Hrmmmmmmmmmn.

I think. Phil is ending things. I had a feeling he would with me being back home and him not wanting to leave China

But I guess, I was hoping for something... definitive

We spoke on his birthday, I didn't do much more than send wishes because he said he was about to go out

And then radio silence, for nearly a month

That's weird right

for a 4 year relationship??

This morning (his evening) he called over discord because the apartment's net died and everything is in my name

So I sorta have to handle things but it's very difficult. I have to vpn INTO China which like. Consider that for a minute

And then be like YES OF COURSE I'M IN SHANGHAI....... ahem

So I got to sort that in the AM, fried my brain doing so. Haven't thought in Mandarin in like. Months now so it was jarring but fine after being on hold twice in a row

Anyway

His responses just feel distant, terse. He said "thank you" and look, I know I really read into things but that's all just bad signs to me

Part of me just wants to shake him to be upfront. But I know he won't unless, well. LET'S NOT. We will think nice things

I reached out a little but waiting for a reaction isn't doing me any good

My old coworkers and his current coworkers did not like me. And Phil's so easily persuaded by others. So I'm just kinda like. IDK can we just rip off the bandaid if that's what this is so I can grieve and get over it

Instead of this anxious loop-de-loop

I'm tempted to just do the grief, shake it off, move on with or without him talking to me

It's so difficult for me to care about someone and it takes so long, years long but as soon as I feel like a ship is sinking I cut ties as soon as I can find a knife for the rope

I mentioned it to Alex when she visited, Scott was present, Munchkin was present. Alex got to meet Phil even though Munchkin and Scott didn't. She really liked him, was really happy for me. Alex is such a good

And then I mentioned the lack of contact and she started waving red flags, I mentioned some other things.. more red flags and those I didn't even see.

So I think. I'll just be letting him go. The anxiety of what ifs are not healthy and I'd rather go back to 0 affection for him than risk getting hurt because I cared and he already wrote me off without telling me

Just putting down that nice brick work. Climb it if you want back in pffft

Hmn, yes. We might be a bit defensive. Alas. If he does ever bring it up, I guess it'll be an easier conversation from my end

Yep. Good talk REEEEEEE

That fucking sucks, but it does sound like walking away on your own terms is the best choice.

Thanks .-. it's a shit situation. I just hope I'm not blamed for putting my defenses up. Some of it feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy

I think you need to do whatever's best for you

But he's had 4 years to figure out how to talk to you as a partner, and this ain't it

I'm sorry it's awkward and difficult. it sucks

I mean, to be fair. I guess I could bring up the topic but that might feeeeeel like I'm attacking him or something. I'm not sure it's appropriate to ask

And honestly, I'm scared he'll just say yep, bye

Like. I want the closure. But I don't want to hear it haha

And I'm worried if I poke it'll just egg him on to say bye. WHICH I know, doesn't make much sense

Yeah all this is legit

The brain weasels do be weaseling, but also that is kind of weird for a four year relationship

And if he wanted to keep going with it I feel like he should be more... Present I guess? Long distance is hard but you were able to fix his 'net from this side of things, he could have said a bit more than 'thanks'

I had a feeling he was gonna be crap at long distance. He is someone who can sleep for 14 hours a day and completely miss planned activities in doing so. He just needs sleep more than most. But it makes 12 hour timezone difference even worse

But like, even delayed in conversation would be better than silence. And he certainly got ahold of me just fine when he needed me for the net so urgh

The thank you doesn't bother me. It's the finality of "Thank you. Good night"

Like stop talking to me, I want to sleep aaah

Wait no, time's weird it's the other way

It's later for me when he said that, his response had a delay

Idk, it feels like shush go away AND I DON'T KNOW if he meant it in that way but why not be idk sweeter about it.....

Here I am like Have a good day~ And hope the kids are being good to you and say hi to x for me

Andddddddddddddddddddddddddddd I'll shush before I get worked up

/patpats you

ty