god damn none of that is what ANYONE needs in your situation

it's like they took a look at a guide for what not to do and just scribbled out the word not for their own convenience

Only concerned with appearance sounds like some narcissistic garbage to me, but that could be my life with my mom speaking

Why are parents like this

why aren't parents better people

because parents are just people

and generationally speaking they're people who grew up under the silent generation

hard to expect people to be nurturing when they've never been nurtured themselves

I understand and accept them but I will still take a moment to feel bad every time.

a lot of this shit is stuff that helped them survive but are maladaptive now but it feels bad

i find this when i run into older relatives who are just insane in their own ways where it's like, i truly feel bad for you and also, this is really unpleasant for me

anyway all that is to say, it's totally ok to feel bad about it

I mean my dad has said as much but. If he is aware that it's not ok and has been fir years he could ... work on it? instead it's just a blanket excuse like 'you know my parents never hugged or kissed us' and he feels like he should be knighted bc that's sth he does at least?

oh yeah my parents were both homeless at one point so that's always the metric of "you don't even have it bad" I'm held to

I know with my parents a big part of the problem is that not asking for help is one of their big maladaptive behaviors. Which isn't exactly an excuse, but it can become a real issue when they can't get help to address these deep seated problems because one of the problems specifically is that you can't ask for help

The degree to which my mother will never, ever get assessed for ADHD even though she struggles constantly with symptoms that sure look like ADHD because that would mean admitting she's struggling is mindblowing.

So instead she has to come up with stories for herself about how actually it's the people who get help are wrong.

Which is just all honestly to say there's a reason every modern Disney villain seems to actually be three generations of inherited trauma in a trench coat.

imagine wanting your life to be a little better than the worst case scenario

there is also a massive amount of denial going on in my family's older generations, honestly. "well this is how I had to live and I'M FINE" hmm actually you're not. and if you admitted any of that, which is difficult and upsetting, maybe you'd be able to correct those behaviors and attitudes so as to not pass the trauma on.

and for a younger non parent example of how people go well this is how it was for me so even if I admit it sucked you should have to deal with it too because I came out STRONGER denial? look at how mad even other millennials can be about loan forgiveness. just because you suffered doesn't mean everyone should. it was not okay when it happened to you either.

I think some of it's an identity issue? Like people don't want to admit to having been the victim of something or someone, so they make it Just The Way It Is. Then they don't have to deal with the way that makes them view themselves.

None of which makes any of it easier. It's just one of those things where two things are true at once. They're doing their best, and also their best isn't actually all that good.

yeah there's a lot of protecting oneself that's actually extremely harmful but people aren't willing to tear away all the protective layers to treat the wound. because that's hard and scary.

like you're still bleeding under there you know. slapping more on top doesn't fix the actual problem. and you'd both feel better and be a better person (parent, friend, partner, etc) if you got some stitches but that'll hurt more initially and so people... don't.

and the majority of people in older generations at least don't struggle to the point they can't function/there are such severe consequences that they HAVE TO address this stuff? because they'll kind of just accept everyone else behaving that way too. younger generations are calling these things out more and it creates friction there.

like how my mother didn't get help until she was 40 and was at complete rock bottom, then only dealt with it enough to function bc of that identity-denial complex. but I hit that point of "okay I can't be this way" at like 25, and didn't stop working because hey what if more better, so I've surpassed her in recognizing these issues now.

there seems to be this attitude of "if I can limp along that's victory this is how it is" and no, actually, you can improve that further... and unfortunately sometimes that translates to a lack of compassion for others struggling bc WELL I'M DRAGGING MYSELF ON MY HANDS!!

it makes sense. and there's only so much you can do besides understand the defenses. but it makes me sad. /stops rambling.

either way it doesn't make it not hurt and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, Jessie. we love you.

oh uh update I think I officially am having a Breathing Problem

oh shit

air is still happeningso that's fine, but it hurts to get a full breath?

I've already gone to the ER once before and they were like "gives u a CT scan?" and that's not helpful in a way that corresponds to the amount I have to pay for an ER visit

I'm mostly just like. cool cool cool giving a lecture about shakespeare tomorrow is going to be an exciting adventure

jessieeeeee D:

cuddlebug: you will be able to assess me properly on Wednesday and can tell me if I'm overstating this experience

/digs out stethoscope...

Omg Jessie. I hope it'll be better soon

slides into my oncologist's DMs so I can get a phone call if this does turn out to be an emergency

otherwise, I guess I'm going to take the "what if I lie down and try to sleep through this" method

Is there like a nurseline you can call or something like that?

oh if I call they'll just tell me to show up at the ER for respiratory distress

but the last time I did that it turned out to be an enormous waste of time

I'll check in with plurk in the morning to confirm I made it through the night, don't worry

I probably just need an inhaler or something

Please do let us know :<

Yes please let us know.

not dead yet! woke up every couple of hours until I had the idea to prop myself up so I wasn't laying down flat and then sleep was fine.

debating canceling my class but there's a presentation that I want to let them finish so I'm wondering if I can hold off until the afternoon

the weird stasis of "probably needs medical intervention but maybe am fine right now?"

do what you gotta do to take care of yourself, friend

i am concerned but the level of concern is dependent on the type of pain so ?!?!?! like it improving being at an angle is actually alarming, but i also don't know the positioning and weight of Lung Thing obvs and neither would urgent care/ER docs/this would take awhile for them to be able to wrangle so you really need your team's input.... /flaps arms

I just got a call to schedule me with a lung dude tomorrow (which is. at the same time as a different appointment hahaha guess I'll need to reschedule that). and if they're not being like "excuse u get here right now???" I guess it's fine??? relatively?? who knows

fingers crossed!

but I saw a heart guy like two weeks ago over weird positional cough stuff and they ruled out a pulmonary embolism so it's definitely not that

just like. regular cancer stuff I guess

if they've ruled out embolism and edema this recently then yeah a lung dude tomorrow is a much better bet than trying to get intervention from random otherwise but. i have my fussing finger ready to wag at you, jessie.

awwww~ I was in the shower the first time my oncologist called so they immediately called my mom to ask her to come check on me and make sure I didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night

I have the best medical fam ;-;

that is good, i appreciate them. ;o;

and now mom is like "DO YOU WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU" and I'm kind of like lol what for

lolol ok lung doctor was fully a waste of time

he looked at my scans and unironically went "so why are you here" and I immediately wanted to punch him

prescribed Flonase and medical-grade robitussin (which cvs texted me to tell me that they have no intention to fill and my level of is so high right now)

They're all "oh its too soon to fill this" and I'm like "is it. because I've bought Claritin within recent memory and they're both classified as narcotics to you for some reason"

What. The Shit.

I'm not hoarding prescription medication to make a meth lab in my basement

I'm too angry of a human to deal with useless people

I've worked hard to develop tolerance but when I'm telling you "it hurts to talk" and you're like "use this nose spray" I cannot help but feel like you tuned me out

can you relay this back to your usual team in some way to get help?

Is it prescription robitussin with codeine..?

Cuz otherwise wtf do I need to call and get angry for you?

it's the codeine tussin yeah

shadedwhite: I go for chemo on Friday and I will be full of sass

They probably have to clear you for a higher dose of opiates then.

Annoyingggggggg.

I would like to talk to the why are you here today lung doctor. :|

I will however punch the lung doctor for you.

Saro can talk to him after I punch and get thrown out of the office.

cuddlebug: yeah but also: that's stupid

I have an account with the specialty pharmacy already

I agree it's stupid. Everything about authorizing controlled substances is a pain in the ass.

yes good. sass engage

dentist 2nd opinion trip was vastly superior! dude listened to me and took me seriously

a dentist who listens is so important

yeah, and that is the good news. bad news is that we can add osteonecrosis to the list of bad things (don't Google that it just means that some of my jawbone is dead tissue and doesn’t have gum tissue to cover it but it's not that bad yet don't google it Google is a horror movie)

more reason to smile politely when well-intentioned folks are like "I want to support you so I bought you this $2.50 box of entenmanns I saw on sale"

yeah like one of my mother's friends is VERY SWEET but basically stopped developing at the age of 14

SHE MEANS WELL but does not understand difficult concepts

and regularly complains that she thinks I'm judging her. probably because I'm regularly judging her but I DON'T SAY IT

some people are happy in their ignorance and I do not fault them for it but sometimes I want to have conversations at the grownups' table

LOL I was so salty in my letter to my oncologist that I went over the character limit

"why are you here" "because I have fucking CANCER and we were scared of it SPREADING you ABSOLUTE NUMBNUTS"

god why are people so. like this.

i mean it's not even "scared of it spreading" there is very clearly a lung mass that's significantly increased in size.

so i'm baffled that this guy looked at the imaging and then asked that question

ok so I've been to see a different lung doctor and had a much better experience! he listened to me and told me why he was prescribing the stuff he perscribed

that sounds good.

in general I've been doing better than I was, but so many things have changed I'm not sure if it's because of the new chemo (seriously the old meds put me in a really bad place omg my poor kidneys) or because I've been on break and not commuting / trying to talk for 4 hours at a time

new lung guy thinks that there might be an issue with postnasal drip that's making it hard for me to breathe lying down, so he's prescribed a bunch of expectorants trying to clear out any upper respiratory gunk

which like! is lowkey similar to what the last lung guy did but I feel better about hearing it from this guy

he also asked me to call him next week because he wants to know how I'm doing and I'm like "holy shit people care?" I went "oh like an email" and he's like "no I'm an old man who likes to talk on the phone to patients"

getting here was kind of a hike but it was a hike I'm not mad about

Ok i like him

I’m glad you found a better guy

Yes I already prefer this lung guy GOOD

oh I like this guy so much better.

a doctor who explains shit and wants to follow up with his patients!!!

thank goodness hes doing better with you! last one sounded like a nightmare.

yes good