I don't want to wake up like this every fucking day for the rest of my life

Rolling over and having reality hit me like a train

And just crying for the first 30 min of consciousness everyday

I'm in the middle of purchasing our first home and I want Pana to see the changes we make to it

it hurts so bad and I can’t even imagine how much worse it hurts for you, I wish I could do anything at all

it just finally really hit me at midnight last night

I'm so grateful to my program director for giving me the week off. I've just been leaky since Saturday

It's so hard

but you are not alone

My poor boyfriend. I've been useless since Saturday

When's it gonna stop feeling like glass shards are poking outta my heart

I don't know

it's so hard

but it's proof

I think one day it will start feeling like something else

like scaffolding

it's for building something new

I think I'm gonna hang up my art from her as the first things I do in our new house

And this

She bought it for me because I most identify with the Moon tarot

And my aesthetic is def rose gold so. Rose quartz.

I always have it near my art desk

I have never in my life sat Shiva or understood it despite culturally being Jewish

And weirdly I suddenly understand the desire to just sit around for 7 days and exchange stories with people who knew pana

that's not weird

I never understood either really, every other death I've experienced was anticipated, so it never seemed to feel comforting

but it does now

I keep coming back to plurk furiously refreshing to hoard even these small pieces of Pana.

I can't wait to have that server

I know we are purchasing a house RN but I just. Want to use time and money to visit people now.

same, same.

I keep looking back at all of it over the past week or however long

she was just here

She was. I can't believe it

I think I spent two days going... if I keep reading this plurk it will end differently. She was just here, why can't we get a reset, it's not that far back.

Sean and I keep talking about rearranging reality. Like it shouldn't be this hard right

that’s how I keep feeling too, like there’s no way this is right

like she could just show up going oh oops you'll never believe this but they made a mistake with reality

and we could all believe that because gestures to the last 5ish years being increasingly unrealistic

Are you fucking kidding me? I just shattered my phone

oh no

fuck casetify and their shitty fucking cases

this is LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME I'ever had this case and have ever dropped my phone in this case

I give up on life today

I haven't been talking about because it somehow feels like it's not my place. But know that I'm here, we're all here for you.

PsiYamaneko: how is it not your place??? you knew her even longer than me

did you know in my brain in those early days you two were like.. a package

when I thought of her I thought of you and vice versa

I really don't know. I never met her in person. But yeah I knew her a super long time.

I found a link to the Siren's Pull wiki yesterday and it brought a lot back. She really loved that game

she really did

also Psi you were our resident cryptid

before that term really took off on the internet

I am saying all of this extremely fondly

I can tell you are saying it fondly and am genuinely honored to have been the resident cryptid

holy shit

I found one of the first mixes she ever made that I saved

for Mononoke

I saved it to my computer

I listened to it everyday on my way to class my first semester of college

Fall 2008

oh my gosh mononoke

she made such good playlists!!!

she really did. I have a couple others in the old harddrive

She introduced me to Mononoke.